Hope

These past 3 weeks have been particularly emotional. There have been so many set backs and victories, lessons and failures, and tears and smiles.

Mulan continues to grow everyday. The lessons are what breaks my heart. Having to teach a child not to give a boy what has hit you a second chance leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

But watching her shop for Christmas..... what an amazing experience. For the first time in her life, she is safe enough, secure enough, and confident enough, to have something to GIVE.  She is filled with a spirit of giving and is more excited about giving this season that getting.

While these victories sustain me, sometimes it is only barely enough. Sometimes I long for normal. I long for a child that hasn't experience trauma, who loves me in an uncomplicated way.

And I selfishly wonder, "Why me?"




There are a thousand cliches that tell us that what we are going through will produce great rewards.

"No Pain No Gain"
"Forged Through Fire"
"Baptized in Flames"
"A Problem is a Chance To Do Your Best"


Barf right?


Sometimes you just want the easy thing. The pregnancy, the delivery, the uncomplicated, unhesitant joy of extended family members.



Then God speaks. And I know that it is time to end my pity party and move forward.

Did you know that Kid President was a foster kid?

(copy and paste)

https://www.guideposts.org/comfort-hope/kid-presidents-path-to-awesome 

3 months

This morning Snow White's TPR trial was a mere 5 weeks away.

This afternoon it is 13 weeks away.

I hate everything.

#itsnevertoolate

Everyone call me "Mommy" because on Wednesday, October 7th I officially became a Mama, and Mulan, after 5,330 days in foster care, became a member of a family.

She didn't think it would happen.


The testing doubt, and fear that Mulan went through (and put us through) the weeks leading up to the adoption were almost overwhelming.

She spent the 13 days leading up to the adoption not celebrating, but certain that it wouldn't happen, and that I would leave her.


You see, I had always be certain that my husband would have the most to overcome when it came to gaining our kids' trust. It is, after all, almost always the father figure who perpetuates the abuse. Mulan is no different. Her abuse came primarily from men. But it was the women in her life who abandoned her.

Her biological mother sold her. Repeatedly.

Her would be adoptive mother kicked her out of the house and she lived in the woods for days.

So it was me that she was the most afraid of (if you have never been the object of your child's nightmares you might not understand what that means to me).

It got so bad that Mulan asked to sleep on our floor the night before we adopted her.


But Wednesday did come, and the judge, who has known Mulan for over a decade, had us raise our right hands and promise to love, protect, and afford Mulan all of the rights and responsibilities of a child that belongs to us.

She is ours, and after 5,330..... she is home.

Testing Me or Just Being a Kid

How I Met Your Mother, had an episode several years ago that featured a made up gamed called "Drink or a Kid. Simple premise, the characters told stories of horrendously stupid things that had done, and everyone else had to decide whether or not they did this while drunk, or when they were a kid.

Most escapades were typical: driving the wrong way down an one way street, roller skating off the roof, drying off fire crackers in the microwave.


AS a foster parent it is often difficult to tell whether or not a child's bad decision is them deliberatly testing you, a result of their condition as a foster kid, or them being stupid (unwise is the nice word but I am not in a good mood).

Snow White has had a rough week behavior wise. SHe is pitching fits, screaming, and not getting her work done in school.

A byproduct of this week being grandparent visit week? Or because she is six and being a bit bratty?


Mulan, despite countless conversations, having a boyfriend at the time, professing to want to have a career, has unprotected sex several weeks ago.

Leaving the pregnancy test where I can find it to see if we will stick by her? Or being too dumb to know to use protection and to NOT HAVE SEX WITH LOSER GUYS?

I am just so scared. Here I am, unable to protect Snow White from the system. I have to watch as a judge decides whether or not he will let her future be ruined by her biological family.

And on the other hand, I am watching Mulan make self destructive decisions and I can't protect her from herself.

I prayed today. I said "God I have only had her for 3 months. It isn't enough time. Don't let her life be ruined when I haven't had a chance to change its course."

I don't know what else to pray for.

I read over this and it is so negative, so filled with my pain and hurts and worries.

And yet had I foreseen this day, I wouldn't change any decision we made. I would still foster. I would still choose to take all of this on.

Because they need us so badly. If we weren't here, who knows where Mulan would have ended up. Who knows how many homes Snow White would have been in. And who knows? Maybe we all will pass the test.

I Was Going to Tell You

I was going to tell you about being an overwhelmed and busy foster parent.

I was going to tell you all about the angst of looking at a reading score and thinking first "THis will show the court that she belongs here" instead of "Snow White is doing such an awesome job!"

I was going to tell you about changing my time budget, and budgeting time to enjoy my kids, instead of just worrying about them.

But I think you would rather hear about the convo I had with Mulan on Sunday. NOw to be clear, Mulan has had a sh*t life. It has given her nothing but pain, and the expectation of pain. And yet she is not selfish. She is not only self aware.

We were talking about what the beginning of 2016 might be like. She will be officially adopted, and if things go the right way, we will be in the process of adopting Snow White. I was telling her that I was going to be ready for a break; ready for a time for our family to just... be still and enjoy eachother. "I want to take a year off", I told her.

She snorted in exasperation as only 18-year-olds can do, and tells me that a year is way too much time. 6 months is reasonable, but a year is self indulgent.

WE talked about adopting other kids, about fostering and the upheaval in our lives, and she told me that as long as she was the oldest, to foster and adopt as many as possible.

I can't tell you what it feels like to have her permission. To know that this precious child who could be completely turned inward and wanting everything focused on her, is the one encouraging ME to go and do my work.

God chose well when He sent her to me.

Welcome to Parenting

I hate it when people respond to my stories with a "welcome to parenting". Like the challenges I face are "typical" or that "every parent goes through this".

I get it in almost every situation. My husband and I are considering buying a house and are trying to think through our storage issues.

"Well every parent worries about storage."

Really? Every parents worries about having 3-5 days of clothes for kids from 5-10 years old?

"The amount of homework kids have is a daily struggle for all families."

Really? Every family has to worry about how to get homework done with a therapy session and up to 3 parent visits per week? Every family?

"All moms dread school projects."

How many moms are helping put together their child's "All About Me" poster and are coaching them about how to answer the inevitable questions they will get asked because your child wants to put all of their foster siblings (past and present) on their poster? How many dread beginning these "family projects" because you don't know if they will choose pictures of their biological family or you?

Hmm? How many?


"Lots of teenagers deal with depression."

I get that. I really do. But that is not the correct response to my situation. My situation is that my teenager is going through some immense stuff because she is just now allowing herself to remember all of the times her mother sold her for drug money. Yep. Sold her.
Lots of regular teens deal with that?

"You look tired. Welcome to parenting!"

I am tired. I am tired of hearing rape stories. I am tired of not being the Mommy that my kids cry for. I am tired of not being in control of my kids' futures. I am tired of going to court. I am tired of wondering if they are going to be snatched away from me.
And Yeah, I am also tired of homework, cooking, tired of cleaning tired of not having a moment to myself, tired of coming home from work and nothing being accomplished. Tired of being the first to wake up in the morning and having the responsibility of waking everyone else up .


"Most marriages go through a transition after the kid comes along."

Many marriages also fail when there is a tragedy involving their children. Most marriages don't have to carry the constant fear of the family being torn apart. Most marriages can plan for the future. Most marriages don't have to undergo constant scrutiny from the state department.


Many parents are dealing with similar and even worse stresses. There are parents who have lost children,  who are going through a divorce, who have a terminally ill child. But no one tells them "welcome to parenting."


Yes I am a parent now. Yes I am experiencing all of the stresses that most Moms do. The lack of time alone, the constant burden of taking care of others, the messy house, the mountain of laundry, the "whats for dinner" questions. I get all of that.


I wish that was all I got.

encouragement

You think that you are failing as a parent and then you see you child post this....





I need new people to talk to...and by people I mean people who won't hit on me and won't try anything. I just want a friend and if that is too much to ask well then delete me because I have learned ALOT these last couple weeks and I don't need attention by wanting a sex. The way I can get the attention and healthy attention is by being a friend and have respect for myself and other people.


Mulan is getting it. She is getting that she is precious and worthy. Please God let this keep up.





Then after I write this she posts this:


I have a great mommy and daddy and little sister they make my day everyday and I know that they love me even tho I make mistakes and so does God 

How to Handle It When Your Child Tells Your Their Rape Story

For traditional parents, I imagine that the idea of their child being raped is a horrific nightmare, a possible reality that they do everything they can to prevent.

By the time our kids get to us, it is too late to prevent them from having been hurt, and the likelihood that they have been raped or molested isn't a possibility: it is a probability. As a foster parent, you will almost certainly have a child want to tell you about past abuse, physical or sexual, and there is a correct way to react.


1. Remain Calm- You are going to want to cry. You are going to want to vomit. You are going to want to get up in the middle of their story and go put the sonofabitch in a grave. And if they are already in a grave you are going to want to go spit on it.   You can't do any of that. I can't stress enough how important it is to remain calm. Hold your anger and anguish as a fireball in your gut and keep you face calm.

Several reasons for this: a lot of foster kids take on adult responsibility for themselves. If they think that their story is too much for you to handle, they won't tell you in order to protect you. Also, if you express anger even though you are directing all of that anger at their abuser, they will take it as directed at THEM. You have to think, they were always told to never tell, that no one would believe them, that it was their fault. They are so afraid that you will be mad at THEM. If they see your anger, it could scare them from sharing again.

2. Don't Ask Queastions, Just Listen:-Often you will be fostering a child and there will be an ongoing abuse investigation taking place. All you can do is listen and report what they say to DCF. If you ask questions or talk too much, you might guide a child (especially a younger child) into saying something they don't mean, or into giving you the answer they think you want to hear. Even innocent questions might lead them to say something that could hamper an investigation. Listen. Report. That is all you can do.

3. Tell Them It's Not Their Fault- No one has probably ever told them that what happened wasn't their fault. Abusers blame their victims. They tell their victims that they were bad, that this is how it is supposed to be, that the victim WANTED it to happen. Often family members will call them liars, or tell them to keep it a secret and then feel like they ALLOWED the abuse to continue. Tell them over and over "it's not your fault."

4. Stay Calm- Can't oversell this. Don't tell them that you are angry. Tell them you are sorry. Tell them that what happened to them was wrong, that it never should have happened, that they are safe in your home. Your child will need your comfort and love, not your anger.

5. Thank Them for Telling You- It takes an extraordinary amount of trust for a child to share what is often their darkest secret with you. Sometimes you are the first they have ever told. Often you will be the first "family" to believe them. It is so hard to hear, but you should accept it they way you would accept a gift. You are holding their highest level of trust in your hands. It is precious. Treat it as such.

6. Stay Calm- Last time I promise. I say this so many times because every instinct you have will to be anything but calm. Your instinct will be to protect and to gain justice. Often you can only protect going forward.

7. When They Tell You How They Deal With It, Don't Judge-  I have had a child tell me that they touch themselves at night because they are afraid "_____" will touch them there again. That child asked me if that was bad. My only question was if the child touched themselves in a way that hurt. Once they said no, I told them no. It is their body and they are allowed to touch anywhere they want. They need that.
Older children may act differently. They might cut themselves, be promiscuous, or engage in a variety of actions that we don't want them to. HELP is different than JUDGEMENT. Of course you will prevent them from cutting, of course you don't want them having random sex. But telling them they're bad, that what they are doing is horrible, only reinforces that feeling of guilt. Instead tell them how worthy they are, tell them their body is too precious to hurt. Tell them that you are going to walk the walk to recovery with them. HELP and REDIRECTION are different than JUDGEMENT.


If any of you have experience this, and have any other tips or strategies, please share. We all need all of the help we can get.

In the words of my Husband

My husband decided to write out what it is like, from a  father's perspective, to hear horrible stories of abuse from our kids. It is pretty powerful. 

It started with a nightmare. She was alone with her grandpa... he did things to her...

Have you ever had that moment when you daughter tells you she was raped as a child and it tears your heart out, even though you were expecting it? No? I have. And it was every bit as awful as you can imagine. What were once just sleep terrors, bad enough to make her wet the bed, are now an insight into her world as a child. They aren't dreams, their memories, so powerful that she doesn't know where she is when she wakes up. So powerful that when I look at her, sometimes I forget where and who I am and I wish to cease being a Christian and long to be a vigilante. I want justice for my girl. I want to hurt those who hurt her, but more than that, I want peace for her life and healing for her heart. So, when my warrior’s heart beats fast with anger at her circumstance, I grab ahold of it and lead it in a new direction. Instead of throwing fist, I give hugs. Instead of words of anger, directed at the men who stole her childhood and tried to steal her life, I speak soothing words of love, and acceptance to a hurt child buried deep inside her heart. Instead of boiling rage, I plead with God to give me overflowing love, which he delivers and I pour out into her.

Today I learned what it really means to be a warrior, a man worth calling a man. Every day I battle instinct, and fight the taint of the world and the wicked men who live in it. I fight to find love and healing in the most unloving and broken time in a child's life. I fight for myself, I fight because God called me to fight, I fight for my girls so that through all the crap, the hurt, the pain, the crushing blow that rape delivers to a child's self-esteem, they will have a chance at life. And if fight is all I do in my life, I am ok with that.

And though it all started with a nightmare, alone with her grandpa while he did things to her... I stand with her now, and God stands with us both.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day ...” - Psalms 91:1-16

Where from here?

I put a blow up mattress in our room and she slept in our room while husband slept on the couch. I woke her up from no fewer than 4 nightmares.

Everything that has happened has amplified her fear that we won't keep her.

Last week we filed papers for an adult adoption. They can't be processed soon enough.

THis morning I am tired and heartsick. How do we proceed? Are we supposed to act different? Is our life supposed to change?

What do we do?

The Drop

more time in court

Our Court date spawned a number of other court dates. 

Nov. 6 is the pre-trial for TPR

December 7th is the actual TPR trial. 

But first we have to get through the grandparents official petition to override the case plan and adopt the kids outright. That date is Oct. 5th. I think if we get through this it will be ok... TPR seems like a slam dunk and the parents haven't done anything but live on the street and fail drug tests. 

LIttle Snow White is worse than she has ever been. She keeps asking where she belongs, saying that she isn't where she is supposed to be... but doesn't know where to go. 

It has finally hit her that there is no winning in this for her. She will either lost the family she has had from birth, or us (and she loves us). 

There has been a lot of screaming, a lot of blame, and a lot of "you're not my parents" etc. 

I have no idea what to do and Snow White's therapist almost cried at the end of the therapy appointment yesterday. 

And still we stumble onward. 

Back to the Future

My husband often brings conversations back to the future. He discusses long term goals, the way we should like of lives, future aspirations for all of the kids we will have, the house we will one day buy etc.

I wish I could look to the future with him. But I am stuck. Stuck waiting until TPR is over. Then I will be stuck waiting for adoption.


Then.........

Then the ships falls off of the edge of the Earth. And everything will change.

Supposed to Be

New babies are supposed to:
1. pee everywhere
2. puke
3. get diaper rashes
4 poop
5. wake up in the middle of the night
6. poop
7. make weird noises
8. scream to be held
9 and poop.

I am the brand new parent of a teenager, and at times, look at this list with longing. Poop is easy: clean it. Diaper rashes: I believe there is a cream for that. Night time feedings are not as scary as night time convos with their boyfriend.

I have no idea what I am doing. At 28 I am dealing with my child's boyfriend (and his mother who is... well she may read this one day so I will stop here), sex talks, her being a brand new driver, finding a vehicle that she can eventually wreck, money talks, cellphones, sex talks, what doctor does a 17-year-old see, sex talks, having your own relationship with God, drive drunk and no car ever again talks, and more sex talks.

See how the first list seems way more fun?


Despite never knowing if I am making it better or worse(or even being listened to) Mulan continues to be a joy. She is an effortless part of our family, and I am proud of all of her accomplishments. I missed so much, but am so thankful that I have gotten to be here when she got her acceptance letter into college, her drivers license, and tell her that we found her a car.

Snow White is torn between venerating Mulan and resenting (RESENTING) having to share the family with her.


ASIDE:
Snow White is also starting to realize that things are coming to an end with her bio parents. TPR is scheduled for August 10th, and the grandparents are making one last Hail Mary. Snow White is suffering from increased nightmares that cause her to wake up screaming and an increase in attitude (that is awesome).



There are so few people's experiences that I can draw on for advice and support. Parenting is supposed to be a certain way, and we are doing it all backwards, sideways, and in the 20th dimension. Parenting as it is supposed to be is gone, and I am in uncharted territory. Without a float. But with plenty of sex talks.

Mulan has been here for 15 days is it is going really, really well.

I feel that we are coming to the end of the honeymoon phase, but she is responding so well to our positive attention and love that I don't think there will be many unusual issues.

I may refer to this sentence later when explaining my stupidity.

Her case makes me hate the department more than ever. Our precious girl could have been adopted years ago and began a normal life, but desopite being sent to her home 21 TIMES. she didn't escape her situation until she was 16. She has overcome more than I will ever know and I am filled with pride and sadness. Pride that she has come from a girl who was wasting her life and drowning her sorrows in drugs, to graduating with As, Bs and 1 C  and entry into college. I just hope we can continue to help her be the best version of herself. There is so much potential that she hasn't tapped into and I can't wait to see what she makes of the rest of her life.

Snow White's case is going to TPR!!!!!!!!!!

Advisory hearing is August 10th. This is just to notify the parents the circumstances, and then there will be two more hearings and then, God willing, Snow White will be free of them. They have continued, despite the extra months given to them, to use drugs, stalk Brother's caregivers, and refuse treatment from the department.

Bio mother had a major mental meltdown at a previous visit and now all visits are going through a visitation center. We will see how long that lasts.

Grandparents are still wanting to adopt, but the judge has denied them placement and told them that they were more than welcome to go through the adoption process through the department (the department already said that they would fail their process).

There are more court dates, counseling appointments, and logistical issues that ever, but all is good in our home for now. We have a summer of relative peace before the storm begins. PLease begin praying for Snow White. She does not know that TPR is coming, and it will be a blow.

Mulan

No she isn't Asian.

But she is strong, unconventional, and full of faults and potential.

She is 17.

She is going to be the newest member of our family!

Yes we are (sorta) adopting a 17-year-old. The sorta comes in to play because she will be 18 in August and Mulan doesn't really want to go through the process since it will essentially be a piece of paper.

What she does want it a forever family, and she chose us.

We met her while volunteering at a nearby group home for girls. All of the girls there are amazing, but most will end up back with their families...and Mulan just "fit". As usual, hubby recognized our relationship for what it was long before I did. I thought that she could never see us as parents as I am not yet 30. I thought that she would want to move into an apartment like the other 18-year-olds in foster care. I thought she would never want to take another chance to get hurt again.

But, as I often am,  I was wrong, and this precious girl wants a family just as much as a 10-year-old would. I am nervous about the challenges of parenting a teenager, and I am not extremely confident in dealing with issues like boyfriends, driving, and curfews. But I am comfortable in the knowledge that this is all in God's plan, and that this precious girl will end up making my life what it is supposed to be.

My first forever daughter. I still can't believe it.

Court

Not a lot to report. There was ANOTHER  continuance. Basically the agency had so many witnesses that we ran out of time, and since I was a witness, I was forced to sit in a waiting room for three hours just to never be called.

The GAL did call and said that everything went VERY well for us and little Snow White. The therapists painted us as saints and she and the caseworker recommended that she be adopted by us.

Snow White was subpoenaed, but not made to testify today. The therapist recommended that she not be allowed and I believe that will stand.

The Bios all left VERY angry and refused to speak with us. Also Big Brother was able to go home to his caregiver which was HUGE. I am thinking that the writing is on the wall. However, as I write this I hesitate...nothing is certain.

Otherwise we begin waiting.

Again.

Monday is coming

Tried to write about how I was scared of Mother's Day, but it ended up being great etc. but all I can focus on is the court date on Monday.

I don't know that it is worry...... but it is as if all of my focus and emotions are streaming toward this date and I NEED FOR THIS TO BE OVER. 

One good bit of news is that Snow White's therapist was officially subpoenaed and will be testifying on the agency's behalf. Am so grateful for this because more than all of the wonderful things I have said about Therapist, she is extremely clever and has been doing this for so long that I don't believe that Snow White could have a better advocate on the stand.


Though I did notice that 42 of you checked in on me on Mother's Day. Thank you. Seriously.

Don't save my child

So I had this actual experience over the weekend. I have spoken extensively about the need to not be too soft on foster children. Yes they have had it rough, yes you need to modify your discipline plan for some of them, and yes they are currently sad and scared.

That doesn't mean they get to misbehave.

That also doesn't mean that I need you to tell me to go easier on my kid.

That also doesn't mean that my kid needs you to save her.

She is fine.

She is receiving a consequence.

She will get along just fine without you.

She is manipulating you for attention. BACK OFF.

I would go on, but about a year ago I read this article that sums it up way better than I ever could.

http://www.confessionsofaparent.com/dont-save-my-child/

Survival of the Fittest

I have spoken with a lot of seasoned foster moms whose strength and "fitness" astound me. They talk with new foster parents a lot, and lament to me that most of the newbies won't make it.

"They're just not cut out for this" they say, shaking their heads sadly.

Some say it in a matter of fact way, others with a sense of superiority. And still others say it with judgement.

You will find no judgement here. As a foster parent you take a beating. It is kind of like the first fight between Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed. Rocky takes a long and consistent beating. Over and over again he is hit, gets in some good punches, and gets hit some more. In the end, he is bloody, bruised, and without the victory.

Not everyone can take that kind of beating.

I am wondering how many rounds I will last. Will I be fit enough to survive and carry on?

I am ready to adopt.

I am already tired of waiting. I want her to be here. Whoever she is.

My parenting guide

I noticed the other day that I behave with Snow White's therapist the way that parent's of infants behave with their pediatricians.

Every unusual burp, bump, croak or eye blink, new parents are on the  phone asking questions about autism, demanding tests and basically freaking out.

I am the same way. Except instead of burps, bumps, and eye blinks, it scary-ass statements that 6-year-olds shouldn't say like, "I hate myself", or constant lying over NOTHING, or stories of abuse that COULD be true but are just a touch too far fetched.

I call, I ask questions, and demand answers.

I am so blessed in Snow White's therapist, and I thank Heaven that we decided to keep her even though she is an hour away. She loves Snow White, and is constantly available for questions. She has the most soothing voice and calming demeanor, and I joke often that I need to schedule an hour with her.

What I like most is her no-nonsense parenting advice. In her view, it is all about structure, consistency, and understanding when something is a problem, and when something is manipulation. My husband and I are also big believers in structure and consistency. We believe that we you act a certain way there are always consequences, whether they be positive or negative. This doesn't change because you are in foster care. There can be understanding, but there can't be an absence of either consequence.

It is the last part that Snow White's therapist is so pivotal. Snow White is a MASTER manipulator, but she is also a victim of severe trauma. How do I know when she is expressing her feelings of her trauma, or trying to put off bedtime for another 30 minutes?

Seriously... she uses her trauma to stay up a couple of more minutes. She is good.

Thank goodness that I have her therapist. She calms my fears, explains behaviors (which are far too often, manipulations) and double checks my observations in her therapy session. I don't think I could do this without her.

This is what terror feels like

We could lose her on May 18th.
This is my reality.
This is my world.
This is my fear come to life.


Or, the judge could stop the grandparent's attempt to adopt in its tracks and the door could be blown open for us to  keep Snow White permanently.

This is my reality.
This is my world.
This is my  greatest, most secret desire hanging in the balance.


There are so many moving parts in this. Here is what the judge is trying to sift through.

#1. Brother was removed from his former foster home. There was an altercation in the house, and foster dad's dog bit the aggressor. Basically there was an overreaction on the department's and GAL's part and a very stringent safety plan was put in place that would keep the dogs penned up and away from Brother. This over the top safety plan was not followed and Brother was removed. Brother has spoken to the judge twice and begged to be placed back in that home. The judge, I believe, wants to grant his request, but needs more information.

#2. The judge needs to accept/decline the case plan of adoption

#3. Bio Dad has been arrested on several charges and the parents are homeless again.

#4. Maternal grandparents are petitioning  for immediate custody and the approval to adopt both children.

Understandably, the judge was having some difficulty following all of the issues, reasons, and accusations that were being thrown around during this Judical Review. Judical Reviews are not very formal, and people can speak with the permission of the judge, but there are no sworn statements or anything of that sort. The judge stated that these issues were too important to decide in 1/2 an hour and ordered an evidentiary hearing on May 18th to discuss and decide these matters.

I wanted a decision right then, even though I believe that this judge is striving for truth and justice, I wanted him to make all of these awful possibilities go away and send me home victorious.

Instead, I went home as countless of foster parents have countless other times: I went home answerless and  preparing to wait.

Tough parenting

I hear it all of the time.

"Do you think she does that because of her trauma?"

"Doesn't her past explain that behavior?"

" Poor thing. She doesn't know better."

The truth is that yes, she does act out due to her trauma. And yes, her past experiences, like watching her mother threaten to kill herself every time she got in a fight with HER parents, has had a effect on my child.

And yes, there are a lot of behaviors that she has never been told are WRONG.

None of this, however, means that I can let her get away with anything.

It has become alarmingly apparent that little miss Snow White is an expert manipulator, twister of truth, and white liar.

She lies about EVERYTHING!

Some things are a direct link to her past. I honestly believe that she was trained by the excuse for human beings who gave birth to her (who are homeless again) to never expect to get what she needs.

She has learned that the only way to get what she needs, like food or attention, is to manipulate, pitch a fit, or lie.

For example, she has the weird habit of telling me that her tummy hurts instead of telling me that she is hungry and would like breakfast. I honestly believe that when she was with the bios she would wait all day long for food if she didn't lie about a tummy ache and whine about it until they relented and gave her food.

Lies like this are extremely frequent.

However she is also 6 and smart enough to figure out how to "work the system" to get what she wants. Or to get out of trouble. Skills she also learned from her parents.

Despite all of this, despite her trauma, her experiences, and her life lessons so far, there is something worse. Are you ready to hear it?

Are you ready to read everything I say instead of calling me a "bitch" and going to another website?


The truth is, when it comes to parenting her and teaching her, her past doesn't matter.

 It doesn't matter that she is mad because she was abused, she can't punch hole in my wall.

It doesn't matter that she misses her mom a lot, she can't use it as an excuse to sneak out of bed.

It doesn't matter she hates foster care, she can't scream in anger at the top of her lungs while I am driving 70 mph on the interstate bridge.

Your foster child has to be taught all of the lessons that you would/do teach your own. Every child has an excuse/reason for their behavior, but that does not make that behavior ALLOWABLE.

So we give her consequences, talk about trust, tell her we love her no matter what, praise her when she shows improvement,  and give her more consequences when she backslides.

We tell her that it is ok to be mad. To hate foster care. To hate her abuser. To want to punch something.

But we have to teach her how to channel it, because if we don't do this she will end up being one of the stats. Like the stats that tell us that 70% of the prison population is made up of former foster kids (over 90% of people on death row).

The Green Pole

Every day I get to walk my little munchkin to school. We arrive at the front of the building where other parents are waiting in the car line to drop their kids off. All along this walkway, leading to the front door, are different color poles marking where parents can stop their car.  Usually we stop at the end of the walkway, at the orange poll which is the furthest from the front door.

However, Thursdays, which are visit days, are different.

On Thursdays we walk to the green pole, the closest to the front door. It isn't that I can't let her go, it's that she asks me. Perhaps this is the only way that she can tell me that she will miss me. Maybe this is the only way that she can let me know that she wishes she was going home with me instead of getting picked up by a transport worker.

Maybe I am kidding myself.


I sure do love my extra long hug and kiss on the cheek by the green pole though.

It is the only thing I look forward to on visit day.

Adoption

Have I mentioned that we are adopting?

Ya... that's happening.

Husband has been wanting to adopt for forever. Well, not forever: since Royal Family Kids Camp. He fell in love with my two 10-year-old campers (I did too) and has been wanting to adopt a child around that age ever since.

The sad fact is, once a child reaches about 8-years-old in foster care, their chances of being adopted by a family drop dramatically. A lot of times, that 8-year-old will spend the next 10 years of their life in foster care and be kicked out the minute they turn 18.

We decided to" just go for it" about 6 weeks after Ariel left our home. He absence created such a hole in our lives, and the fact that we live our lives not knowing from one week to the next if our babies will be taken from us became to "real". The fact is, if I am going to survive foster care, I need an anchor. Something permanent in my life. I need a daughter that I know will be with me forever. That I will fight over clothes with, teach how to drive, will hold when her first love breaks her heart. I need all of that, and I need to KNOW that I will get it.

So we are adopting. Last week we had our home study done, and we expect to be licensed to adopt in about 3 weeks. Once the license is complete, we will start getting packets of information on children that meet our criteria (and whose criteria we meet). Once we get a packet that we like, we will meet her and (hopefully) start her transition into our home.

It's exciting. It's crazy. It's just another normal in the middle of our insane world.

I can't wait to meet her.

 I wonder what her "blog" name will be?

addendum: Just read our homestudy, along with our references and Snow White's interview.  It is so humbling to read what people wrote about us and their faith in our parenting. I don't know that we live up to the hype, but I know that I will try my hardest to be the woman described on that document for our new little girl.

It's the little things

Today I was walking Snow White to school and she was skipping next to me. She started singing "I love my Mommy, I love my Mommy". She paused, huffed, and said to me "Come on! You have to sing back "I love my daughter, I love my daughter". So that is how we walked to school. Her singing to the world, "I love my mommy" with me echoing back, "I love my daughter."

Tomorrow there will be a visit and someone else will be the mommy that she loves. But this morning as she skipped to school without a worry, she wanted to sing about loving me.

Foster care is a roller coaster. It is the moments like this that keep you sane and strong enough for tomorrow.

Court

Sometimes court changes everything.

Other times there is a continuance because the bio parent's car "broke down."


Now we wait until April 6th.

Mother of Many

  There was a time when I thought I would never have children.  Last March, we had just gone through a futile year of trying to become pregnant. Every month waiting…. The few days of hope, and then the crushing disappointment. 

I had given up. Mother’s Day was a few weeks away, and there was no hope I would ever celebrate that holiday. Then, one morning, the following words popped into my head: “A Mother of Many.”

Wonderful words.

 Now for some reason this thought, wish, premonition, word from the Holy Spirit (whatever you want to call it) was completely comforting to me. It has been something that I have held on to even when I was sure that foster care wasn't for me. 

 I am only 28, have been a foster mom for 8 months and have been a mom to two children.

 Now I am not very good at math, but if this average keeps up over the next 20 years or so I will have had more children than I could ever ask for.  

Mother of many, indeed.  

Last month, I got to sit behind a fellow “mother of many” at an event for Foster Families.  She was a talkative woman, and shared her life story, including her struggles getting pregnant with her first son, and almost losing her second. She told me of her heartache over the fact that she would never have a big family, and her worry that her two boys would never get to experience having sisters.

 However, life is good, and she proceeded to tell me the names of all of her children… I don’t remember them all, but I remember that there were 16 names. She is a mom in a group home, and from what I could tell they viewed her as their mother.

One of the reason I love these events is I get the opportunity to get to meet other parents who go through what we do. More than our shared experience of being foster mothers, I felt that this woman and I  shared a deeper understanding. The understanding that while we sacrificed biological children, we gained more than we could have imagined.

I have no idea if I will ever give birth to child, but now just one year after deciding to become a foster mom…. It doesn't matter. I have had... and will have… children aplenty.

I can’t wait to meet our next one!

Update

On Monday, March 16th, the TPR process will officially begin. The agency will ask the judge for permission to change the case plan to adoption. The judge will accept this request, and will set a date for a TPR trial.

There will be a pre-trial, the TPR trial, and then  the parents have 30 days to appeal. They will appeal.

All of this could take anywhere from three to six months.

All during this time, there will be a search going on for extended family who would be capable/willing to adopt Snow White and Brother. That search can take about six months since a lot of her family is out of state.

After the TPR trial, we are expecting Grandma to attempt to do a private adoption. This will get very sticky and take a while. However, this is beyond a long shot for her and I am confident that it will fail.


Last week we held a team meeting without the parents. Needless to say this was the most productive meeting that we have had to date. Both therapists were there and were able to give us an accounting of where both children are emotionally. Brother's therapist would like to see the children reunified. Honestly I see where she is coming from and I can see why she believes that this is the best thing for Brother. Snow White's therapist, on the other hand, feels that while reunification could work, reunification doesn't really need to happen, and if things went her way, Snow White would remain with us: brother or no brother.

We were asked by the GAL office if we would be willing to take in Brother as well. It was difficult to say no, but ultimately we don't believe that this is best for Snow White, and Brother would prevent us from fostering/adopting in the future.

We got the sense that while everyone would have wished we could have answered differently, they understand that Snow White is in a good home, and the focus should be on finding Brother a good home as well.

The end result is still that everything is uncertain. Snow White will probably be with us another year before anything is done. Hopefully the length of time will work in our favor, and even if they find random family members, the judge will recognize that she has a life with us, and we are the best place for her.

Horror Sentence

As a foster parent, you hear awful things from the mouths of children.

I'm not talking about curse words (though they do say those) or "I hate you."

I am talking about gut-wrenching accounts of abuse, neglect or the worst.... "funny" stories that they tell you that are actually horror stories. They just don't know it.


My most recent horror sentence?

"I'm afraid that my mom is going to be crazy on my visit cause of drugs."

Yo-Yo

My brain is simultaneously thinking about everything I could gain, and everything that I could lose.

The Day Everything Changed

I thought I would be happier the day I got to write this blog. I thought I would feel more a peace or more sure of the future.

A friend recently described feeling (in her similar situation) "vulnerable". That word works. As well as the image of fear battling a timid happiness.

Yesterday everything changed. Snow White's case plan will officially be changed to adoption at the next court hearing in March.

The story goes like this: Caseworker showed up and Bios house. There was a 3rd person with a felony charge living there and both parents were high as crap. Mom tested for about everything under the son and dad tried to pass off a ziplock baggie full of water as urine.

For Real.


Caseworker became very angry and confronted them... Bio Mother broke down and admitted that she had been using this entire time.

Unfortunately I think the only one who was surprised about that was the caseworker. He honestly believed that they could change.

A meeting was called yesterday and the result is that the caseworker will start to look for relatives who could possibly be the new family. Failing that they will look to us.

Our major roadblock is that currently the office and the GAL want to keep Snow White and her brother together.  Usually this would be the obvious choice. But Hubby and I are against this for many severe reasons.


This is not over. We will have TPR hearings, adoption meetings, therapist depositions etc. We have a long road to travel. BUT FINALLY. FINALLY!!! We are on the correct road. Praise be to God.

2 Chronicles 20:15

thus says the LORD to you, 'Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's.

They Are Never Going To Change

I read other Foster Blogs or talk to other Foster Parents, and they talk about loving the bio families, and their "mission" to put families back together.

I am beginning to feel guilty that it isn't like that for me (yet). With Ariel, we never met her mother, though I do hope and pray that she can turn away from abusive men and be the mother that her kids deserve. However, engaging her was never something that I felt moved to do.

Then there is Snow White's family. And I will be honest as you will judge me from your homes instead of in front of me. I WANT them to screw up. I am so convinced that they will never change, that I almost worry that they will get better. How crazy is that?

For example: right now it is about a doll. Two weeks ago, they promised Snow White this expensive doll that she wants. She has seen them 4 times since then and each time they promise her that she will get it on the "next visit."

This is what they do. They make these outlandish promises to make their kids happy with them and then never follow through.

Here is the awful part though. I hope they don't follow through. I hope tomorrow comes and she doesn't get that doll. #1 Because it will prove that I am right and they are incapable of change and #2 Hubby and I will go and get her the damn doll.

I can lace this situation up in all sorts of pretty ways. I can phrase my feeling like "All I want is for Snow White is for her to be in a safe home" or "Snow White needs to be a priority before she goes home" or "Mom and Dad have a lot to prove before they get my vote" or even "based on their history, I am more than skeptical."

But when it comes down to it I am rooting for a family to fall apart.

Why? Because I know inside that it is Snow White's only chance. Her only chance to live a happy life. Her only chance for success. The only way she will overcome her tragic beginning.

Doesn't change the fact that I am rooting for failure.

Friends of Drug Addicts

It may come as a surprise, but hard core, unrepentant drug addicts have questionable friends.

Snow White's parents are no different. As I explained in my last post, Snow White would get to her unsupervised visit by having Dina, her parents' BFF, meet us at a park and drive Snow White to them.

This lasted one night.

Upon meeting Dina it became clear that something was off. She either has serious mental health issues or has used drugs to the point where it has caused her brain to malfunction. Know this, I am not attempting to be insensitive or mean. Dina might be a lovely person who would do her absolute best for Snow White.... but some people have handicaps, and she is one of them. Watching her drive away with Snow White was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

Snow White came back safely (albeit tense), and  hours later Dina tried to kill herself and was forced into a mental health facility for observation for 3 days.

Read that sentence again.


It really happened.


HOURS after driving my baby around THE AGENCY APPROVED DRIVER tried to kill herself. Proving once again that we are the only ones who are putting Snow White's safety first.

Dina was thankfully pulled off of the case and will no longer transport. Bio mom and dad are furious and even petitioned for her to be reinstated as their driver in court. Our new judge (thanks again for him God) is no one's fool and emphatically denied their petition.

It seems that they are having trouble finding someone who is willing to drive Snow White once a week, who has a valid driver's license, and who has a clean record.

That might be the saddest thing. That they literally have no one in their lives who meets those most basic requirements.

Of course the real saddest thing is that if Snow White goes back with them she will have no one in her life who meets those basic requirements either.

Morons

I am convinced that 90% of caseworkers are morons.

Five days after Ariel went to her new home, I had to attend a meeting with all the parties involved in Snow White's case. It was 2 hours of bull crap with sprinkles of me getting screamed at by bio mom. Then the agency approved unsupervised visitation. Again.

The caseworker was really pushing to do something called a transition plan. Basically this plan lays out the timeline for removal from the foster home and into the bio home. The GAL had to constantly remind the caseworker that they were not willing to do that at this time and were only here to talk about unsupervised visitation (and they only did that because they felt like they were getting pressure from the judge). So we talked. And talked. And then Bio Mom talked. And then she talked some more.

The whole point of me and everyone else being there was so that we could all discuss concerns and figure out a way to address those concerns. I was able to discuss how I was concerned about her medical well being as well as her reluctance to discuss anything with her mother for fear of yelled at.

While these concerns never were addressed they did get me yelled at by the bio mom and bio grandma.


The end result was that Snow White would be meeting her parents every Monday at a park near our house. We would drop her off with a 3rd party transport (Dina) and Dina would drive her to her parents where they would spend a couple of hours together.

This meeting is partially responsible for my high blood pressure, cost me a day of work and $30 in gas, but as a result we got a plan that we all agreed upon.

It lasted 9 days.

It is survivable

I survived letting her go.  Not because I am tough, not because I found some inner well of strength, it is because she is with good people who will love her and protect her.

It is not like that most of the time, as I understand it. But in this I was blessed. Plus I am confident that I will see her again.

I have so much to tell all of you, and it will probably take several posts.... and I am sorry for taking so long to be able to write all of this down. But it has been hard.... and I tend to be over dramatic so I can't imagine what pitiful, high school literary journal quality, stuff I would have written!

I almost hate to admit this, but I am glad it is just us and Snow White. Her case gets crazier by the day and I don't remember what it feels like to be unafraid or unstressed (see I am still being pitiful).

Anyways I pinkie-promise to get this website updated over the next several days!

She will

She will be safe.

She will be loved.

She will be with her brother and sisters.

She will be happy :).



Despite the selfishness and incompetence of her caseworker, God was able to use her to put our Ariel in the best place for her.

The Final Goodbye. For Real.

Ariel is leaving tomorrow.

That's right. The past twenty hours have been insane.

We found out at 1 o'clock yesterday that she was being checked out of school to go meet her new foster parents along with her siblings. I had to call her while she was en route to explain what was happening so she wouldn't freak out when she got there.

While Ariel and Snow White were at the visits, I was able to get everything we needed for her move (rubbermaid boxes for all of her stuff and a photo album). Then at about 5 I get an email telling me that she has lice. Again.

She came with lice, and she leaves with lice. Usually I like symmetry in stories but this put me over the edge. So the night changed into a flurry of throwing bows into the trash, spraying a dangerous level of poison all over my house and slowly running everything through the washing machine. Let me tell you. trying to keep up with her emotional see-sawing while running a lice comb through her hair is not something I want to try again.


As for her move, she goes back and forth from being very happy to bawling about how much she is going to miss us. She adores her new foster mom, but I think is nervous about her new foster dad.

In all honesty, I think leaving my husband, the first true father she has ever known, will be the hardest for her. He has filled a need that she has had for so long, and I just pray that this new foster dad can do as good of a job as hubby has done. There is no doubt though, that she will miss him the most.


We are all writing her letters, and creating a "life-book" for her to take with her. Basically a photo album of her time here and all of the adventures, and  the people who came into her path. We are also having a brunch Saturday morning so my family can bring their letters and say goodbye.

I hope that turns out to be a good idea.


Personally I am numb with exhaustion. Last night ended very late, and this morning began very early (thanks again lice). I have a feeling the numbness will carry me through tomorrow, but Sunday is going to be a bad day.


Her leaving means my house will be cleaner, my car will smell better. There will be no trails of sand that lead to her shoe pile in her closet.

There will be no new permanent marker notations recording her height on my door frames, and grocery trips won't result in me needing a glass of wine.


But my house will be to quiet. Conversations will be too serious and my trees will be lonely for her climbing them. At night I will say one prayer instead of two, and only get a handful of good night hugs instead of 15.

There will be a void in my heart, and I don't know how much time I will need before I let another precious soul fill that space.

Wish I had something nice to say

Ariel's transition has been a disaster.


We never should have been told that she was moving in December

She is still with us, which is nice for me, but has created emotional problems for her.


Her caseworker is full of excuses and blame for others.


To sum up, here is an edited copy of the email that my husband sent out today. It is responding to her email that suggested that our expectations, and the new home was to blame.... but that she held no responsibility. The quoted sentences are her words in various email to us.

Leslie,

I believe you are misinterpreting the source of our frustration. As foster parents, we realize that transitioning a child from one placement to another is both tricky for the agency and emotionally difficult on the child. Her crying, questioning and anxious behavior is in no way a surprise to us and was expected once we learned her placement would be moved.

Unfortunately, however, we are not the ones that have to deal with the consequences of poor decisions; that burden falls on Ariel. While Ariel living with her siblings is probably the best thing for her in the long run,  “Most of the time we don’t get this much notice” and “Our agency is not licensing this home” are not acceptable excuses for putting any child, and especially one in Ariel’s position, through more uncertainty and emotional turmoil than necessary. Without concrete knowledge of when a transition will occur, suggesting that we “let her know now to get her prepared to transition from your home and into the home with her” is damaging advice. In addition, giving a time line that the transition has no exact date but “will definitely be toward the end of the month,” without being certain of that information, is thoughtless at best.

This is the source of our frustration and I suggest that, in the future, extra time be taken to ensure a smooth transition for the child. It would have been much better for Ariel had we not tried to rush her transition and instead allowed ample time for a smooth transition to occur. She certainly didn’t need to know she was moving “toward the end of the month” if we didn’t know for sure that was true. Ariel is too young to advocate for herself, so I will say this for her: She deserves a much better effort than what she's been given so far.

As for communication about the transition, we have already been in contact with the HER NEW HOME multiple times to determine an appropriate course of action. Since you cannot “give any information regarding the issues or set backs,” a quick phone call to HER NEW HOME revealed that they were having a problem with the fire inspector repeatedly failing the fire inspection. They believe the issue was not code related but that the inspector was being petty. The cost of fixing the issue in the way the inspector wanted was very high so they were trying to work out a compromise and get the problem corrected in a more economical way. In addition, the HER NEW HOME stated that they had hoped the transition would happen sooner and were surprised that the agency suggested we let Ariel know about the transition without a firm plan in place.

The issue with the fire inspection seems to have been cleared up, however, and the home, as I understand it, is now licensed. Please let placement know that we would like enough time to have Ariel meet her new foster parents, pick out a room, etc… before we do the official move. A week should be enough time. We will continue to work with the HER NEW HOME to transition Ariel in the best way possible.