the worst

The only thing worse than attending a meeting with Snow White's parents is waiting for your husband to call you and explain everything that happened......

Kids blame themselves

Both of my girls blame themselves for what happened to them.

Get ready for that.

The Caseworker Let Down------ and random geek references I have refrained from using until this point

Snow White's caseworker is making me wish I was the Hulk.

 And not in my normal geeky way of wishing I had the One Ring,  could wield the  Force, or attend Hogwarts.

I wish it because according to comic books, my strength and ferocity would match my anger, and then maybe I could intimidate someone enough to get something done.

For weeks I have been asking for an update on the case.

Are mom and dad still homeless?

Are they submitting to drug tests?

Are you planning on having a concurrent case goal after January 5th (the nine month mark)?



There have been no answers, no word, no communication until he notified us that THE PARENTS want answers about what they need to do to get unsupervised visits back (unless the answer is build a time machine and go back and undo that thing you done the answer should be to follow the yellow brick road to hell).

So since the parents want answers we ARE NOW going to schedule a monthly staffing to take a look at the case's progress etc. Hubby will be attending via phone, and I am a little nervous.

This caseworker is a wildcard. He has repeatedly said that he is over the parents and wants them out of his life..... which has made him (from my point of view) avoid this case like the plague.

Basically he is not working to see what is in the best interest of Snow White and is doing whatever he can to make sure the parents stay off of his back. We will see what he thinks will be the most advantageous to HIM when it comes time to make a final decision.


Oh and Ariel's caseworker? She wrote the longest email yet. She spent two long paragraphs buttering us up and telling us what amazing foster parents we were, and then ended with "Oh, I almost forgot. We had court today".

Spock could have done a better job of emotionally preparing me to hear that!

WHAT THE FREAKING HELL?

There was a court case regarding my little girl and I was never informed? Are you friggin' kidding me? Needless to say I wasn't especially nice.

Though I refrained from cursing.


In the email.


Which at the end of the day is what counts.

Goodbye to Ariel: Update

So the miracle we prayed for happened and Ariel was excited about the pending move. WE made sure to focus on the fact that she would be with her brother and sisters, and that seemed to be the correct focus.


She does get nervous and quiet when she focuses on the fact that she will have new parents and a new home. Her first questions was "is it forever"?

Once again these children's need for permanency is overwhelming.

This morning she was extremely clingy and hyper. I am wondering if she will crash, or if she will stay excited.


I have no idea what Snow White feels about the situation. When we told her she asked why she had to stay (heart tore at the use of "have to stay) and Ariel gets to leave. We explained that Ariel WAS NOT returning to her original home, but was going to another foster home. She was quiet for a long time, and then began distracting herself with a toy and went to bed.

She did ask if we would ever get another little girl to live with us. We said yes, eventually we will, though we will take some time. We have decided to not take a placement until Snow White's case is decided. That should be in April. (emphasis on SHOULD BE)

How it will work:

Hubby spoke with Kids in Crisis last night and they are an advocate for easing a child into a new home. Ariel will visit once or twice, spend the night, and will then move in. She will spend CHristmas with us, and then have another Christmas with her new family. I feel a lot better about this and I am excited that we get to see her new home and get a feel for her new foster parents.

Truth be told I am a little jealous. THey will get to have her for a while. They will earn her love and trust. They will be the ones who celebrate her birthday. They will be the ones to kiss the boo boos, who influence decision making, who will be the priority in her life.

Yes I am jealous.

Jesus is probably disappointed in me, but I honestly don't care.

Yes I am angry.


I am angry that I let myself get used to this routine and now it is going away. I am angry that I don't get to be her mommy forever.

I am angry that I won't be in her life at all.

I am pissed.

I am sad.

Goodbye to Ariel

Ariel is leaving. We found out at about 8:30 last night.



It is ultimately a good thing. She is moving to a home where she will be able to be with her 4 other siblings. The place she is going is called  Kids in Crisis Foster Neighborhood. This establishment takes in kids like Ariel, who are separated from family, or kids who are in emergency shelters (like her older siblings) and gives them a home when there are no traditional foster families available. There are several foster homes on a campus. There is a play ground, a community center, and it is a Christian organization. This is going to be a safe, nurturing place for her to be. She needs her siblings. My gut feeling is that she will eventually be reunified with her Mom and she needs to keep a close bond with her sisters and brother. This is her best placement option.

That was the logic. Here is my emotional side.

I am going to miss that little munchkin. She has turned my life upside down and has cost me hours of stress, but she has also made my life better.

Telling her is going to be hard. Her biggest fear has been that someone will come and take her away from us, and now I have to tell her that she IS going to be leaving.


Snow White is going to be devastated. Though honestly, I think she will recover and go back to enjoying being our "only".


I cried last night. I will cry again when we pack her Ariel stocking to go with her, I will be a little sad Christmas morning when she won't be there like I imagined.


This first time I watched The Little Mermaid with Ariel this part made me tear up (King Triton's lines specifically) and now I am playing it over and over in my head. I shouldn't be the only one to cry. So watch and see a new layer to this Disney Classic.

My kid

So I am just now becoming familiar with the whole "Elf On The Shelf" lore. I have known that those things existed..... but they look like miniature clown and creep me out.

However, they have also invaded classrooms, and apparently if you touch one of these "elves" then the elf loses its magic and has to go back to the North Pole.


My kid touched the elf.

I can't believe how embarrassed I am. I can't believe what a big deal I have to make over this, but apparently the rest of the class is devastated.


However we have been working with Ariel for a while now on not touching what isn't yours and listening to instructions. This will be a lesson to remember, and I will from now on be using the phrase.. "remember what happened when you touch Snowflake?"



On the entire other hand, I am nervous for her :( she has to face a classroom full of kids who are upset with her and read an apology note. It is going to be tough and she is already the new kid. Hoping it goes well...

Never Forget

As foster parents, it is impossible to forget that we share our babies with another set of parents. Visits, caseworkers, etc keep that fresh on our minds.

But sometimes there is a lapse between court proceedings and case plan reviews, and you become so entrenched in your family routine that everything feels normal. Then something happens to ruin the illusion that this is your life and it will continue thus. 


Beware of that illusion. It hurts when it dissipates.

Things I am Thankful For

I am Thankful that we have been blessed with the means to care for our two girls, and to take them to Disney World. It was an experience I will never forget and hope to repeat often.

I am Thankful for Snow White. This past month with her has been trying, but only because her little head is trying to understand everything that is happening to her.

I am Thankful for all the times she says "I love you, Mama"; it eases my aching heart when she later reminds me that she "loves her real mom the most."

I am thankful for Ariel's limitless amount of energy. Her constant discoveries, games, giggles and "race yous" make me remember the pure joy of being 6.

I am thankful for Ariel's trust. She has no reason to give us any, but somehow she trusts us and relies on us. I am constantly aware of how beautiful that is.


I am Thankful for my husband, who has become their protector and their  hero.


I am thankful for my Mother. Whose love and devotion to these girls knows no bounds even though she is "Mrs. Sanda * instead of Grandma.

I am thankful for the 10 minutes of quiet I have in the morning. Even though I spend those ten minutes in the shower, it is ten minutes of peace.

I am thankful for the friends who listen to me gripe, moan, gloat, testify, and (occasionally) share.

Most of all, I am thankful for that moment last February when I asked my husband:
 "What are we waiting for?" To which he replied....... "you". I am so thankful that in that moment everything changed and we started on our journey to fosterhood and parenthood.

Because of that moment, I have two amazing little girls in my life, and get to hang two new stockings on the fire place.



*name has been changed due to privacy.

I didn't vote today

So I didn't vote today. Not for some  big political reason, not as a statement on the two men voting for governor, it is not a rejection of one political party or another....

I honestly forgot.

Two years ago this would have been my highest priority. I would have been there before work and worn my "I Voted" sticker proudly. However being a foster parent has blinded me to the outside world and I am forgetting to see the forest for my two little trees.

I talk a lot about how the girls are adjusting (and I do my own fair share of whining), but I am here to say for sure... we have to make adjustments too.

And it is hard.

And you end up doing things that go against your values like not voting.

And then you whine about your life on the internet.

And then you remember that you are taking two 6 year olds who have been abused, traumitized, and nearly starved to Disney world next week.

And things look a little better. :)

Loads of stuff

Snow White's parents remain homeless.

Snow White's caseworker is avoiding her parents, and is tired of their drama. However he did come and get Snow White from school yesterday to drive her to a birthday party that they threw for her. Grandma paid for everything and Grandpa wasn't there.

Snow White was so excited to go and see them, so we were happy too.

Snow White's behavior has been changing. I think that she can tell that "something" is up and feels the distance growing between her and her family. This is devastating to watch because I can't do anything about it. I have to correct her and give her consequences for behaviors caused by parents who probably will never put forth the effort to get her back.

She is being mean to Ariel, who is trying to adjust to being a part of our family and trying to learn to love us as well. She is in the habit of reminding Ariel that we aren't her real parents and this isn't their real home.

She is also pitting her parents against us... questioning our decisions and telling us that she is going to believe her "real" dad over us. We have gone so long working to make sure that we never blame her parents for anything and that we just talk about how much they love her... they have not had the same thought process and it has caused Snow White anxiety.... and I don't think that all of this is her.. I do believe that she is parroting what she is hearing from Mom and Dad.


We are starting to wonder if it isn't time to start.... in a non-judgmental way, making sure that the parents don't get a pass.... But I don't know.

I want to make the decision that is best for her mental state... not mine.


Ariel's parents had court on Monday. They disputed the fact that the agency removed their kids for a good reason and want a trial, which is set for Feb. 5. If mom had accepted that her kids had been taken for good reason, she would have had to stop seeing Ariel's step dad, and remove him from her life permanently. She didn't want to do this, and as of Monday was not working a case plan. However she seems to fully believe that she will win at court and her kids will get to come home.

It just makes me sad to see a girl (she is very young) choose to stay with a man who is obviously beating her. Perhaps she is willfully ignoring the fact that he is beating her kids too..... but this is something that I will never understand. I am hoping she when she loses in February, it will be that wake-up call that she needs and she will say goodbye to the ass hole who is beating her and concentrate on being a Mommy.

Ariel STILL hasn't seen her Mom or siblings. I get the feeling that when she does she will take 84 huge steps backward in behavior and in her adjustment. This has gone on too long and she needs to get used to having vists etc.

Maybe this is the beginning of the end

Snow White's parents, as of yesterday, are no where to be found. Dad and grandpa are under no contact orders when it comes to the kids, and mom and dad are no longer living with the grandparents. This will be the second week that Snow White is not seeing her parents, and that is starting to get to her.

However, just like denying a kid their 30th piece of Halloween candy makes them throw a sugar induced hysterical fit, even though this makes her sad.... not seeing them is better for her.

Her brother came to a Halloween party that we had Thursday night (I so wish I could post pictures!), and while it was stressful, it was ultimately a good thing.

Snow White and Brother have a complicated relationship. Their past causes there to be a lot of anxiety and distrust, but the overall feeling that they seem to have for one another is love. Snow White woke up Saturday morning very excited about Brother coming over, but as the day wore on her emotions flip flopped between excited and anxious. It was hard to watch, and I am conflicted about how often we should do this.

He is a good kid, and was actually a lot of fun to have at the party. He was helpful, respectful, and his excitement was hilarious. He was exactly the kind of kid that you would want yours to be at a party. But with him comes a lot of deep issues and deep emotions for my little girl. And while I don't want to keep them apart, I don't know how often I can put her through those emotions (or put myself through the pain of watching her deal with this).

Today would usually be visit day, but since there is no visit it gets to be Pumpkin Carving day.
Have a great Halloween!

Don't be a nice FP

Don't be a nice Foster Parent to the agency; be a damn pushy one. We started out being nice FPs. We took the caseworker out to lunch, we coddled him and thanked him for all he did (which you should do if they do something awesome). We began the same way with Ariel's caseworker..... and got nothing. Ariel has been here for over 2 weeks, and NO ONE from the agency has come to see her, has set up visits with her family, and we were JUST  notified that the arraignment is on Monday.


So... with out cursing or doing anything that would make me stay away from church this Sunday, I starting demanding that things get done. Emailing supervisors with pointed questions and concerns that are laid out plainly and abruptly work like magic. Within an hour Ariel's Courtney worker had called me and set up an appointment for today. Hopefully our other concerns will be addressed soon.

Our main concern, at this point, is that Dad (is seems) is only being investigated for DA against Mom and not against the kids. Ariel has told us horror stories about how he has treated her, and says every couple of days that she doesn't want to go home.

Our home isn't that fun. If a foster kid doesn't want to go home something is very, very wrong at home.


In other news, Snow White's dad and grandpa have been issued no contact orders, and Dad and Mom are no longer living with the grandparents. As of yesterday no one knew where they were.

Advice

So I am going to find the time to tell you all about Ariel and what it is like to learn how to take care of two little girls with less than 4 month's parenting experience.

I will get to think.




However, today I have some advice: make it a habit to check out the local arrests/ mug shot pages on a weekly basis. Today Snow White's dad and grandpa ended up in there, and we knew before her GAL (and we are assuming the agency) knew about it.



Part of me is happy that the parents are falling apart in a public way (as opposed to being able to keep it a secret and get their kids back when they shouldn't have them), the other part of me hurts for Snow White. Not only is it looking more and more likely that we will have to tell her that she will never go home.... one day she will see those mug shots. And they are not pretty.

Ariel

What a cutie. She is different from Snow White in so many ways, and in so many ways she reminds me of Snow White when she first came to live with us. She is very timid, and tends to pout and shut down at the slightest provocation.

We went shopping today for the essentials: clothes, underwear, a lunch box (she told me she never had one) and she almost became overwhelmed with how much stuff she was all of a sudden allowed to get. She went nuts, wanting to get everything she saw.


Then I saw the lice. That was a fun part of today. So through all of the drama I am imagining (I sure as hell better be imagining it) lice crawling in my hair and rechecking her hair and washing everything that will fit in my dryer.

In our state Medicaid is going through a huge change and no doctor will take it (thanks Obamacare), also those who do accept the medicaid won't take what she is currently on and we have to wait until it gets switched over. HOwever I am required to get her a physical in the next 3 days.........


So I ran around trying to find a doctor with no avail, got her registered for school. Washed her current clothes, bought her new ones, did the lice treatment, fed her, took her and Snow White to Snow White's counselor appointment an hour away,  bought subway, did another lice treatment on all of us, and eventually put them to bed.


Tomorrow we should be able to start getting into the groove and get Ariel on Snow WHite's schedule.

So far the girls enjoy being sisters, but I can tell that they will swivel from being BFFs to Worst Enemies all of the time.

Part 2 of 2 : Grace for the stupid

Two MOndays ago Hubby and I , out of the blue, began talking about taking in another little girl. We thought that maybe we could be open to it and talked with Snow White about bringing in a "foster sister". She was excited about the idea, so we decided to pick up the next time that placement called. 

Placement called today while I was on my way to court. 

"Can you take a 1 year old and a 6 year old?"

"So sorry we only have one more room and nowhere to put the 1 year old."

"Can I call you back if I can't find a placement for the six year old?"

"we will see how my court hearing today goes."

SO the motion hearing was a non-event, and none of our questions for the future were answered. However placement called me back and there was no where else for this little girl to go (supposedly).

I called hubby and we went through all of the reasons not to take her:

1 money

2 we are planning a birthday trip to Disney for Snow White and what if we can't go?

3 can Snow White handle it?

4 time

5 we are in the beginning of a contentious case and are going to try to adopt

6 She is one of five kids from a county away and transportation will be an issue. 

There were many others, but it came down to this: she needed a home and we could give her one. So in came Ariel. She is a beautiful six year old with brown hair and striking brown eyes. She is as stereotypical a placement as you can imagine. She is a little wild with no manners, but is eager to please. She gorged herself on the food that we gave her and continued to ask for more. She was so sweet to Snow White, but both will end up vying for individual attention. 

She was placed in case because of domestic abuse, and got taken away from mom for "failure to protect." Dad is going into jail and apparently mom spent the day with her and her 4 siblings all day. Her clothes were dirty and ill fitting, and I had to check for lice. 

She is awesome. 

She reminds me of why we started doing this in the first place. It has been easy the past 8 weeks or so to forget that Snow White isn't ours. She fits into our family so well and acts like our daughter. It is strange to look back on her entering our home and having some of the same behaviors as Ariel displayed tonight. Poor thing was a whirling dervish all night until she exhausted herself out and feel to sleep. I doubt she will stay that way and I expect I will be woken up several times tonight. 

Worth it. 

Part 1 of 2

So this story is in two different parts. So hold on for this.

Remember when I said that foster parenting is all about waiting and nothing changing until it does?
Well this week everything changed.

First Snow White's situation: Basically the parents showed their true colors in a major way. Their repulsive souls were bared before hidden cameras and no one is under any false impression that they are good people. There was a motion hearing today to revoke unsupervised visits, and there is a separate court hearing on Monday where they will decide whether or not to pursue criminal charges.

Two weeks ago we were certain that Snow White was going to be home for Christmas. Now there is virtually no chance that she will be reunited with Mom and Dad.


HOwever...


(there is always a however)


There are two overly involved grandparents who are probably going to try to go the private adoption route. They are already laying the ground work for that. For right now that will go no where, because they have violated court orders in regards to this case. But there is concern about how a judge in a private adoption case would view everything.

Snow White has no idea that anything is going on and I want it to stay that way. We are at the point now where we are no longer rooting for the parents to reunify at all. Now we push to adopt. It is going to be a dirty fight, and it won't be over for months.

And in the midst of all of this.........

Court is a non-event.... until it isn't

After our last court date, the judge agreed to see the parents in just a matter of weeks to take a look at their progress since they were doing "so good" on their case plan.

On the Saturday before court, Snow White had her first unsupervised visit with the Bios. Her caseworker is doing his best to make sure that the unsupervised visits take place in public where there are always "eyes on the family", so it took some time for her to actually get to see her parents unsupervised.

She comes home happy and full of unhealthy food, and for once we thought "wow, an uneventful visit."

Then her transport worker called to say that the parents notice a scratch on her leg and they are accusing hubby of hurting her and are going to make a huge deal at court.

The "scratch": it happened while he was playing and "tickling" her. It was barely noticeable and such a none event that we didn't even document it. So we immediately took a picture, sent it to the caseworker and the GAL. Sunday we waited. Bellies clenched in apprehension, just knowing that they were going to bring it up in court and we were going to have to answer for "malicious" tickling.


Monday came and court lasted all of 10 minutes. Nothing of note happened. We spent more time talking with the caseworker than we did in court. All that worry for nothing.

 This does not mean that we shouldn't have taken the measures that we did. They warned us in class: you will be accused of doing SOMETHING. That is why is it so important to document everything.

What I am saying is this......

Foster care seems to be a lot of important sounding meeting and court dates, but no change.

Nothing changes... until it does.

Today is her first unsupervised visit and my stomach is in knots. I dreamed last night that they tried to "take" her and I haven't been able to shake the bad feeling I have had since yesterday afternoon.

I'll let you know later how it went.

Awesome

It makes for a great end to your week when you child has to be the one to tell you that a child investigator from DCF came and asked her questions about her parents and "drugs and blah blah."

I need a hug?

We are currently attempting to train Snow White to be able to do things on her own. Things like wash her hair, color, get dressed etc. Things normal 5-year-olds do. She does so well with our undivided attention, but I also want her to be able to play alone for a couple of minutes at a time and be meeting all of the her developmental goals.


So last night it was bath time, and we have been working with her on hygiene and how to clean yourself etc. She is very good at it but constantly calls for us to come in a talk with her while she bathes. Sometimes I am more than happy to share her bath time, but last night was a whirlwind laundry, dogs, making lunches etc. She called and called and finally I walked in there. She began by telling me a nonsense story (grinning the whole time in triumph) when I interrupted and asked

"What do you need?"
"Need?"
"Yes you must need something since you called me in here so many times."
(grinning mischievously) "I need a hug?"


First of all.... that is my smart girl.


Second of all: my annoyance evaporated immediately. How many times has she needed a hug and no one was there? How many times did she simply want to spend time with someone and no one cared? How many more times will I get to hug this precious, manipulative little devil?

This answer is too many times and not enough.

So she got her hug, and I got my clothes wet. The laundry did get done and the lunch got made...... and I went to bed without needing anything.  

"Staffing" Meeting

So we had our first Staffing Meeting  yesterday. If you have never heard the term "staffing" and are instead thinking about a "staff" infection and wondering if the two terms are connected... well you are right.

That meeting was as fun as a staff infection. Sometimes similes just happen :).

 First of all the bios were 20 minutes late, which was extra awesome since I was in an empty classroom waiting for the caseworker to call me. Then this meeting lasted way longer than it should have.

Staffings usually happened once a month to discuss that case, or to make a significant step forward or backwards in the case. This time we were there discussing whether or not Snow White and her brother should have unsupervised visits. It was a mess. We started out by going around the room and describing (as was appropriate) the parents' progress and how the kids were doing. Bio Mom is still HIGHLY upset that Snow White referred to me as Mom last week. It was to the point where she was suggesting that Snow White doesn't know who her real parents are. Throughout the entire meeting Bio Mom was angling to get her removed from our home.

I continued to not make any friends when I explained what Snow White has been telling me  about her feelings and her behaviors. Bio Mom tried to turn it around on me and make it seem like I am laying the blame on others. Then I had to stand up for myself. IT was a mess. Thankfully Snow White's counselor was there and basically repeated everything I said and put the parents' (and some of the caseworkers) in their place.


After a lot of talking, bickering, and whining, it was decided that the kids would have a joint supervised visit and separate unsupervised visits. And after all of the talk about how the bio mom is a "new" person and is now so amazing, the "new" bio mom, threw and "old mom" style fit. Instead of understanding that they were doing separate unsupervised visits due to the kids' emotional readiness.... she took the stance that no one trusts her with her kids (why should they) and made this all about her. She even went as far as to threaten the caseworker telling him that he better deliver or she will go above his head.

I need some antibiotics.

MAYBE

I read about all of these other foster parents who have found this Zen attitude that allows them to love and respect the bio parents.

I haven't found that yet.

Maybe it is me.

 Maybe it is this specific case.

 Maybe it is because they allowed their dog to die of heat exhaustion(if you are thinking right now "if they can't keep a dog alive how could they take care of a child" you are where I have been for two weeks).

Maybe it is because they have nothing but resentment for me when I AM FREAKING TAKING BETTER CARE OF THEIR CHILD THAN THEY EVER DID.

Maybe it is because I suck as a person.

Maybe it is because deep down I believe that they will get to see Snow White grow up.... and I hate that I won't.

Being a Foster Parent is playing havoc with my faith. Sometimes belief in a high power is all that gets me through the day. I have talked about how I feel like God is using this entire thing to teach me a lesson: to teach me how to rely on Him and let go of the control I feel I must have. 

My struggle isn't with my life, or how God treats me, but how my little girl is being treated. In the Bible it says to take on His yoke for his burden is light. 

I am here to tell you that her burden hasn't been light. It isn't enough that she is forced to carry the burden of her abuse and the pain of being forcibly removed from her family. Now she has to deal with her parent's anger and jealousy over loving us. 

Tonight she accidentally called me "Momma" in front of Bio Mom. 

Bio Mom freaked. And made my baby cry.

Her burden isn't light. When will it get light? 

The Word is "Family"

      Snow White's new buzzword is "family."

"Let's watch TV like a family."
"Hold hands like a family!"
"We are having a family dinner."
"Are we going to watch a movie like a family?"


        It is both precious and sad at the same time. It is precious because I love hearing her call us a family. Sometimes she still struggles with our place in her life, but she has accepted the idea that she has two families: us and her parents/brother.

        It is sad because so many of the "family" activities are so normal and everyday, but she LOVES  them and NOTICES them  and APPRECIATES them. I never had to suggest that we do something as a family while growing up. Holding hands was normal, and family dinners were all I knew until we were in high school. The sense of family was always there, but with Snow White this is a new feeling.

    I am so proud and thankful that we are showing her what a family really is, but my heart weeps that she has gone 5 years without ever knowing about family.

Not going to lie.... my heart also quakes at the thought that she might never again feel a part of a family when she leaves us.

Tonight she told me that she didn't want to have kids when she grows up. She wants to be a foster mom like me.



#thingsthatmeltyourheart

Things I have learned

So it has been so long since I have written, but that does not mean that a ton of things haven't happened. So I think the best way to organize this by listing the lessons I have learned, and the circumstances surrounding the lessons.


1. Don't promise phone calls unless you are ready to supervise phone calls at any time. Snow White will go days and days without wanting to call her mom, and then will want to call them at 6:30 in the morning while I am on the way to work. For me, listening to her phone calls stresses me out, I can't really explain why, but her phone calls with her parents leaves me strung tight.

2. Only Only Only Only listen to what your caseworker and your GAL tell you. Other workers are going to want to give you advice and tell you what is going to happen. Don't listen. Your caseworker and your child's GAL are in charge. They know what is going to happen and when. Two weeks ago Snow White's visit supervisor sent me into a full fledged panic attack. She dropped Snow White off at home and then told me that we would be going to unsupervised visits in a couple of weeks, that I would be expected to transport and deal with the bio parents, and that Snow White would probably be home by Christmas.
    I could barely keep it together. I wanted to throw up. I wasn't ready to hear about her going home, and there was no way that Bio mom and dad are ready for unsupervised visits. It was a horrible weekend...only to discover Monday morning (when our caseworker finally emailed us back) that in no  way were unsupervised visits approved, and that we were months away. The GAL emailed us back and added that her office is far from satisfied with the parent's progress and that they needed  A LOT to happen before they would sign off on unsupervised visits. So my panic attack was for nothing.
Learn from my mistake and ONLY listen to the people who are actually in charge.

3. Don't be surprised when everyone in your agency gives the parents every benefit of the doubt... and you none. Foster Parents are held to a very, very high standard, and bio parents are handled with kid gloves and given every opportunity to get it right. When your visit supervisor or caseworker talk about how amazing the parents actually are, and how the parents are victims as well, etc. nod politely or gently correct something if it is a flat out lie. Your agency is going to be on the side of reunification by default. Sometimes this is exactly the stance they should take, sometimes it will keep you up at night.

4. Talk with your child's principal and teachers. The school MUST be kept in the loop. They need to know what is going on and what behaviors to look out for. Also, school seems to come second to the parent's right to their visits. The GAL, along with hubby and me but we don't really count, is currently in a bit of a battle because Snow White is missing  part of school every Thursday so that she can go on her visit.
This is infuriating because Snow White is already behind and now she is being singled out as the kid who is getting constantly checked out. We have complained and complained, but the only response we get is that this is the only time that the parent's schedule and the agency's schedule align. What about Snow White? What about her needs and her schedule?
No one seems to care besides her GAL.

5. Unconditional love works. Snow White has flourished in our home. Her counselor was overjoyed after their session yesterday. She went on and on about the improvement has seen, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel for Snow White. Hubby and I aren't doing anything special, we are just loving her as though she was our own. And for us... she IS ours. We are doing our best to give her as normal a life a possible: this includes family movie nights, family dinners, time outs, consequences, game time, bike riding, and lectures on sharing. We mess up everyday, and sometimes we go days before we get it right... but the love is there. And it is working.

a little

I feel like I should start this blog as if I were beginning confession......"It has been 13 days since my last blog" and things have been insane. I am working on a longer post, but I paused in the middle of making dinner to share this.



The last time my husband helped someone with their homework was 10 years ago. I was a senior in high school and my sister was in middle school. He sat at the dinner table and helped her with her math homework. As I watched, I pictured him helping our future daughter and imagined how patient he would be with her.

Today I get to watch that happen. While she isn't the daughter I imagined, and these are the circumstances in which I imagined having a child..... that vision has come true.


Today was a good day in the land of foster care.

Sharing

I am starting to dread visit days because I hate to share her.

Sometimes it is hard to not be first in her heart when she is tied for first in mine (she shares the spot with my amazing husband).


Foster care isn't easy.

Court

Without giving away confidential information, I want  to talk about the court process as well as update you on what is going on with Snow White.


First of all, court is a lot of waiting. There was a 9 AM docket, and there were 7 cases on the docket: you wait until you are called.

Second of all, dependency court might be the most depressing place I have ever been. There were kids in all stages of foster care, including two teenagers who were about to begin the adoption process. For them, it will be a long process.

Third of all, it is you and the parents in one giant waiting room. Talk about uncomfortable.


Most court dates seem to be a Judicial Review of the case. The caseworker submits their evaluation of the caseplan, and the court will either approve or disapprove. This one took about 5 seconds, and then Bio Mom began her petition for reunification. This was a little more like what you see in Law and Order. Bio Mom was questioned by her lawyer and was cross examined by the agency's lawyer. The agency (since it was opposed to reunification) called its own witnesses and they were cross examined by mom's lawyer. There were still objections, and pieces of evidence submitted, but it was far more casual than in a criminal case and the burden of proof is way less.

The judge, with-in about 1.5 seconds after closing arguments ended, denied the petition, but agreed that Snow White's parents have started down a positive path and is willing the see them again in September.

OUr judge also asked to hear from us foster parents, which is unusual because we have no legal standing whatsoever. This made me feel really positive about him because I feel that this shows that he wants to whole picture so that he can make the right decision.

So I stood up from my seat in the audience (?) and told them how Snow White was doing and addressed some concerns raised by the mother and her lawyer.

Now about Snow White:

SHe was not at court. She had the right to be but due to what we were talking about, we  thought it would be too emotional for her. Her brother was there, and requested to speak to the judge in private, which he did. He was then asked to leave due to what was being discussed.

Mom and Dad were not happy that I didn't bring Snow WHite. I actually had a conversation with mom on the phone on Saturday, and she talked a big game about wanting to meet me and how she wanted me to always be a part of her daughter's life.

She no longer feels that way.

It wasn't enough that I didn't bring Snow White, but when the judge asked for my report, I basically refuted everything the mother had been saying.

She was pissed.

I didn't refute her for the sake of doing it, but she was trying to claim that Snow White was lying about her abuse and that her medical needs were not being met. I explained what happened at each doctor's visit, what their report was, and then (I had to) added that Snow White has talked about her abuse and I see no reason to doubt her.


So basically it was a lot of talking, a lot of driving, a lot of drama, and a lot of glares so that everything could stay the same.



One piece of advice: take your caseworker to lunch. We took ours to lunch and it went very well. Not only did we get a lot of information and a read on him, but it allowed him to get a read on us. I think that we made a good impression and I really believe that because of the positive meeting, any concerns that we have will be listened to with respect.


Just a suggestion :).

All is well

Court was dramatic today.... but everything basically stayed the same. We had lunch with the case worker, and I think that we made a good impression.

In the middle of dinner but will write more late. BUt right now Snow White is safe in our home.

You have to be stubborn

Nicer, kinder, more emotionally evolved people than me will tell you its takes patience to raise and discipline a child.

Maybe that is what you need to be a mom.. but to be a Foster Mom, you have to be stubborn.

You have to be stubborn enough to make the visit supervisor get off of her phone so that you can find out how a visit went.

You have to be stubborn enough to stare down a child until they follow your directions because spanking isn't permitted.

You have to be stubborn enough to not cry when she does.

You have to be stubborn enough to keep a straight face when your child explains in a child's voice what happened to her.... and it's something that should never have to be said by a child.

You have to be stubborn enough to keep driving between the lines when she drops a bomb on you like "_______ isn't my family anymore because he broke my heart to pieces."

You have to be stubborn enough to not pick up the phone and shout at her caseworker for not realizing that reunification isn't always the answer.

YOu have to be stubborn enough to not call her real mom and cuss her like a dog for telling the court that her daughter is lying about her abuse.

It takes stubbornness to not call her former caseworker every time your child talks about her abuse, and tell her that had she done her job and removed the child in the first place, you wouldn't have had to hear this particular story.

You have to be stubborn enough to squash those thoughts that are selfish... because fostercare has no place for selfishness.

It takes stubbornness to be a foster mom.

Which is a good thing, because I am all out of patience with this system.

Phone visits are a double edged sword

   Snow White's heart has had a heavy  heart the past two days and it has showed itself in tantrums and crying fits.

Plain and simple: her life sucks. She can't have a normal childhood because she is forced to live with strangers because her parents refused to stop doing drugs and protect her from abuse. She can't have normal playdates because there are rules governing sleeping arrangements and baby sitters. She is forced to see her abuser 3x per week instead of playing with the neighborhood kids or going to the beach.

I would have tantrums too.

She has asked twice in the past two days to call her mom. She loved talking to her and the rest of her family, but inevitably those phone calls have led to her realizing anew that she isn't where she wants to be: she is with me. Then she acts out.

It hurts to watch her go through this.... and to all of the future foster moms who are wondering, it bugs me a little. I will never admit this in person, but it is terrible to watch my child hurt and not be the one that she wants to turn to. I am not #1 in her life even though she is #1 in mine.

THere. My selfish soul is laid bare. A little part of me feels this every once in a while. And I hate it.

That is the reality of foster care. Even if her story ends up in adoption.... I will have been her second option. It is a harsh truth for all of you who want to give a home to a child who needs one.

That is why the teeny tiny unselfish part of me (it is growing...it used to be teeny teeny tiny) prays that her parents kick their drug habit and figure out a way to keep her safe.


But even when I cry, or drink an extra glass of wine late at night.... it is so worth it.

I am raging

So this is what a Momma Bear feels like when dumb ass people want to endanger her babies. Yes I am mad, and Yes I may curse a little...it is just one of those days.


So this is foster care: you can be having a pleasant day painting fingernails and trying to explain the concept of wasting food when you get a call (that is not from your case worker as it should have been) telling you that your foster child's moronic parents have filed a Petition of Reunification.

Panic begins, the urge to throw up overwhelms you, and you remember ever stupid decision that a person in power ever made and mentally create a picture of a judge who is too dumb to sit in your middle school class room.


Then you get pissed.

So here is the deal, Snow White's parents have a private attorney (who obviously didn't review the petition that they filed because it was riddled with typos and word usage issues) and these people have decided to file a petition the have their children returned to them immediately.

They claim that the agency did not do their due diligence, that the GAL never gets back with them, and that Snow White is lying about the abuse that happened to her while in their care.

They also are angry that she is living so far away and are claiming that because of the distance, living with us is not in her best interest. They claim that her medical needs are not being met and that not going to the same school as her brother is a detriment to her.

They also claim that the threats that they claimed to have made against her former foster parents were a lie and the the supervisors can prove that.
They Lied.

I spoke with the supervisor today and mentioned this petition, she had no idea that this had happened and was furious that they were using her name. She said that she never provided any such testimony and that they did threaten the foster parents.

I also did speak with her caseworker. Apparently in these situations very little is asked of the foster parents. They don't like to have foster parents testify if they can avoid it in order to maintain the foster parent's anonymity and/or good relationship with the parents.

I also asked if there was any reason for him to think that I needed to get Snow White's things ready to leave and he chuckled and said not at all. This is reassuring because if the judge approved this motion, Snow White would leave our home immediately.

While trying to write this blog, many people have called me and talked with me about this. The caseworker explained that parents can file this type of motion at any time during the case. She also explained that since there was no judge or attorney signature on the document, the parents wrote this themselves and the judge will consider the source.

They will also have to prove that their claims are true, but since the first claim that I questioned was proven a lie, I am assuming that there are several other....inaccuracies in the document.

It just makes me to enraged. The fact that they can write down that their little girl is lying about something that no little girl should know about infuriates me. Then they belittle what they know happened as not a big deal.
HOw can they do that to her? How can they claim that she is a liar? I mean, we guessed that they had claimed that she was lying because she is so sensitive about being called a liar, but to put it on a court document.... despicable.

Honestly I am not nearly as worried about this as I was several hours ago. Her entire team believes that Snow White is honestly explaining what happened to her and that the parents are not fit guardians in their current state. Her GAL (who I met in person on Friday and it was amazing) is happy that she was removed from her home and won't agree with immediate reunification.

However this is foster care and Anything can happen. Pray for me. This is going down on August 4th.

8 Days

We have had her for 8 days, and it took less than 8 minutes to fall in love with her.

Snow White has adjusted remarkably well. She still misses her old Foster Mom sometimes and has spoken with her on the phone twice. However, she frequently looks up at me and says "You are the best mom ever."

Then she tells me to stop crying :).

The only black spot (besides the looming date in January when the case plan should be complete) is her parents. They WILL NOT stop trying to make all homes unsafe for Snow White. They drove her out of her first foster home, and on her first visit last week, they gave her an electronic device as a present with tracking software on it.

Luckily the young lady, Amy, who supervises the visits is way more street smart than I am and found all of the software on the device before they discovered where we lived.

What followed was a long weekend where we heard from NO ONE about what we were going to do or how the agency was going to respond.

FINALLY our poor caseworker (who had been out due to illness and still sounded sick on the phone) got in touch with us, got caught up, and responded just the way I hoped he would.

I was nice, but uncompromising when it came to protecting my home for Snow White. I explained that if they showed up where they weren't supposed to, the police would be involved. Snow White has been having to shoulder the consequences of her parents actions, and that stops right now.

Thankfully he was in total agreement and we were able to set up safeguards. Amy was hoping that visits would be suspended, but only a judge can do that.

On the bright side, Snow White's GAL is very concerned about the situation and is getting her office involved as well. Hubby and I get to meet them on Friday when they visit our home for the first time. I am so excited to meet her and her husband (they  are partners) because she is so sweet, but a little nervous because I know that she will be judging my home to see that is it a good place for Snow White. While I am glad she is going to have that attitude, it is a little nerve wracking.

I will let you know how her visit to our home goes. In the mean time, pray for our Snow White. I work every day to channel the mother who brought her baby with the imposter mom before King Solomon. She was willing to give up her child if it meant that he was safe. I ask God for her unselfish spirit everyday. So when you all pray for us, make sure it is a prayer that Snow White ends up in the best possible place; a place where she will be happy and safe... even if that isn't with us.

She called me "mom" on accident.

Then she giggled, thought about it, and then asked
"What should I call you?"
Me: "YOu have been calling me Linda, but you can call me whatever you want.
Snow White: Can I call you foster mom?
Me. Sure.

GAL

Snow White is beautiful and amazing and awesome and sweet and so completely lovable!

She just met my mother, and it was surprising how quickly Snow White had mom wrapped around her little finger.

Today is her visit day with her bio parents so I had a couple of hours to go over the court documents, doc records and get in touch with her GAL.

GALs are one of the most important people in a foster kid's life. Apparently judges take what they say to heart over everyone else's. I have read where bad GALs have ruined cases and returned children to bad situations.

Snow White's GAL seems amazing! She is a volunteer and really cares about Snow White.  She was very concerned about the situation with her former foster parents and was relieved to talk with me and get to know me. I like that she is judging whether or not I will be good enough for Snow White. I WANT her to be constantly working on doing what is best for her.

My heart is so glad, and it seems like I have a great team around me. Our caseworker is new to the case, but he is a veteran and is very experienced. He has a huge caseload (they all do) but has managed to answer all of my questions and responds quickly.

Yesterday went great. We played, talked and spent time bonding. I think yesterday was a high... and I am curious to see if today after her visit will be a low. She is starting to understand that she isn't going back to her old foster home and is working hard to understand why.

I still see God's hand all over this placement. I have placed her completely in His hands, and my wish is that you all include her in your prayers.

Snow White

Today I had a little Disney Princess move in to my home and my heart. She is beautiful and precious in every way, and her favorite Princess is Snow White.... So that is what I will call her.

Snow White came to us from another foster family (as explained in the last post). They brought her over, looked around the house, and forced themselves to leave. My heart just broke for them, because it is so obvious that they love her.... and she loves them back.



It is funny how God works; a dozen little things came together that let us know that we had said "yes" to exactly the right child.She is very talkative and matter-of-fact. As soon as they left she started talking and hasn't stopped. Her favorite phrase is "Can I Tell you something?" and then she proceeds to tell us one random thing after another.


Her foster parents (Ashley and Duncan)are amazing people! It was so great to meet them and talk with them, even though they were struggling with the whole thing. 

After putting Snow White to bed, I called Ashley and told her what a great night that we had had and how much we loved her already. Then Ashley proceeded to make me bawl like a baby by telling me that Hubby and I were the answer to many many prayers, and that it is obvious to them now that our home is where Snow White is meant to be. 



I will write more tomorrow, but right now things are going well.... and we even got a couple of  "I Love Yous" at random times tonight :). 


Hubby summed it up well as we were getting ready for bed

"For the first time in a long time... I am content."

It is 6:30. Jenny the placement lady is supposed to call me at 10:30. 

What the hell am I supposed to do until then? 

I am so jittery and excited and nervous! I also keep thinking about the foster family that she is being ripped away from. They (from the info that we were given) did nothing wrong and are great foster parents, but bio mom and dad were acting so inappropriately that the agency is removing her from the home so that Bio mom and dad won't know where she is and won't be able to harass the foster parents. 

Foster Mom is devastate, And I am sure our new addition is devastated as well. It wasn't enough for her bio parents to make one home unsafe, they had to do the same thing to her new home. 

I want to be a mom, and I know that this is what God has called me to do (even though I yell at him about it sometimes), but every time a child comes into our home devastation will be a part of the equation. 


OK. I am bringing myself down so I have to stop writing now! Maybe I will go to the store and buy some water guns etc. so that we can play outside.....

:)

4 days of silence; 3 hours of craziness.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July! Hubby and I took what might be our last trip (just the 2 of us) for a couple of years. The phone was silent all weekend, and then today (Monday) the silence was broken. 

At around 3 I got a call for respite, which I said no to right away. Lots of foster parents enjoy respite.... but I am so ready to give my heart and soul to some precious baby that I can't have a child for only a couple of days. 

Then at 3:30 Hubby got a phone call for a 5 year-old girl from a couple of counties away. Her history is truly heartbreaking, and her parents are apparently a little unstable. While I was talking to Jenny the placement specialist*, Hubby got another phone call.... FOR ANOTHER PLACEMENT.  This little girl is 6 and from our county. Her case is simpler and her parents are going to probably be in a state funded facility for the foreseeable future. We had to say yes to one and no to the other..... We chose the little girl from our county. 

I was so excited! I ran to Wal*Mart, bought a bunch of kid snacks and some sugary cereal. We waited for placement to call us back and tell us they were on their way... only to be disappointed.

Placement called us back to tell us that they had found a relative placement for her. Why they called us before they called her grandparents I don't know. I was so pissed. We explained to these placement folks that saying yes to them meant saying no to another child.... and they let us do that even though they hadn't researched her immediate family. I was certain that we had just gone from possibly two babies to none. 

However, God works in wonderful ways and we were able to get back in touch with Jenny the placement lady about the 5 year old and she is coming to our home tomorrow!!!! We officially have our first placement. As long as there are no more curve balls (foster parents are out there laughing at my optimism because foster care consists of ONLY curve balls)we will have our first little girl tomorrow. 

Her case is going to be tricky. Apparently, her parents are extremely difficult, which is why our agency has decided to move her a couple of counties away from them. According to the placement specialist, her parents have a terrible relationship with her current foster parents. It is so bad, that our agency has decided that we need to be completely insulated from bio mom and dad. According to Jenny the placement lady, our agency doesn't even want us to meet bio-parents. However, I will have to drive one county over at least 3 times a week for visits and therapy. 

I am not sure what the next couple of weeks will hold. I am so excited and terrified at the same time. There are a million things going through my head:

"Will we be able to give her what she needs?" 
"Will her parents stalk us?" 
"Will she fit in with our extended family?"
"DO 5-year-olds still take naps?" 
"Should I buy some tear free shampoo?"
"Will she be afraid of my dogs?"


The only thing keeping me calm is my faith that God wants us to have her, and for whatever reason, He thinks that she belongs with us. 

I hope He knows what he is doing.... cuz I am not sure I do. 



*From now on all names will be fake ones. I have to call people something, but I also needs to protect everyone's privacy.

Saying No Sucks

You set up parameters for a reason.

While getting licensed, you will be asked in a hundred different ways to set up parameters for the kinds of kids that you are willing to take. It is beyond age, race, or gender; you will be asked if you are willing to take medically needy kids, kids who are homosexual, disabled kids, ESE kids, etc. Hubby and I spent months talking about this. We went over ages... gender.... and what medical issues we could handle; we changed our minds more than once, but finally we decided on parameters that we felt good about.

All of that we out the window about an hour ago. My caseworker called to tell me that we are officially licensed!

And then she dropped a bomb.

She told me that she needed a home for two boys (we are licensed for girls) who are out of our age range, and the youngest needs medical attention due to injuries received in his home.

For a moment I didn't care about our parameters. All I cared about was that there were two boys who needed a home and that even though I would be in over my head, I could give them one. I went through a ton of scenarios trying to figure out how I could make it work.... But I couldn't. Two precious, abused babies who need a home.... and I had to say no.

I made the right call. It was outside of what we could handle, and while I am home full time for the next 6 weeks and can take care of then 24/7, soon I will be back at work, and it is unknown if the boy with injuries will be able to be in day care.  They need a home with a stay at home mom or dad, and that just isn't our home.


I still feel guilty. I went to Target to pick up groceries right after and while I was check out the man behind me was buying a bunch of baby boy outfits. It was one of those moments when you look up at God and say "Really? you couldn't have led him to another cash register?"

Saying no sucks. But if I had said yes today, to something that wasn't right for our home, I would have denied the babies that we are going to get, who are going to fit into our home. I had to say no, so that I will be able to say yes when the right call comes.

I still feel guilty.

Saying NO Sucks.

hurry up and wait

Our caseworker came over and did our second home visit on Tuesday. Basically she just interviewed hubby and made sure all of her information was correct. She submitted that paperwork on Wednesday, and now we wait!

Praying for our first placement!

Home Visit

Just got done with our first home visit. It was very casual and we passed everything. I so nervous that a fire alarm was going to malfunction or a bug was going to make an appearance, but it all went smoothly. I was actually surprised at the number of things that our caseworker took my word for. For all she knew my cleaners were really under the sink instead of the locked closet that I pointed to. 

After the health inspection she interviewed me, and the questions were almost verbatim what was on the questionarre. Maybe she wanted to watch/hear me answer them to make sure I was telling the truth?  The only things that she actually checked were that our hot water heater worked, that there was a thermometer in the fridge, that we have a first aid kit, and that one of the 6 fire alarms work, and that our fire extinguisher was tagged. After checking these few things she took pictures of each room and closet, and the yard. 

I honestly was nervous about the dogs. We have a pit bull and she looks like one (even though our vet has her down as a boxer mix). I have been worried from the beginning that someone would judge our dog based on her breed instead of paying attention to her disposition. However, our case worker is a dog lover and was best friends with both our dogs within a few minutes

 I can't think of anything else to really tell you right now... I am just so full of relief. If you want to know more specifics just message me and ask. 

There is so much to tell. We came back a ocuple of days ago from the ROyal Family Kids camp (full blog coming soon). Suffice to say there is a gil in the county next to ours who is walking around with my beating heart in her hands, and there are several more walking around with pieces of my soul.

Also in about an hour I have my health inspection and first home visit. 

I will tell you how that goes!

The Foster Path

I continue to be surprised at all of the ways God is gently moving us forward on the Foster Path.  Sometimes (and this is a weird analogy but I have dogs and this makes sense to me) I have felt like a dog on a leash. In the beginning I was on the Foster Path, but I had to be dragged, yanked, and prodded forward, but now walking calmly beside God I get to pause for a moment and be witness to why I am here in the first place. 

One of the amazing things I am seeing is the amount of people who are opening up to us about their foster care experience. It is shocking how many people who we know casually or through other people have been through the foster care system. One example is a wonderful lady at work. We were standing in a group of people, chatting about foster care, and all of a sudden she just started weeping. Her husband, it turns out, had been in the system forty years ago. Soon we were all crying as she told us part of his story. While it is sad and a burden to carry all of these stories of pain and loss, I know that I need them and that they will make me a better foster mother... and eventually a better mom. 

God had also provided other ways for Hubby and I to be involved with foster kids.
(quick info before I go on..... in most states, once a foster kid is 18 the state is done with them. FLorida is doing it a little differently and is helping the kid transition out by taking care of them and helping them live on their own until they are 21)
 Hubby works on the athletic program at out church, and recently has started a program where each sports team sponsors a foster kid 18-21. That means that the team will save a spot on their team for that particular kid and make sure that they have the gloves, cleats, and gear needed to play. HUbby's team just started this, and Hubby is actually meeting the 19-year-old that we are sponsoring today!


It is stuff like this and countless other precious moments and people who encourage me everyday. What we are doing is terrifying, and if you are out there think about going down the Foster Path..... you will be terrified. But you will also be lifted up, and you will have moments of clarity and realize that you whole life has been preparing you for this. 

Lessons

Last night I left class angry.  The more I learn about the legal system, the procedures for our state, and agency policy, I realize one thing: I can't count on any of them to do what is best for the kids. 

I guess by now I shouldn't be surprised. No one looks out for these kids. Not the schools, hospitals..... not anyone. 

As I have mentioned before, there is something called a "case-plan" that goes with every child. It is just a document detailing the goals for the child and their parents. In order for the parent to get their child back, they have to complete a list of tasks: parenting classes, getting a job, completing a drug/alcohol program etc. If they don't finish this laundry list of items, the case-plan will go to 

LASt night I found out the NOW judges aren't even really sticking to the 9 month limit. If that have the "majority" of it done at 9 months the judges figure "good enough".


Maybe tomorrow I will realize that the lesson I should learn from this is that God is the only one I can count on to take care of these kids.

Maybe that isn't such a bad thing.

So I am lame and haven't written in a while.
 And there is so much going on! One of the most exciting things about to happen is the husband and I are about to be a part of the Royal Family Kids Camp. This is a camp just for children in the foster system. Hubby and I are going to be counselors! We found out through a friend that their church was starting this camp with 34 hours of deciding to research foster care. We took it as a sign and interviewed and became camp counselors.

If you want to know more about what this amazing camp does, and how it changes the lives of kids who believed that no one loved or wanted them, check out this link http://royalfamilykids.org/about/our-history/.

We took part in a weekend long training last weekend, and we were definitely ahead of the curve since we have received so much training in our PRIDE classes. We head out in June and I simply can't wait to go there and see what God has planned for us. I totally believe we are meant to do this, and I also believe it will make us better foster parents.

We only have two weeks of classes left on our PRIDE classes. Last week they went over discipline and I wanted to scream a little. I am TOTALLY ON BOARD with not spanking a foster child. They have been abused, sometimes severely, and will never be able to see spanking as anything other than abuse. I will never spank a foster child.
But oh my word this woman was a little crazy when it came to discipline. She began the session by asking "If a child gets in trouble at school, and receives discipline, should they also be disciplined at home?'

She totally expected us to say no.
We didn't.
There are three teachers in our class and everyone of us gave an emphatic "yes they should!"

It went downhill from there.

To be fair, not all of it was crazy. I think in our case, listening and understanding where behaviors and feelings are coming from is going to be more important than ever. But it is something that I have had to learn to do as a teacher (since I have no idea why they come to school moody, with no pencils and no work done) so I think we will be able to do that for all of our children.


Things are moving along and the house is slowly coming together. I will post more about the house, our checklist of foster care approved changes, and the Foster Shower my mother is throwing us next week.

 

Class Three

 Class three was interesting to say the least. We were short by one couple: the couple my hubby pegged to be the first to chicken out. 

I use the phrase "chicken out" but honestly.... I think they are the only normal/non-desperate ones (were fit in the non-normal category if anyone was wondering ;) ) in the class. It is interesting to see the dynamic of people who want to be foster parents. I mentioned the older couple who is trying to take care of their granddaughter who is currently living in Virginia. I like them more and more, and hope there is a happy ending to their story. 

There are a couple of people doing something called child specific adoption. They already have the kids living with them (they were a relative/friend placement) and are going through the class so that they can officially adopt their specific kids.

We have two single women wanting to become foster parents. One is a sweet girl who wants to help her community.

The other girl is interesting. SHe is a caseworker and wants to foster teenagers. Basically she rocks. 

We have one lesbian couple who are looking to adopt. They are both super sweet and I hope they find kids soon.

The last lady is a bit of a question mark. She is single and seems to be very lonely. I hope she finds a kid who is a good fit for her.



This week we really started to get into the nitty gritty stuff. They discussed how trauma and abuse can cause behavior issues and developmental delays. I can't tell you how much reading other blogs helped prepare me for this. Every situation that we discussed last night has been covered in one blog or another. 
I can't tell you how important it has been to me to not be surprised by all the things we are hearing in class. THe most important thing to remember about child behavior is something that any teacher can tell you... it is all about the parents. Any questions I have ever had about a child have been answered upon meeting the parent. With these kids... we are dealing with the crappiest of the crappiest examples of parents out there, so their kids will behave accordingly. And it won't be their fault.

Remind me in years to come that I said all that. 

This quote makes me think of my wonderful husband.

"God is primarily concerned with receiving glory from our lives. Perhaps the daunting circumstances you are facing are just a platform from which God desires to demonstrate a mighty miracle to an unbelieving world. The eyes of God are going to and fro throughout the earth looking for someone through whom He can show himself mighty."

I also got to see this video this morning!

Shocker

So last night was class #2. 


Got the huge tax-code sized packet of information that we have to fill out...YAY!

Then we got a whole bunch of information..... most of which I was ready to hear. Except for this little gem.

Foster Parents are asked to be the supervisor for all supervised visits. The kids will have court ordered visits with mom and/or Dad during the week. How many and for how long varies. In most agencies, the caseworker takes care of the visits. They supervise, note how the parent and child behave with one another etc.  They even pick the kids up if necessary. But for whatever reason (I am guessing lack of resources) my agency will have the case worker attend the first visit and then let us carry on just the two of us for the rest of the duration of the child's stay.

I am less than impressed. 

However, It is not a deal-breaker. Visits will happen in a public place, and if I just can't do it... I won't. 


Every couple of days I get a little nugget of information that scares the hell out of me I wasn't expecting, but God always reminds me what I am doing this for.

Last night there was a couple in our class. An extremely nice couple (she works, he owns his own business) whose granddaughter is in foster care in another state. That state requires that even relatives have to have foster parent training in order to care for the child while the bio parents get their stuff together. Our agency is streamlining them through, but for now this couple is left with trying to get ready as fast as they can while their grandbaby is with someone else. 

I asked Grandpa about it and his response was what He needed me to hear.

Me: have you seen her since she is in foster care?
Grandpa: Yes we were there last week. IT was hard to leave.
Me: Is she with good people?
Grandpa: SHe is with an amazing Christian family who obviously loves her.

While we want to adopt one of the little ones that come into our home.... I also hope that we get to be that "amazing Christian family."

Beginnings

Ever since my husband and I decided to become foster parents I have been obsessively stalking reading every Foster Parent blog I could find. So.... knowing full well that blogging is something that my pretentious college self started doing in 2007 and that in 2014 it is something that even Barney Stinson is done with, I am starting a blog in hopes that years down the road, my experiences will provide some insight into the craziness that I am signing up for.


A quick background: I am 27, live in the south, and have been married for almost 5 years to the most wonderful man God put on the planet. I love my job, my friends, my family, and aside from being bullied for being chubby with frizzy hair in middle school, my life has been pretty easy.

Until God decided that having a baby (something that tons of undeserving people get to do) was going to be a challenge for me.

After a miscarriage and a year of (unsuccessfully) trying, one day I looked at my husband and asked "what are we waiting for?"

We always said we were going to adopt no matter what. Adoption has been a part of my family for generations and we wanted to continue the tradition.

So my husband made a very typical "him" response and said "You".

From there we went through what I think everyone goes through when they decide to adopt. We talked with friends, we called people, got information packets, prayed, cried, thought maybe this really isn't for us, until we finally landed on becoming foster parents with the intent to adopt.

A lot of reasons factored into our decision, but the bottom line was that these children are here NOW, they need a home NOW and based on my experience with kids and foster parents, WE are in an ideal situation to provide the kind of home that they will need.

So for those of you are just starting the process, or for those of you curious about how it works, here is what I understand so far.

1. Kids come into foster care as an absolute last resort. In my opinion, they should get taken away a little sooner. So when they come to you, they have been through the ringer.

2. The buzz word that you will hear over and over and over again is "reunification". That is the goal. They WANT the parents to get their kids back. They will do everything they can to get the kids back to mom and dad. They do NOT want you to adopt. Period.
3. In my state, a parent has to up nine months to get their act together before the courts begin looking for other placement options. This could mean adoption by a family member, adoption from a foster parent, or adoption from  an adoptive family.
4. In my state. licensing happens REALLY FAST! We are enrolled in a class called PRIDE that lasts for 9 weeks. After we finish the classes and turn in our paperwork, we will have a homestudy. After the homestudy, it will take about 30 days to get our license. After that, a phone call could come at any time.
5. A foster parent has a lot of control when it comes to accepting a child into their home. You can choose the age, gender, race, amount, and situation. However, that does not mean that the case workers will always call you with what you sign up for. YOU CAN SAY NO.


We have decided to foster girls from infancy to 6 years old(that is a long story)we are wanting to do one at a time but are open to two.
All of this means that we have A LOT to do to get ready in  a short amount of time. Hope this will help somebody some day.:)