Things I have learned

So it has been so long since I have written, but that does not mean that a ton of things haven't happened. So I think the best way to organize this by listing the lessons I have learned, and the circumstances surrounding the lessons.


1. Don't promise phone calls unless you are ready to supervise phone calls at any time. Snow White will go days and days without wanting to call her mom, and then will want to call them at 6:30 in the morning while I am on the way to work. For me, listening to her phone calls stresses me out, I can't really explain why, but her phone calls with her parents leaves me strung tight.

2. Only Only Only Only listen to what your caseworker and your GAL tell you. Other workers are going to want to give you advice and tell you what is going to happen. Don't listen. Your caseworker and your child's GAL are in charge. They know what is going to happen and when. Two weeks ago Snow White's visit supervisor sent me into a full fledged panic attack. She dropped Snow White off at home and then told me that we would be going to unsupervised visits in a couple of weeks, that I would be expected to transport and deal with the bio parents, and that Snow White would probably be home by Christmas.
    I could barely keep it together. I wanted to throw up. I wasn't ready to hear about her going home, and there was no way that Bio mom and dad are ready for unsupervised visits. It was a horrible weekend...only to discover Monday morning (when our caseworker finally emailed us back) that in no  way were unsupervised visits approved, and that we were months away. The GAL emailed us back and added that her office is far from satisfied with the parent's progress and that they needed  A LOT to happen before they would sign off on unsupervised visits. So my panic attack was for nothing.
Learn from my mistake and ONLY listen to the people who are actually in charge.

3. Don't be surprised when everyone in your agency gives the parents every benefit of the doubt... and you none. Foster Parents are held to a very, very high standard, and bio parents are handled with kid gloves and given every opportunity to get it right. When your visit supervisor or caseworker talk about how amazing the parents actually are, and how the parents are victims as well, etc. nod politely or gently correct something if it is a flat out lie. Your agency is going to be on the side of reunification by default. Sometimes this is exactly the stance they should take, sometimes it will keep you up at night.

4. Talk with your child's principal and teachers. The school MUST be kept in the loop. They need to know what is going on and what behaviors to look out for. Also, school seems to come second to the parent's right to their visits. The GAL, along with hubby and me but we don't really count, is currently in a bit of a battle because Snow White is missing  part of school every Thursday so that she can go on her visit.
This is infuriating because Snow White is already behind and now she is being singled out as the kid who is getting constantly checked out. We have complained and complained, but the only response we get is that this is the only time that the parent's schedule and the agency's schedule align. What about Snow White? What about her needs and her schedule?
No one seems to care besides her GAL.

5. Unconditional love works. Snow White has flourished in our home. Her counselor was overjoyed after their session yesterday. She went on and on about the improvement has seen, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel for Snow White. Hubby and I aren't doing anything special, we are just loving her as though she was our own. And for us... she IS ours. We are doing our best to give her as normal a life a possible: this includes family movie nights, family dinners, time outs, consequences, game time, bike riding, and lectures on sharing. We mess up everyday, and sometimes we go days before we get it right... but the love is there. And it is working.