Phone visits are a double edged sword

   Snow White's heart has had a heavy  heart the past two days and it has showed itself in tantrums and crying fits.

Plain and simple: her life sucks. She can't have a normal childhood because she is forced to live with strangers because her parents refused to stop doing drugs and protect her from abuse. She can't have normal playdates because there are rules governing sleeping arrangements and baby sitters. She is forced to see her abuser 3x per week instead of playing with the neighborhood kids or going to the beach.

I would have tantrums too.

She has asked twice in the past two days to call her mom. She loved talking to her and the rest of her family, but inevitably those phone calls have led to her realizing anew that she isn't where she wants to be: she is with me. Then she acts out.

It hurts to watch her go through this.... and to all of the future foster moms who are wondering, it bugs me a little. I will never admit this in person, but it is terrible to watch my child hurt and not be the one that she wants to turn to. I am not #1 in her life even though she is #1 in mine.

THere. My selfish soul is laid bare. A little part of me feels this every once in a while. And I hate it.

That is the reality of foster care. Even if her story ends up in adoption.... I will have been her second option. It is a harsh truth for all of you who want to give a home to a child who needs one.

That is why the teeny tiny unselfish part of me (it is growing...it used to be teeny teeny tiny) prays that her parents kick their drug habit and figure out a way to keep her safe.


But even when I cry, or drink an extra glass of wine late at night.... it is so worth it.