Testing Me or Just Being a Kid

How I Met Your Mother, had an episode several years ago that featured a made up gamed called "Drink or a Kid. Simple premise, the characters told stories of horrendously stupid things that had done, and everyone else had to decide whether or not they did this while drunk, or when they were a kid.

Most escapades were typical: driving the wrong way down an one way street, roller skating off the roof, drying off fire crackers in the microwave.


AS a foster parent it is often difficult to tell whether or not a child's bad decision is them deliberatly testing you, a result of their condition as a foster kid, or them being stupid (unwise is the nice word but I am not in a good mood).

Snow White has had a rough week behavior wise. SHe is pitching fits, screaming, and not getting her work done in school.

A byproduct of this week being grandparent visit week? Or because she is six and being a bit bratty?


Mulan, despite countless conversations, having a boyfriend at the time, professing to want to have a career, has unprotected sex several weeks ago.

Leaving the pregnancy test where I can find it to see if we will stick by her? Or being too dumb to know to use protection and to NOT HAVE SEX WITH LOSER GUYS?

I am just so scared. Here I am, unable to protect Snow White from the system. I have to watch as a judge decides whether or not he will let her future be ruined by her biological family.

And on the other hand, I am watching Mulan make self destructive decisions and I can't protect her from herself.

I prayed today. I said "God I have only had her for 3 months. It isn't enough time. Don't let her life be ruined when I haven't had a chance to change its course."

I don't know what else to pray for.

I read over this and it is so negative, so filled with my pain and hurts and worries.

And yet had I foreseen this day, I wouldn't change any decision we made. I would still foster. I would still choose to take all of this on.

Because they need us so badly. If we weren't here, who knows where Mulan would have ended up. Who knows how many homes Snow White would have been in. And who knows? Maybe we all will pass the test.

I Was Going to Tell You

I was going to tell you about being an overwhelmed and busy foster parent.

I was going to tell you all about the angst of looking at a reading score and thinking first "THis will show the court that she belongs here" instead of "Snow White is doing such an awesome job!"

I was going to tell you about changing my time budget, and budgeting time to enjoy my kids, instead of just worrying about them.

But I think you would rather hear about the convo I had with Mulan on Sunday. NOw to be clear, Mulan has had a sh*t life. It has given her nothing but pain, and the expectation of pain. And yet she is not selfish. She is not only self aware.

We were talking about what the beginning of 2016 might be like. She will be officially adopted, and if things go the right way, we will be in the process of adopting Snow White. I was telling her that I was going to be ready for a break; ready for a time for our family to just... be still and enjoy eachother. "I want to take a year off", I told her.

She snorted in exasperation as only 18-year-olds can do, and tells me that a year is way too much time. 6 months is reasonable, but a year is self indulgent.

WE talked about adopting other kids, about fostering and the upheaval in our lives, and she told me that as long as she was the oldest, to foster and adopt as many as possible.

I can't tell you what it feels like to have her permission. To know that this precious child who could be completely turned inward and wanting everything focused on her, is the one encouraging ME to go and do my work.

God chose well when He sent her to me.

Welcome to Parenting

I hate it when people respond to my stories with a "welcome to parenting". Like the challenges I face are "typical" or that "every parent goes through this".

I get it in almost every situation. My husband and I are considering buying a house and are trying to think through our storage issues.

"Well every parent worries about storage."

Really? Every parents worries about having 3-5 days of clothes for kids from 5-10 years old?

"The amount of homework kids have is a daily struggle for all families."

Really? Every family has to worry about how to get homework done with a therapy session and up to 3 parent visits per week? Every family?

"All moms dread school projects."

How many moms are helping put together their child's "All About Me" poster and are coaching them about how to answer the inevitable questions they will get asked because your child wants to put all of their foster siblings (past and present) on their poster? How many dread beginning these "family projects" because you don't know if they will choose pictures of their biological family or you?

Hmm? How many?


"Lots of teenagers deal with depression."

I get that. I really do. But that is not the correct response to my situation. My situation is that my teenager is going through some immense stuff because she is just now allowing herself to remember all of the times her mother sold her for drug money. Yep. Sold her.
Lots of regular teens deal with that?

"You look tired. Welcome to parenting!"

I am tired. I am tired of hearing rape stories. I am tired of not being the Mommy that my kids cry for. I am tired of not being in control of my kids' futures. I am tired of going to court. I am tired of wondering if they are going to be snatched away from me.
And Yeah, I am also tired of homework, cooking, tired of cleaning tired of not having a moment to myself, tired of coming home from work and nothing being accomplished. Tired of being the first to wake up in the morning and having the responsibility of waking everyone else up .


"Most marriages go through a transition after the kid comes along."

Many marriages also fail when there is a tragedy involving their children. Most marriages don't have to carry the constant fear of the family being torn apart. Most marriages can plan for the future. Most marriages don't have to undergo constant scrutiny from the state department.


Many parents are dealing with similar and even worse stresses. There are parents who have lost children,  who are going through a divorce, who have a terminally ill child. But no one tells them "welcome to parenting."


Yes I am a parent now. Yes I am experiencing all of the stresses that most Moms do. The lack of time alone, the constant burden of taking care of others, the messy house, the mountain of laundry, the "whats for dinner" questions. I get all of that.


I wish that was all I got.

encouragement

You think that you are failing as a parent and then you see you child post this....





I need new people to talk to...and by people I mean people who won't hit on me and won't try anything. I just want a friend and if that is too much to ask well then delete me because I have learned ALOT these last couple weeks and I don't need attention by wanting a sex. The way I can get the attention and healthy attention is by being a friend and have respect for myself and other people.


Mulan is getting it. She is getting that she is precious and worthy. Please God let this keep up.





Then after I write this she posts this:


I have a great mommy and daddy and little sister they make my day everyday and I know that they love me even tho I make mistakes and so does God 

How to Handle It When Your Child Tells Your Their Rape Story

For traditional parents, I imagine that the idea of their child being raped is a horrific nightmare, a possible reality that they do everything they can to prevent.

By the time our kids get to us, it is too late to prevent them from having been hurt, and the likelihood that they have been raped or molested isn't a possibility: it is a probability. As a foster parent, you will almost certainly have a child want to tell you about past abuse, physical or sexual, and there is a correct way to react.


1. Remain Calm- You are going to want to cry. You are going to want to vomit. You are going to want to get up in the middle of their story and go put the sonofabitch in a grave. And if they are already in a grave you are going to want to go spit on it.   You can't do any of that. I can't stress enough how important it is to remain calm. Hold your anger and anguish as a fireball in your gut and keep you face calm.

Several reasons for this: a lot of foster kids take on adult responsibility for themselves. If they think that their story is too much for you to handle, they won't tell you in order to protect you. Also, if you express anger even though you are directing all of that anger at their abuser, they will take it as directed at THEM. You have to think, they were always told to never tell, that no one would believe them, that it was their fault. They are so afraid that you will be mad at THEM. If they see your anger, it could scare them from sharing again.

2. Don't Ask Queastions, Just Listen:-Often you will be fostering a child and there will be an ongoing abuse investigation taking place. All you can do is listen and report what they say to DCF. If you ask questions or talk too much, you might guide a child (especially a younger child) into saying something they don't mean, or into giving you the answer they think you want to hear. Even innocent questions might lead them to say something that could hamper an investigation. Listen. Report. That is all you can do.

3. Tell Them It's Not Their Fault- No one has probably ever told them that what happened wasn't their fault. Abusers blame their victims. They tell their victims that they were bad, that this is how it is supposed to be, that the victim WANTED it to happen. Often family members will call them liars, or tell them to keep it a secret and then feel like they ALLOWED the abuse to continue. Tell them over and over "it's not your fault."

4. Stay Calm- Can't oversell this. Don't tell them that you are angry. Tell them you are sorry. Tell them that what happened to them was wrong, that it never should have happened, that they are safe in your home. Your child will need your comfort and love, not your anger.

5. Thank Them for Telling You- It takes an extraordinary amount of trust for a child to share what is often their darkest secret with you. Sometimes you are the first they have ever told. Often you will be the first "family" to believe them. It is so hard to hear, but you should accept it they way you would accept a gift. You are holding their highest level of trust in your hands. It is precious. Treat it as such.

6. Stay Calm- Last time I promise. I say this so many times because every instinct you have will to be anything but calm. Your instinct will be to protect and to gain justice. Often you can only protect going forward.

7. When They Tell You How They Deal With It, Don't Judge-  I have had a child tell me that they touch themselves at night because they are afraid "_____" will touch them there again. That child asked me if that was bad. My only question was if the child touched themselves in a way that hurt. Once they said no, I told them no. It is their body and they are allowed to touch anywhere they want. They need that.
Older children may act differently. They might cut themselves, be promiscuous, or engage in a variety of actions that we don't want them to. HELP is different than JUDGEMENT. Of course you will prevent them from cutting, of course you don't want them having random sex. But telling them they're bad, that what they are doing is horrible, only reinforces that feeling of guilt. Instead tell them how worthy they are, tell them their body is too precious to hurt. Tell them that you are going to walk the walk to recovery with them. HELP and REDIRECTION are different than JUDGEMENT.


If any of you have experience this, and have any other tips or strategies, please share. We all need all of the help we can get.

In the words of my Husband

My husband decided to write out what it is like, from a  father's perspective, to hear horrible stories of abuse from our kids. It is pretty powerful. 

It started with a nightmare. She was alone with her grandpa... he did things to her...

Have you ever had that moment when you daughter tells you she was raped as a child and it tears your heart out, even though you were expecting it? No? I have. And it was every bit as awful as you can imagine. What were once just sleep terrors, bad enough to make her wet the bed, are now an insight into her world as a child. They aren't dreams, their memories, so powerful that she doesn't know where she is when she wakes up. So powerful that when I look at her, sometimes I forget where and who I am and I wish to cease being a Christian and long to be a vigilante. I want justice for my girl. I want to hurt those who hurt her, but more than that, I want peace for her life and healing for her heart. So, when my warrior’s heart beats fast with anger at her circumstance, I grab ahold of it and lead it in a new direction. Instead of throwing fist, I give hugs. Instead of words of anger, directed at the men who stole her childhood and tried to steal her life, I speak soothing words of love, and acceptance to a hurt child buried deep inside her heart. Instead of boiling rage, I plead with God to give me overflowing love, which he delivers and I pour out into her.

Today I learned what it really means to be a warrior, a man worth calling a man. Every day I battle instinct, and fight the taint of the world and the wicked men who live in it. I fight to find love and healing in the most unloving and broken time in a child's life. I fight for myself, I fight because God called me to fight, I fight for my girls so that through all the crap, the hurt, the pain, the crushing blow that rape delivers to a child's self-esteem, they will have a chance at life. And if fight is all I do in my life, I am ok with that.

And though it all started with a nightmare, alone with her grandpa while he did things to her... I stand with her now, and God stands with us both.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day ...” - Psalms 91:1-16