Don't save my child

So I had this actual experience over the weekend. I have spoken extensively about the need to not be too soft on foster children. Yes they have had it rough, yes you need to modify your discipline plan for some of them, and yes they are currently sad and scared.

That doesn't mean they get to misbehave.

That also doesn't mean that I need you to tell me to go easier on my kid.

That also doesn't mean that my kid needs you to save her.

She is fine.

She is receiving a consequence.

She will get along just fine without you.

She is manipulating you for attention. BACK OFF.

I would go on, but about a year ago I read this article that sums it up way better than I ever could.

http://www.confessionsofaparent.com/dont-save-my-child/

Survival of the Fittest

I have spoken with a lot of seasoned foster moms whose strength and "fitness" astound me. They talk with new foster parents a lot, and lament to me that most of the newbies won't make it.

"They're just not cut out for this" they say, shaking their heads sadly.

Some say it in a matter of fact way, others with a sense of superiority. And still others say it with judgement.

You will find no judgement here. As a foster parent you take a beating. It is kind of like the first fight between Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed. Rocky takes a long and consistent beating. Over and over again he is hit, gets in some good punches, and gets hit some more. In the end, he is bloody, bruised, and without the victory.

Not everyone can take that kind of beating.

I am wondering how many rounds I will last. Will I be fit enough to survive and carry on?

I am ready to adopt.

I am already tired of waiting. I want her to be here. Whoever she is.

My parenting guide

I noticed the other day that I behave with Snow White's therapist the way that parent's of infants behave with their pediatricians.

Every unusual burp, bump, croak or eye blink, new parents are on the  phone asking questions about autism, demanding tests and basically freaking out.

I am the same way. Except instead of burps, bumps, and eye blinks, it scary-ass statements that 6-year-olds shouldn't say like, "I hate myself", or constant lying over NOTHING, or stories of abuse that COULD be true but are just a touch too far fetched.

I call, I ask questions, and demand answers.

I am so blessed in Snow White's therapist, and I thank Heaven that we decided to keep her even though she is an hour away. She loves Snow White, and is constantly available for questions. She has the most soothing voice and calming demeanor, and I joke often that I need to schedule an hour with her.

What I like most is her no-nonsense parenting advice. In her view, it is all about structure, consistency, and understanding when something is a problem, and when something is manipulation. My husband and I are also big believers in structure and consistency. We believe that we you act a certain way there are always consequences, whether they be positive or negative. This doesn't change because you are in foster care. There can be understanding, but there can't be an absence of either consequence.

It is the last part that Snow White's therapist is so pivotal. Snow White is a MASTER manipulator, but she is also a victim of severe trauma. How do I know when she is expressing her feelings of her trauma, or trying to put off bedtime for another 30 minutes?

Seriously... she uses her trauma to stay up a couple of more minutes. She is good.

Thank goodness that I have her therapist. She calms my fears, explains behaviors (which are far too often, manipulations) and double checks my observations in her therapy session. I don't think I could do this without her.

This is what terror feels like

We could lose her on May 18th.
This is my reality.
This is my world.
This is my fear come to life.


Or, the judge could stop the grandparent's attempt to adopt in its tracks and the door could be blown open for us to  keep Snow White permanently.

This is my reality.
This is my world.
This is my  greatest, most secret desire hanging in the balance.


There are so many moving parts in this. Here is what the judge is trying to sift through.

#1. Brother was removed from his former foster home. There was an altercation in the house, and foster dad's dog bit the aggressor. Basically there was an overreaction on the department's and GAL's part and a very stringent safety plan was put in place that would keep the dogs penned up and away from Brother. This over the top safety plan was not followed and Brother was removed. Brother has spoken to the judge twice and begged to be placed back in that home. The judge, I believe, wants to grant his request, but needs more information.

#2. The judge needs to accept/decline the case plan of adoption

#3. Bio Dad has been arrested on several charges and the parents are homeless again.

#4. Maternal grandparents are petitioning  for immediate custody and the approval to adopt both children.

Understandably, the judge was having some difficulty following all of the issues, reasons, and accusations that were being thrown around during this Judical Review. Judical Reviews are not very formal, and people can speak with the permission of the judge, but there are no sworn statements or anything of that sort. The judge stated that these issues were too important to decide in 1/2 an hour and ordered an evidentiary hearing on May 18th to discuss and decide these matters.

I wanted a decision right then, even though I believe that this judge is striving for truth and justice, I wanted him to make all of these awful possibilities go away and send me home victorious.

Instead, I went home as countless of foster parents have countless other times: I went home answerless and  preparing to wait.