Hello Again

It has been almost a year since I have written to you. A year where I experienced just about every joy and heartache that a mother can experience.

I have feared for Mulan’s life, well-being and sanity.

I have feared that the continued waiting will break Snow White.

I have often wondered in awe that my marriage and survived and thrived in this time.

And out of no where, in the deepest of our dark moments, God sent a miracle. A baby of my body. Undeserved and untried for, she came into our lives with all of innocence I wish our other girls still had.

The joy that she has brought has not diminished the trials we have with our two oldest girls, nor does it diminish their victories.

I wonder if her arrival isn’t a little bit like the arrival of the rainbow after 40 days of storms. God’s promise that through all of the pain, suffering and sacrifice we are not forgotten. We are not forsaken. We will thrive.

Like Noah, sometimes I forget the rainbow and become isolated by the weight of what is needed of me. 

 Snow White is 8 and lovely and challenging and sassy and wants to be a teenager so badly she can’t stand it. Her parents appealed the termination and lost. He biological grandparents (the crazy ones ) petitioned the department for adoption. We are waiting on their homestudy almost a year later.

Mulan has been a roller coaster. Her pain is so deep, and her ability to cope so limited that circumstances forced her to move into her own apartment last August.  Every time I think she hits rock bottom or finally learns something,  disaster strikes all over again.

However, through it all she has stayed in school and is scheduled to get her AA in August… something she never truly believed she could accomplish. I can’t wait to celebrate with her when she achieves this goal. Parenting her has been the hardest because so much of her healing is on her. I can’t heal her or help her, and my heart aches because that is all I want to do.

Trusting God in this is so much harder than infertility was. I see what evil did to my precious daughter, and a tiny part of me doubts. I doubt that He can fix it. I doubt that she will let him.

I can’t believe I admitted that. I haven’t before.

Of course I write all  of this because Mother’s Day weekend is here. I don’t think I will ever be completely comfortable with Mother’s Day. Last Mother’s day was a disaster and the year  before that I felt a complete fraud.

We  will see what this year brings.