I am in a time in my life where I should be my happiest in a long time. We are months away from adopting Snow White, our financial lives are on track, my husband has finally settled on a dream job, and I just received an award from the state for my personal career.
But everything came crashing down this weekend. The architect of our personal avalanch? Mulan.
Perhaps I should have anticipated this. Perhaps I should have anticipated that Snow White's adoption wouldn't cause her simple relief, but fear and jealousy.
Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.
Instead of being surrounded by positives, the world and by worldly life is filling up with negatives. The world is telling me that I am breaking. And worse. That I am suppose to break.
I am watching women around me break. Foster Moms who inspired me, people who I have never met in person (I am a fan of reading foster mom blogs) but helped me through this quagmire of foster care. They are breaking.
I think to myself "they are breaking... it is so going to happen to me. They had faith, theirs failed. Mine will fail too."
However ;).
This weekend I was asked to MC for our church. It was my job to open with a prayer, and in the midst of my horrible time, I was asked to be uplifting.
My first thought was "screw that."
(I lied it was F*&^ that)
But I ended up finding Joshua 10:8
"Do not be afraid of them," the LORD said to Joshua, "for I have given you victory over them. Not a single one of them will be able to stand up to you."
So for three services I prayed victory over our congregation. For three services I prayed victory over our marriages, our kids, our finances, our lives, and our souls.
It sank in.
I will have victory, damnit.
This kid will not beat me.
Her raping son of a bitch grandfather will not beat me.
Her past will not beat me.
The enemy will not beat me.
I refuse to lose this child.
So all of those people can suck it. I will have victory.
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