There are days when you get it right

Usually because you prayed your ass off not to screw it up.

Waiting to Inhale

You don't breathe steadily as a foster parent. At least I don't.

I am not saying I breath in anticipation either. There is no holding your breath and waiting to exhale in relief. Instead it feels like I am breathing the way you breath when in intense pain. Inhale and exhaling through the searing wound.

And those time when you aren't hurting? Crying? Cleaning up the disaster? You are waiting to inhale that next breathe through teeth clenched in pain.


Yes I am being dramatic.

But that is how it feels.


Right now things are steady. Right now everyone is behaving (albeit cranky from lack of sleep and a return to school). However instead of being thankful that the last visit has happened, thankful that Mulan seems to be sticking with her good behavior, thankful that my husband and I had a nice date night just three days ago..... I am waiting to Inhale.

Waiting for the next lash of the whip.

Waiting for it to all fall apart.


The system does this to us. It teaches us that a normal, steady life is next to impossible, that we should always expect the worst, and to never get to comfortable in the NOW.

While not purposeful, this feeling serves a purpose. It is the closest I will ever come to understanding what it must have been like for my babies before they came to me.


I think of Mulan in her home, surround by men who raped her on a regular basis, by women who beat her, and visitors who were indifferent to her. Times of calm must have been very disconcerting. Because they never lasted. They always ended with pain.


It is no wonder then, after almost a year with us, that she is still afraid. That she is still afraid of pain to come. Of abandonment. Of indifference. Of rape. Of a beating.

This understanding is weary, and my art struggles to pump through it. However it helps when I find doodles that she has drawn that say "I am tired of being afraid." This I can understand.


Dear God, I am tired of being afraid. Take my fear. Seriously God, take it away. Leave only faith in You. Faith that you love my babies even more than I do.
Amen.

Victory

I don't think it is an accident that the Father demands faith the most when victory is right around the corner.

I am in a time in my life where I should be my happiest in a long time. We are months away from adopting Snow White, our financial lives are on track, my husband has finally settled on a dream job, and I just received an award from the state for my personal career.


But everything came crashing down this weekend. The architect of our personal avalanch? Mulan.


Perhaps I should have anticipated this. Perhaps I should have anticipated that Snow White's adoption wouldn't cause her simple relief, but fear and jealousy.


Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.


Instead of being surrounded by positives, the world and by worldly life is filling up with negatives. The world is telling me that I am breaking. And worse. That I am suppose to break.


I am watching women around me break. Foster Moms who inspired me, people who I have never met in person (I am a fan of reading foster mom blogs) but helped me through this quagmire of foster care. They are breaking.

I think to myself "they are breaking... it is so going to happen to me. They had faith, theirs failed. Mine will fail too."

However ;).

This weekend I was asked to MC for our church. It was my job to open with a prayer, and in the midst of my horrible time, I was asked to be uplifting.

My first thought was "screw that."

(I lied it was F*&^ that)


But I ended up finding Joshua 10:8

"Do not be afraid of them," the LORD said to Joshua, "for I have given you victory over them. Not a single one of them will be able to stand up to you."



So for three services I prayed victory over our congregation. For three services I prayed victory over our marriages, our kids, our finances, our lives, and our souls. 


It sank in. 


I will have victory, damnit. 


This kid will not beat me.

Her raping son of a bitch grandfather will not beat me. 

Her past will not beat me. 

The enemy will not beat me. 

I refuse to lose this child. 

So all of those people can suck it. I will have victory.