Tonight she told me that she didn't want to have kids when she grows up. She wants to be a foster mom like me.



#thingsthatmeltyourheart

Things I have learned

So it has been so long since I have written, but that does not mean that a ton of things haven't happened. So I think the best way to organize this by listing the lessons I have learned, and the circumstances surrounding the lessons.


1. Don't promise phone calls unless you are ready to supervise phone calls at any time. Snow White will go days and days without wanting to call her mom, and then will want to call them at 6:30 in the morning while I am on the way to work. For me, listening to her phone calls stresses me out, I can't really explain why, but her phone calls with her parents leaves me strung tight.

2. Only Only Only Only listen to what your caseworker and your GAL tell you. Other workers are going to want to give you advice and tell you what is going to happen. Don't listen. Your caseworker and your child's GAL are in charge. They know what is going to happen and when. Two weeks ago Snow White's visit supervisor sent me into a full fledged panic attack. She dropped Snow White off at home and then told me that we would be going to unsupervised visits in a couple of weeks, that I would be expected to transport and deal with the bio parents, and that Snow White would probably be home by Christmas.
    I could barely keep it together. I wanted to throw up. I wasn't ready to hear about her going home, and there was no way that Bio mom and dad are ready for unsupervised visits. It was a horrible weekend...only to discover Monday morning (when our caseworker finally emailed us back) that in no  way were unsupervised visits approved, and that we were months away. The GAL emailed us back and added that her office is far from satisfied with the parent's progress and that they needed  A LOT to happen before they would sign off on unsupervised visits. So my panic attack was for nothing.
Learn from my mistake and ONLY listen to the people who are actually in charge.

3. Don't be surprised when everyone in your agency gives the parents every benefit of the doubt... and you none. Foster Parents are held to a very, very high standard, and bio parents are handled with kid gloves and given every opportunity to get it right. When your visit supervisor or caseworker talk about how amazing the parents actually are, and how the parents are victims as well, etc. nod politely or gently correct something if it is a flat out lie. Your agency is going to be on the side of reunification by default. Sometimes this is exactly the stance they should take, sometimes it will keep you up at night.

4. Talk with your child's principal and teachers. The school MUST be kept in the loop. They need to know what is going on and what behaviors to look out for. Also, school seems to come second to the parent's right to their visits. The GAL, along with hubby and me but we don't really count, is currently in a bit of a battle because Snow White is missing  part of school every Thursday so that she can go on her visit.
This is infuriating because Snow White is already behind and now she is being singled out as the kid who is getting constantly checked out. We have complained and complained, but the only response we get is that this is the only time that the parent's schedule and the agency's schedule align. What about Snow White? What about her needs and her schedule?
No one seems to care besides her GAL.

5. Unconditional love works. Snow White has flourished in our home. Her counselor was overjoyed after their session yesterday. She went on and on about the improvement has seen, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel for Snow White. Hubby and I aren't doing anything special, we are just loving her as though she was our own. And for us... she IS ours. We are doing our best to give her as normal a life a possible: this includes family movie nights, family dinners, time outs, consequences, game time, bike riding, and lectures on sharing. We mess up everyday, and sometimes we go days before we get it right... but the love is there. And it is working.

a little

I feel like I should start this blog as if I were beginning confession......"It has been 13 days since my last blog" and things have been insane. I am working on a longer post, but I paused in the middle of making dinner to share this.



The last time my husband helped someone with their homework was 10 years ago. I was a senior in high school and my sister was in middle school. He sat at the dinner table and helped her with her math homework. As I watched, I pictured him helping our future daughter and imagined how patient he would be with her.

Today I get to watch that happen. While she isn't the daughter I imagined, and these are the circumstances in which I imagined having a child..... that vision has come true.


Today was a good day in the land of foster care.

Sharing

I am starting to dread visit days because I hate to share her.

Sometimes it is hard to not be first in her heart when she is tied for first in mine (she shares the spot with my amazing husband).


Foster care isn't easy.

Court

Without giving away confidential information, I want  to talk about the court process as well as update you on what is going on with Snow White.


First of all, court is a lot of waiting. There was a 9 AM docket, and there were 7 cases on the docket: you wait until you are called.

Second of all, dependency court might be the most depressing place I have ever been. There were kids in all stages of foster care, including two teenagers who were about to begin the adoption process. For them, it will be a long process.

Third of all, it is you and the parents in one giant waiting room. Talk about uncomfortable.


Most court dates seem to be a Judicial Review of the case. The caseworker submits their evaluation of the caseplan, and the court will either approve or disapprove. This one took about 5 seconds, and then Bio Mom began her petition for reunification. This was a little more like what you see in Law and Order. Bio Mom was questioned by her lawyer and was cross examined by the agency's lawyer. The agency (since it was opposed to reunification) called its own witnesses and they were cross examined by mom's lawyer. There were still objections, and pieces of evidence submitted, but it was far more casual than in a criminal case and the burden of proof is way less.

The judge, with-in about 1.5 seconds after closing arguments ended, denied the petition, but agreed that Snow White's parents have started down a positive path and is willing the see them again in September.

OUr judge also asked to hear from us foster parents, which is unusual because we have no legal standing whatsoever. This made me feel really positive about him because I feel that this shows that he wants to whole picture so that he can make the right decision.

So I stood up from my seat in the audience (?) and told them how Snow White was doing and addressed some concerns raised by the mother and her lawyer.

Now about Snow White:

SHe was not at court. She had the right to be but due to what we were talking about, we  thought it would be too emotional for her. Her brother was there, and requested to speak to the judge in private, which he did. He was then asked to leave due to what was being discussed.

Mom and Dad were not happy that I didn't bring Snow WHite. I actually had a conversation with mom on the phone on Saturday, and she talked a big game about wanting to meet me and how she wanted me to always be a part of her daughter's life.

She no longer feels that way.

It wasn't enough that I didn't bring Snow White, but when the judge asked for my report, I basically refuted everything the mother had been saying.

She was pissed.

I didn't refute her for the sake of doing it, but she was trying to claim that Snow White was lying about her abuse and that her medical needs were not being met. I explained what happened at each doctor's visit, what their report was, and then (I had to) added that Snow White has talked about her abuse and I see no reason to doubt her.


So basically it was a lot of talking, a lot of driving, a lot of drama, and a lot of glares so that everything could stay the same.



One piece of advice: take your caseworker to lunch. We took ours to lunch and it went very well. Not only did we get a lot of information and a read on him, but it allowed him to get a read on us. I think that we made a good impression and I really believe that because of the positive meeting, any concerns that we have will be listened to with respect.


Just a suggestion :).

All is well

Court was dramatic today.... but everything basically stayed the same. We had lunch with the case worker, and I think that we made a good impression.

In the middle of dinner but will write more late. BUt right now Snow White is safe in our home.