"He will never leave you, nor forsake you"

I started a blog with this title last week. Forgot about it.

Saw it this morning.

Needed to see this. God is good.

I don't remember having ever been this terrified.

There are lots of words for what happens to people who have experienced extreme trauma.  

Detachment

possession

"dead" eyes

feral 

All refer to that moment when the world gets too much for these people and they "click off". They go away and let another, stronger, angrier, survivalist part of themselves take over. The light goes out.... and something else comes on. 

I have seen it in a young child named Ella*. She was 5 and her entire personality was a result of her abuse. Things would get too loud, too "good" too "hard" and she would click off. 

It is pitiful when you see it happen to a young child like that. 

It is downright terrifying in a teen/adult. 

I saw her change yesterday. Was taking her cell phone as a consequence, and my daughter wasn't there. Her eyes were dead. All that was left was her anger and rage. I have no idea how I weathered that storm.... until suddenly she stopped struggling against my hold (was holding her in my lap like a baby.... partly to restrain her, but partly in that "comfort position") and all of a sudden her breathing picks up... she has a panic attack, and starts screaming crying. 

The day  was long. During it we talked and prayed. She read a book that talked about the "unloving spirit" that a person can have. She understood that it is a part of her and wants it gone. 

But this morning her eyes went dead again. I didn't know if she would come back. I was at work, she was at home, flinging accusations and arguments across email like poisoned darts. My logic didn't stop her. She was in a full rage, about to tear apart the house to find her phone... to leave and never come back. 

Then I prayed. Sent her in email form what I prayed. And she stopped short. 

This is what I said. 

Heavenly Father, 

We are at a place where I truly don't know what to do. My daughter is under attack. This book called it an "unloving spirit". Father it is taking Mary over and I don't know what to do. God send it away. Defeat it. Send it to its knees. Tell it that is has NO POWER here. Because MY DAUGHTER is YOUR DAUGTHER. And MY DAUGHTER  is precious and loved and wonderful. MY DAUGHTER has been saved and this "spirit" IS NOT WELCOME. IT CAN'T HAVE HER.

God save us. We need a miracle. Save my daughter. Save Mary. I love her so much...... 

Amen. 

I don't know where the words came from....but they were there and then she was reading them. From there she fought. She fought and fought.... for a terrifying 10 minutes I thought she had lost. My husband ran home from work..... walked her the rest of the way through. 

And won the morning. 

I should feel relieved. But it isn't time to feel that yet. We are simply sleeping in between battles. 

It never ends

Snow White's grandparent's visits didn't get cut off with TPR. After saying goodbye, they are now demanding visits again. With no consideration for Snow White's feelings.

I spent an hour cleaning and reciting what I would say to the judge if/when we have a hearing about this.

Then the new, popular saying come to mind: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

This is God's circus, and they are God's monkeys.

I am going to let Him handle it.


What a feeling of freedom :).