They Are Never Going To Change

I read other Foster Blogs or talk to other Foster Parents, and they talk about loving the bio families, and their "mission" to put families back together.

I am beginning to feel guilty that it isn't like that for me (yet). With Ariel, we never met her mother, though I do hope and pray that she can turn away from abusive men and be the mother that her kids deserve. However, engaging her was never something that I felt moved to do.

Then there is Snow White's family. And I will be honest as you will judge me from your homes instead of in front of me. I WANT them to screw up. I am so convinced that they will never change, that I almost worry that they will get better. How crazy is that?

For example: right now it is about a doll. Two weeks ago, they promised Snow White this expensive doll that she wants. She has seen them 4 times since then and each time they promise her that she will get it on the "next visit."

This is what they do. They make these outlandish promises to make their kids happy with them and then never follow through.

Here is the awful part though. I hope they don't follow through. I hope tomorrow comes and she doesn't get that doll. #1 Because it will prove that I am right and they are incapable of change and #2 Hubby and I will go and get her the damn doll.

I can lace this situation up in all sorts of pretty ways. I can phrase my feeling like "All I want is for Snow White is for her to be in a safe home" or "Snow White needs to be a priority before she goes home" or "Mom and Dad have a lot to prove before they get my vote" or even "based on their history, I am more than skeptical."

But when it comes down to it I am rooting for a family to fall apart.

Why? Because I know inside that it is Snow White's only chance. Her only chance to live a happy life. Her only chance for success. The only way she will overcome her tragic beginning.

Doesn't change the fact that I am rooting for failure.

Friends of Drug Addicts

It may come as a surprise, but hard core, unrepentant drug addicts have questionable friends.

Snow White's parents are no different. As I explained in my last post, Snow White would get to her unsupervised visit by having Dina, her parents' BFF, meet us at a park and drive Snow White to them.

This lasted one night.

Upon meeting Dina it became clear that something was off. She either has serious mental health issues or has used drugs to the point where it has caused her brain to malfunction. Know this, I am not attempting to be insensitive or mean. Dina might be a lovely person who would do her absolute best for Snow White.... but some people have handicaps, and she is one of them. Watching her drive away with Snow White was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

Snow White came back safely (albeit tense), and  hours later Dina tried to kill herself and was forced into a mental health facility for observation for 3 days.

Read that sentence again.


It really happened.


HOURS after driving my baby around THE AGENCY APPROVED DRIVER tried to kill herself. Proving once again that we are the only ones who are putting Snow White's safety first.

Dina was thankfully pulled off of the case and will no longer transport. Bio mom and dad are furious and even petitioned for her to be reinstated as their driver in court. Our new judge (thanks again for him God) is no one's fool and emphatically denied their petition.

It seems that they are having trouble finding someone who is willing to drive Snow White once a week, who has a valid driver's license, and who has a clean record.

That might be the saddest thing. That they literally have no one in their lives who meets those most basic requirements.

Of course the real saddest thing is that if Snow White goes back with them she will have no one in her life who meets those basic requirements either.

Morons

I am convinced that 90% of caseworkers are morons.

Five days after Ariel went to her new home, I had to attend a meeting with all the parties involved in Snow White's case. It was 2 hours of bull crap with sprinkles of me getting screamed at by bio mom. Then the agency approved unsupervised visitation. Again.

The caseworker was really pushing to do something called a transition plan. Basically this plan lays out the timeline for removal from the foster home and into the bio home. The GAL had to constantly remind the caseworker that they were not willing to do that at this time and were only here to talk about unsupervised visitation (and they only did that because they felt like they were getting pressure from the judge). So we talked. And talked. And then Bio Mom talked. And then she talked some more.

The whole point of me and everyone else being there was so that we could all discuss concerns and figure out a way to address those concerns. I was able to discuss how I was concerned about her medical well being as well as her reluctance to discuss anything with her mother for fear of yelled at.

While these concerns never were addressed they did get me yelled at by the bio mom and bio grandma.


The end result was that Snow White would be meeting her parents every Monday at a park near our house. We would drop her off with a 3rd party transport (Dina) and Dina would drive her to her parents where they would spend a couple of hours together.

This meeting is partially responsible for my high blood pressure, cost me a day of work and $30 in gas, but as a result we got a plan that we all agreed upon.

It lasted 9 days.

It is survivable

I survived letting her go.  Not because I am tough, not because I found some inner well of strength, it is because she is with good people who will love her and protect her.

It is not like that most of the time, as I understand it. But in this I was blessed. Plus I am confident that I will see her again.

I have so much to tell all of you, and it will probably take several posts.... and I am sorry for taking so long to be able to write all of this down. But it has been hard.... and I tend to be over dramatic so I can't imagine what pitiful, high school literary journal quality, stuff I would have written!

I almost hate to admit this, but I am glad it is just us and Snow White. Her case gets crazier by the day and I don't remember what it feels like to be unafraid or unstressed (see I am still being pitiful).

Anyways I pinkie-promise to get this website updated over the next several days!

She will

She will be safe.

She will be loved.

She will be with her brother and sisters.

She will be happy :).



Despite the selfishness and incompetence of her caseworker, God was able to use her to put our Ariel in the best place for her.

The Final Goodbye. For Real.

Ariel is leaving tomorrow.

That's right. The past twenty hours have been insane.

We found out at 1 o'clock yesterday that she was being checked out of school to go meet her new foster parents along with her siblings. I had to call her while she was en route to explain what was happening so she wouldn't freak out when she got there.

While Ariel and Snow White were at the visits, I was able to get everything we needed for her move (rubbermaid boxes for all of her stuff and a photo album). Then at about 5 I get an email telling me that she has lice. Again.

She came with lice, and she leaves with lice. Usually I like symmetry in stories but this put me over the edge. So the night changed into a flurry of throwing bows into the trash, spraying a dangerous level of poison all over my house and slowly running everything through the washing machine. Let me tell you. trying to keep up with her emotional see-sawing while running a lice comb through her hair is not something I want to try again.


As for her move, she goes back and forth from being very happy to bawling about how much she is going to miss us. She adores her new foster mom, but I think is nervous about her new foster dad.

In all honesty, I think leaving my husband, the first true father she has ever known, will be the hardest for her. He has filled a need that she has had for so long, and I just pray that this new foster dad can do as good of a job as hubby has done. There is no doubt though, that she will miss him the most.


We are all writing her letters, and creating a "life-book" for her to take with her. Basically a photo album of her time here and all of the adventures, and  the people who came into her path. We are also having a brunch Saturday morning so my family can bring their letters and say goodbye.

I hope that turns out to be a good idea.


Personally I am numb with exhaustion. Last night ended very late, and this morning began very early (thanks again lice). I have a feeling the numbness will carry me through tomorrow, but Sunday is going to be a bad day.


Her leaving means my house will be cleaner, my car will smell better. There will be no trails of sand that lead to her shoe pile in her closet.

There will be no new permanent marker notations recording her height on my door frames, and grocery trips won't result in me needing a glass of wine.


But my house will be to quiet. Conversations will be too serious and my trees will be lonely for her climbing them. At night I will say one prayer instead of two, and only get a handful of good night hugs instead of 15.

There will be a void in my heart, and I don't know how much time I will need before I let another precious soul fill that space.

Wish I had something nice to say

Ariel's transition has been a disaster.


We never should have been told that she was moving in December

She is still with us, which is nice for me, but has created emotional problems for her.


Her caseworker is full of excuses and blame for others.


To sum up, here is an edited copy of the email that my husband sent out today. It is responding to her email that suggested that our expectations, and the new home was to blame.... but that she held no responsibility. The quoted sentences are her words in various email to us.

Leslie,

I believe you are misinterpreting the source of our frustration. As foster parents, we realize that transitioning a child from one placement to another is both tricky for the agency and emotionally difficult on the child. Her crying, questioning and anxious behavior is in no way a surprise to us and was expected once we learned her placement would be moved.

Unfortunately, however, we are not the ones that have to deal with the consequences of poor decisions; that burden falls on Ariel. While Ariel living with her siblings is probably the best thing for her in the long run,  “Most of the time we don’t get this much notice” and “Our agency is not licensing this home” are not acceptable excuses for putting any child, and especially one in Ariel’s position, through more uncertainty and emotional turmoil than necessary. Without concrete knowledge of when a transition will occur, suggesting that we “let her know now to get her prepared to transition from your home and into the home with her” is damaging advice. In addition, giving a time line that the transition has no exact date but “will definitely be toward the end of the month,” without being certain of that information, is thoughtless at best.

This is the source of our frustration and I suggest that, in the future, extra time be taken to ensure a smooth transition for the child. It would have been much better for Ariel had we not tried to rush her transition and instead allowed ample time for a smooth transition to occur. She certainly didn’t need to know she was moving “toward the end of the month” if we didn’t know for sure that was true. Ariel is too young to advocate for herself, so I will say this for her: She deserves a much better effort than what she's been given so far.

As for communication about the transition, we have already been in contact with the HER NEW HOME multiple times to determine an appropriate course of action. Since you cannot “give any information regarding the issues or set backs,” a quick phone call to HER NEW HOME revealed that they were having a problem with the fire inspector repeatedly failing the fire inspection. They believe the issue was not code related but that the inspector was being petty. The cost of fixing the issue in the way the inspector wanted was very high so they were trying to work out a compromise and get the problem corrected in a more economical way. In addition, the HER NEW HOME stated that they had hoped the transition would happen sooner and were surprised that the agency suggested we let Ariel know about the transition without a firm plan in place.

The issue with the fire inspection seems to have been cleared up, however, and the home, as I understand it, is now licensed. Please let placement know that we would like enough time to have Ariel meet her new foster parents, pick out a room, etc… before we do the official move. A week should be enough time. We will continue to work with the HER NEW HOME to transition Ariel in the best way possible.