Hello Again

It has been almost a year since I have written to you. A year where I experienced just about every joy and heartache that a mother can experience.

I have feared for Mulan’s life, well-being and sanity.

I have feared that the continued waiting will break Snow White.

I have often wondered in awe that my marriage and survived and thrived in this time.

And out of no where, in the deepest of our dark moments, God sent a miracle. A baby of my body. Undeserved and untried for, she came into our lives with all of innocence I wish our other girls still had.

The joy that she has brought has not diminished the trials we have with our two oldest girls, nor does it diminish their victories.

I wonder if her arrival isn’t a little bit like the arrival of the rainbow after 40 days of storms. God’s promise that through all of the pain, suffering and sacrifice we are not forgotten. We are not forsaken. We will thrive.

Like Noah, sometimes I forget the rainbow and become isolated by the weight of what is needed of me. 

 Snow White is 8 and lovely and challenging and sassy and wants to be a teenager so badly she can’t stand it. Her parents appealed the termination and lost. He biological grandparents (the crazy ones ) petitioned the department for adoption. We are waiting on their homestudy almost a year later.

Mulan has been a roller coaster. Her pain is so deep, and her ability to cope so limited that circumstances forced her to move into her own apartment last August.  Every time I think she hits rock bottom or finally learns something,  disaster strikes all over again.

However, through it all she has stayed in school and is scheduled to get her AA in August… something she never truly believed she could accomplish. I can’t wait to celebrate with her when she achieves this goal. Parenting her has been the hardest because so much of her healing is on her. I can’t heal her or help her, and my heart aches because that is all I want to do.

Trusting God in this is so much harder than infertility was. I see what evil did to my precious daughter, and a tiny part of me doubts. I doubt that He can fix it. I doubt that she will let him.

I can’t believe I admitted that. I haven’t before.

Of course I write all  of this because Mother’s Day weekend is here. I don’t think I will ever be completely comfortable with Mother’s Day. Last Mother’s day was a disaster and the year  before that I felt a complete fraud.

We  will see what this year brings. 

Sometimes

Sometimes things are too bad to put into writing.

Sometimes you are waiting for the miracle to happen so you can talk about the miracle and not the problem.


Sometimes there is nothing positive to say.


The miracle hasn't come (yet...... have to force myself to type that.....yet).


The problem is still there.


Sometimes the Enemy is strong.


Sometimes you wonder if he will be get to steal, kill and destroy everything you have done.


Sometimes hope is beyond you.

Pray for us dear friends. We won't survive with out it.

"He will never leave you, nor forsake you"

I started a blog with this title last week. Forgot about it.

Saw it this morning.

Needed to see this. God is good.

I don't remember having ever been this terrified.

There are lots of words for what happens to people who have experienced extreme trauma.  

Detachment

possession

"dead" eyes

feral 

All refer to that moment when the world gets too much for these people and they "click off". They go away and let another, stronger, angrier, survivalist part of themselves take over. The light goes out.... and something else comes on. 

I have seen it in a young child named Ella*. She was 5 and her entire personality was a result of her abuse. Things would get too loud, too "good" too "hard" and she would click off. 

It is pitiful when you see it happen to a young child like that. 

It is downright terrifying in a teen/adult. 

I saw her change yesterday. Was taking her cell phone as a consequence, and my daughter wasn't there. Her eyes were dead. All that was left was her anger and rage. I have no idea how I weathered that storm.... until suddenly she stopped struggling against my hold (was holding her in my lap like a baby.... partly to restrain her, but partly in that "comfort position") and all of a sudden her breathing picks up... she has a panic attack, and starts screaming crying. 

The day  was long. During it we talked and prayed. She read a book that talked about the "unloving spirit" that a person can have. She understood that it is a part of her and wants it gone. 

But this morning her eyes went dead again. I didn't know if she would come back. I was at work, she was at home, flinging accusations and arguments across email like poisoned darts. My logic didn't stop her. She was in a full rage, about to tear apart the house to find her phone... to leave and never come back. 

Then I prayed. Sent her in email form what I prayed. And she stopped short. 

This is what I said. 

Heavenly Father, 

We are at a place where I truly don't know what to do. My daughter is under attack. This book called it an "unloving spirit". Father it is taking Mary over and I don't know what to do. God send it away. Defeat it. Send it to its knees. Tell it that is has NO POWER here. Because MY DAUGHTER is YOUR DAUGTHER. And MY DAUGHTER  is precious and loved and wonderful. MY DAUGHTER has been saved and this "spirit" IS NOT WELCOME. IT CAN'T HAVE HER.

God save us. We need a miracle. Save my daughter. Save Mary. I love her so much...... 

Amen. 

I don't know where the words came from....but they were there and then she was reading them. From there she fought. She fought and fought.... for a terrifying 10 minutes I thought she had lost. My husband ran home from work..... walked her the rest of the way through. 

And won the morning. 

I should feel relieved. But it isn't time to feel that yet. We are simply sleeping in between battles. 

It never ends

Snow White's grandparent's visits didn't get cut off with TPR. After saying goodbye, they are now demanding visits again. With no consideration for Snow White's feelings.

I spent an hour cleaning and reciting what I would say to the judge if/when we have a hearing about this.

Then the new, popular saying come to mind: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

This is God's circus, and they are God's monkeys.

I am going to let Him handle it.


What a feeling of freedom :).

There are days when you get it right

Usually because you prayed your ass off not to screw it up.

Waiting to Inhale

You don't breathe steadily as a foster parent. At least I don't.

I am not saying I breath in anticipation either. There is no holding your breath and waiting to exhale in relief. Instead it feels like I am breathing the way you breath when in intense pain. Inhale and exhaling through the searing wound.

And those time when you aren't hurting? Crying? Cleaning up the disaster? You are waiting to inhale that next breathe through teeth clenched in pain.


Yes I am being dramatic.

But that is how it feels.


Right now things are steady. Right now everyone is behaving (albeit cranky from lack of sleep and a return to school). However instead of being thankful that the last visit has happened, thankful that Mulan seems to be sticking with her good behavior, thankful that my husband and I had a nice date night just three days ago..... I am waiting to Inhale.

Waiting for the next lash of the whip.

Waiting for it to all fall apart.


The system does this to us. It teaches us that a normal, steady life is next to impossible, that we should always expect the worst, and to never get to comfortable in the NOW.

While not purposeful, this feeling serves a purpose. It is the closest I will ever come to understanding what it must have been like for my babies before they came to me.


I think of Mulan in her home, surround by men who raped her on a regular basis, by women who beat her, and visitors who were indifferent to her. Times of calm must have been very disconcerting. Because they never lasted. They always ended with pain.


It is no wonder then, after almost a year with us, that she is still afraid. That she is still afraid of pain to come. Of abandonment. Of indifference. Of rape. Of a beating.

This understanding is weary, and my art struggles to pump through it. However it helps when I find doodles that she has drawn that say "I am tired of being afraid." This I can understand.


Dear God, I am tired of being afraid. Take my fear. Seriously God, take it away. Leave only faith in You. Faith that you love my babies even more than I do.
Amen.

Victory

I don't think it is an accident that the Father demands faith the most when victory is right around the corner.

I am in a time in my life where I should be my happiest in a long time. We are months away from adopting Snow White, our financial lives are on track, my husband has finally settled on a dream job, and I just received an award from the state for my personal career.


But everything came crashing down this weekend. The architect of our personal avalanch? Mulan.


Perhaps I should have anticipated this. Perhaps I should have anticipated that Snow White's adoption wouldn't cause her simple relief, but fear and jealousy.


Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.


Instead of being surrounded by positives, the world and by worldly life is filling up with negatives. The world is telling me that I am breaking. And worse. That I am suppose to break.


I am watching women around me break. Foster Moms who inspired me, people who I have never met in person (I am a fan of reading foster mom blogs) but helped me through this quagmire of foster care. They are breaking.

I think to myself "they are breaking... it is so going to happen to me. They had faith, theirs failed. Mine will fail too."

However ;).

This weekend I was asked to MC for our church. It was my job to open with a prayer, and in the midst of my horrible time, I was asked to be uplifting.

My first thought was "screw that."

(I lied it was F*&^ that)


But I ended up finding Joshua 10:8

"Do not be afraid of them," the LORD said to Joshua, "for I have given you victory over them. Not a single one of them will be able to stand up to you."



So for three services I prayed victory over our congregation. For three services I prayed victory over our marriages, our kids, our finances, our lives, and our souls. 


It sank in. 


I will have victory, damnit. 


This kid will not beat me.

Her raping son of a bitch grandfather will not beat me. 

Her past will not beat me. 

The enemy will not beat me. 

I refuse to lose this child. 

So all of those people can suck it. I will have victory.

What Love Does

Jealousy tears apart, while love brings together.

Absolute truth: I have been jealous of Snow White's first foster mom. Snow White still loves her so much, and hated to leave her home.

It is hard not being a child's one and only mommy. It is something I never thought I would have to deal with, and sometimes I don't come out on top.


However, props to me, Monday night I did.

I called Snow White's first foster mom and told her the good news. See the thing about her is that she was selfless. She loved Snow White enough to give her up (see my first post on Snow White for the details) and gave her to me.

Nothing she has ever done or said has been with any other motivation than doing what is best for our little girl.

So I called her. And we cried. We told each other how much we loved one another, how grateful we were to have one another. They saved Snow White's life. If she had been anywhere else when she came into care (we weren't licensed yet) Snow White wouldn't have been with us and probably would have returned home.

They saved her, and we will keep her safe.

I got to share this beautiful moment with this mother that God chose for our girl. On the phone, as our tears pored down, there was this connection that I haven't ever felt with anyone. A co-mommyhood if you will.

Sometimes it is hard to acknowledge the other adults in our foster kids' lives.

This time it wasn't hard at all.

Monday, February 22 8:36 PM

We got the call.

TPR was granted.

They can never hurt Snow White again.

The poison apple has been eradicated.

The good guys won.

Glory be to God.

TPR

First of all, I didn't have to testify. That was a God thing as it allowed me to sit inside the courtroom and watch the witnesses etc.


How do I organize and summarize the crazy that followed?


Ok, so I think that the best thing to do is to take it person by person.



Bio Grandma: At the beginning of the trial, all non-participants were asked to leave the courtroom. Since Grandparents only have legal rights to visit with the children, Snow White's grandma and Grandpa were asked to leave. This may seem cruel.... but they would have caused so many disruptions. Case in Point- upon being asked to leave Grandma stood up, chocking back the tears she always has ready to go, and told that judge that she would like to represent herself in this case and wanted the opportunity to cross examine witnesses.
Let that sink in.
She isn't a lawyer and she has no legal standing, but came with a notebook full of questions for witnesses and was planning on being allowed to ask her questions.

Snow White's Caseworker: Snow White's caseworker of over a year left in the beginning of January. The circumstances were never fully explained... and the result is that this person wasn't available to testify. The result was that the office supervisor, someone who seemed very well versed in legalise, testified. Honestly I think she did really well and was able to speak personally of several incidents with Bio Family including the continuing drug use. She was able to speak directly to angry outbursts by the bio mother and testify to 2 positive drug tests in the pas 6 weeks.

GAL-  Our GAL was amazing. She basically testified for us, stating the Snow White is in a wonderful home, that she wants to live with us, and how Snow White Wrote to the judge asking to let her be adopted by us. She spoke long and passiatly about her opinion that the children need to be adopted and under no circumstances go back to bio family. The strangest part was the the bio parents' lawyers did not ask her one question.

The Video- Remember October of 2014? When I told you that the parents got caught on camera? (refer to http://fosteringtoforever.blogspot.com/2014/10/part-1-of-2.html ). Basically the video showed the parents acting in a bizarre, high, and creepily sexualized way while in the waiting room of the therapist's office WHILE THEIR SON WAS RECEIVING THERAPY FOR ABUSING HIS SISTER!
We had to watch it.
It wasn't fun.
It was gross.
I don't recommend it to anyone.


Bio Mom-  (Disclaimer: I don't like this woman.... many foster bloggers are fair and balanced about bio families. I am not. They hurt my child. All Fairness is gone). Bio Mom took the stand twice, once as a witness for the state, and once in her own defense.

She was constantly disruptive during the hearing. THe more people discussed her penchant for outbursts and craziness, the more crazy she became. She had to excuse herself during most of the GAL's testimony because she couldn't handle what the GAL was saying.

 Listening to her speak hurts. Mostly because everything that comes out of her mouth is toxic and a lie. Here are a list of a few of her inconsistencies:

I don't remember any of 2015 because I was high  because I missed my children.
I remember repeatedly calling my caseworker and never getting a response.

I haven't worked since 2009 due to anxiety.
My credit has been approved for a trailer and it will be here in 2 weeks.

I realized I was a horrible person 4 weeks ago and haven't done drugs since.
I realized this while my drug dealer was in my house.

I haven't seen my child since August.
I know my child and I know how badly she wants to come home.

Snow White doesn't need to stay with those people.
I am grateful to _______ and _______ for everything they have done.

She Told on herself over and over again. Freely admitting to drug use, admitting to being an addict since 2004. Admitting to unstable moods etc.

But y'all she was good. She is such a good liar, and can really sell what she is saying. She is smart. She is devious. She scares me.


Bio Dad- I have seen bio dad high before, but whatever he was on trial day was different. He is usually the one who is smoothing things over. The mellow one. During the trial he was anything but. He basically screamed at our lawyer, said that he had permanent memory damage due to consistent meth use, and told DCF that it was their fault because how would we react if our child had been taken away.

He excused himself from getting on the stand in his own defense.


The Judge- Y'all he is a wild card. For the record I respect him a lot. The law is held above all else. He is a true southern gentleman and pays everyone respect until they begin to disrespect others. He is consistently fair, and reacts strongly when it comes to the welfare of the children. He has exasperated me many times, because he is so methodical and takes so long to make a decision. The evidence seems to be overwhelming in this case. Parents have had two years and freely admitted to spend the extra year they had high on Meth. They are asking for a 6 month extension.... though 3 witnesses testified that it would be at least 6 months before they could be drug free, much less begin working on the rest of the case plan.


Us- We Sat. We Listened. We Prayed. I fidgeted. Hubby was a rock.

It is all on the judge now.

Today I was overwhelmed with the need to pray for him. To pray that while he is reading and re-reading the court documents that he will see the truth. That he will discern fact from fiction, and that he will receive wisdom beyond understanding.

Pray with me friends.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will tell you all about the trial. I promise.

Would have been a really good episode of Judging Amy or something.

Sorry

Wow it's been a while.

Sorry about that.

Life happens and you get caught up. But enough of my excuses.


Things are both wonderful and on the border of crumbling. Since I last wrote, we had an amazing Christmas. This Christmas was without hurtful biological families and drama. I watched as Mulan learned to accept gifts as well as give them. Watching her excitement at having the money to buy gifts, watching her thoughtfulness, and observing her delight when someone loved the gift she picked for them were my favorite parts of Christmas.

Since then Mulan has both improved and regressed to varying degrees in several different ways. She continues to struggle with her need for Male romantic approval, repressed memories emerging and her connection with us. There are so many things that I never anticipated... and coming this late into a child's life is HARD.

It has been so important to understand and define our expectations for improvement and to define what a "victory" is.

But to sum up her progress..... I guess it was Sunday when a member of our church who has been kind of a mentor to Mulan came up to me and told me how impressed she was with how much Mulan has matured. She was surprised, even confused that a person could grow that much that fast.

It's true. Mulan was physically 18, but in so many ways was 12, 15, 16, and 7 all at once. It is good for someone on the outside to recognize and confirm her personal growth.


Snow White's TPR trial has come and gone and we still don't have an answer. She is no longer visiting with her biological parents as they can't provide clean UA's which are now required to see her.

She has come full circle in her desire to be adopted, and is constantly asking when the "stupid judge" will make up his "stupid mind" about her being adopted. She wants us to be her future and doesn't want to ever leave. She struggles, but she has made up her mind which has given her a little bit of peace.


Our biggest struggle right now is school. Some days Snow White is all about school, finding it a great distraction and does very well. Other times she could care less, having been up the night before crying about the unfairness of her life, and the fact that those she does still love will be taken away from her.

Those days homework etc. doesn't get done...and frankly I don't care.

Teachers, even after having the situation explained to them (and I am a teacher) don't seem to get it. The lack of understanding from others is frustrating.


Y'all this is hard. Possibly the hardest season yet. I am constantly in fear that my teenager with the impulse control of a 14-year-old (it used to be a 12-year-old.... I have to remember that) will do something stupid and life changing and ruin her goals and dreams.

I am constantly afraid that today I will have to hear another rape story (am currently on day 4 with no new one and yes they happen that often).

I constantly and consistently ignore my fear that our judge will somehow find legal reasoning to give Snow White's bio parents the 6 month extension that are asking for.

But I am keeping it together. With Jesus, my amazing husband, foster friends, and a little wine, I am keeping it together.


But honestly it is the knowledge that in everything God has been victorious. He won't let failure take us.

Hope

These past 3 weeks have been particularly emotional. There have been so many set backs and victories, lessons and failures, and tears and smiles.

Mulan continues to grow everyday. The lessons are what breaks my heart. Having to teach a child not to give a boy what has hit you a second chance leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

But watching her shop for Christmas..... what an amazing experience. For the first time in her life, she is safe enough, secure enough, and confident enough, to have something to GIVE.  She is filled with a spirit of giving and is more excited about giving this season that getting.

While these victories sustain me, sometimes it is only barely enough. Sometimes I long for normal. I long for a child that hasn't experience trauma, who loves me in an uncomplicated way.

And I selfishly wonder, "Why me?"




There are a thousand cliches that tell us that what we are going through will produce great rewards.

"No Pain No Gain"
"Forged Through Fire"
"Baptized in Flames"
"A Problem is a Chance To Do Your Best"


Barf right?


Sometimes you just want the easy thing. The pregnancy, the delivery, the uncomplicated, unhesitant joy of extended family members.



Then God speaks. And I know that it is time to end my pity party and move forward.

Did you know that Kid President was a foster kid?

(copy and paste)

https://www.guideposts.org/comfort-hope/kid-presidents-path-to-awesome 

3 months

This morning Snow White's TPR trial was a mere 5 weeks away.

This afternoon it is 13 weeks away.

I hate everything.

#itsnevertoolate

Everyone call me "Mommy" because on Wednesday, October 7th I officially became a Mama, and Mulan, after 5,330 days in foster care, became a member of a family.

She didn't think it would happen.


The testing doubt, and fear that Mulan went through (and put us through) the weeks leading up to the adoption were almost overwhelming.

She spent the 13 days leading up to the adoption not celebrating, but certain that it wouldn't happen, and that I would leave her.


You see, I had always be certain that my husband would have the most to overcome when it came to gaining our kids' trust. It is, after all, almost always the father figure who perpetuates the abuse. Mulan is no different. Her abuse came primarily from men. But it was the women in her life who abandoned her.

Her biological mother sold her. Repeatedly.

Her would be adoptive mother kicked her out of the house and she lived in the woods for days.

So it was me that she was the most afraid of (if you have never been the object of your child's nightmares you might not understand what that means to me).

It got so bad that Mulan asked to sleep on our floor the night before we adopted her.


But Wednesday did come, and the judge, who has known Mulan for over a decade, had us raise our right hands and promise to love, protect, and afford Mulan all of the rights and responsibilities of a child that belongs to us.

She is ours, and after 5,330..... she is home.

Testing Me or Just Being a Kid

How I Met Your Mother, had an episode several years ago that featured a made up gamed called "Drink or a Kid. Simple premise, the characters told stories of horrendously stupid things that had done, and everyone else had to decide whether or not they did this while drunk, or when they were a kid.

Most escapades were typical: driving the wrong way down an one way street, roller skating off the roof, drying off fire crackers in the microwave.


AS a foster parent it is often difficult to tell whether or not a child's bad decision is them deliberatly testing you, a result of their condition as a foster kid, or them being stupid (unwise is the nice word but I am not in a good mood).

Snow White has had a rough week behavior wise. SHe is pitching fits, screaming, and not getting her work done in school.

A byproduct of this week being grandparent visit week? Or because she is six and being a bit bratty?


Mulan, despite countless conversations, having a boyfriend at the time, professing to want to have a career, has unprotected sex several weeks ago.

Leaving the pregnancy test where I can find it to see if we will stick by her? Or being too dumb to know to use protection and to NOT HAVE SEX WITH LOSER GUYS?

I am just so scared. Here I am, unable to protect Snow White from the system. I have to watch as a judge decides whether or not he will let her future be ruined by her biological family.

And on the other hand, I am watching Mulan make self destructive decisions and I can't protect her from herself.

I prayed today. I said "God I have only had her for 3 months. It isn't enough time. Don't let her life be ruined when I haven't had a chance to change its course."

I don't know what else to pray for.

I read over this and it is so negative, so filled with my pain and hurts and worries.

And yet had I foreseen this day, I wouldn't change any decision we made. I would still foster. I would still choose to take all of this on.

Because they need us so badly. If we weren't here, who knows where Mulan would have ended up. Who knows how many homes Snow White would have been in. And who knows? Maybe we all will pass the test.

I Was Going to Tell You

I was going to tell you about being an overwhelmed and busy foster parent.

I was going to tell you all about the angst of looking at a reading score and thinking first "THis will show the court that she belongs here" instead of "Snow White is doing such an awesome job!"

I was going to tell you about changing my time budget, and budgeting time to enjoy my kids, instead of just worrying about them.

But I think you would rather hear about the convo I had with Mulan on Sunday. NOw to be clear, Mulan has had a sh*t life. It has given her nothing but pain, and the expectation of pain. And yet she is not selfish. She is not only self aware.

We were talking about what the beginning of 2016 might be like. She will be officially adopted, and if things go the right way, we will be in the process of adopting Snow White. I was telling her that I was going to be ready for a break; ready for a time for our family to just... be still and enjoy eachother. "I want to take a year off", I told her.

She snorted in exasperation as only 18-year-olds can do, and tells me that a year is way too much time. 6 months is reasonable, but a year is self indulgent.

WE talked about adopting other kids, about fostering and the upheaval in our lives, and she told me that as long as she was the oldest, to foster and adopt as many as possible.

I can't tell you what it feels like to have her permission. To know that this precious child who could be completely turned inward and wanting everything focused on her, is the one encouraging ME to go and do my work.

God chose well when He sent her to me.

Welcome to Parenting

I hate it when people respond to my stories with a "welcome to parenting". Like the challenges I face are "typical" or that "every parent goes through this".

I get it in almost every situation. My husband and I are considering buying a house and are trying to think through our storage issues.

"Well every parent worries about storage."

Really? Every parents worries about having 3-5 days of clothes for kids from 5-10 years old?

"The amount of homework kids have is a daily struggle for all families."

Really? Every family has to worry about how to get homework done with a therapy session and up to 3 parent visits per week? Every family?

"All moms dread school projects."

How many moms are helping put together their child's "All About Me" poster and are coaching them about how to answer the inevitable questions they will get asked because your child wants to put all of their foster siblings (past and present) on their poster? How many dread beginning these "family projects" because you don't know if they will choose pictures of their biological family or you?

Hmm? How many?


"Lots of teenagers deal with depression."

I get that. I really do. But that is not the correct response to my situation. My situation is that my teenager is going through some immense stuff because she is just now allowing herself to remember all of the times her mother sold her for drug money. Yep. Sold her.
Lots of regular teens deal with that?

"You look tired. Welcome to parenting!"

I am tired. I am tired of hearing rape stories. I am tired of not being the Mommy that my kids cry for. I am tired of not being in control of my kids' futures. I am tired of going to court. I am tired of wondering if they are going to be snatched away from me.
And Yeah, I am also tired of homework, cooking, tired of cleaning tired of not having a moment to myself, tired of coming home from work and nothing being accomplished. Tired of being the first to wake up in the morning and having the responsibility of waking everyone else up .


"Most marriages go through a transition after the kid comes along."

Many marriages also fail when there is a tragedy involving their children. Most marriages don't have to carry the constant fear of the family being torn apart. Most marriages can plan for the future. Most marriages don't have to undergo constant scrutiny from the state department.


Many parents are dealing with similar and even worse stresses. There are parents who have lost children,  who are going through a divorce, who have a terminally ill child. But no one tells them "welcome to parenting."


Yes I am a parent now. Yes I am experiencing all of the stresses that most Moms do. The lack of time alone, the constant burden of taking care of others, the messy house, the mountain of laundry, the "whats for dinner" questions. I get all of that.


I wish that was all I got.

encouragement

You think that you are failing as a parent and then you see you child post this....





I need new people to talk to...and by people I mean people who won't hit on me and won't try anything. I just want a friend and if that is too much to ask well then delete me because I have learned ALOT these last couple weeks and I don't need attention by wanting a sex. The way I can get the attention and healthy attention is by being a friend and have respect for myself and other people.


Mulan is getting it. She is getting that she is precious and worthy. Please God let this keep up.





Then after I write this she posts this:


I have a great mommy and daddy and little sister they make my day everyday and I know that they love me even tho I make mistakes and so does God