How to Handle It When Your Child Tells Your Their Rape Story

For traditional parents, I imagine that the idea of their child being raped is a horrific nightmare, a possible reality that they do everything they can to prevent.

By the time our kids get to us, it is too late to prevent them from having been hurt, and the likelihood that they have been raped or molested isn't a possibility: it is a probability. As a foster parent, you will almost certainly have a child want to tell you about past abuse, physical or sexual, and there is a correct way to react.


1. Remain Calm- You are going to want to cry. You are going to want to vomit. You are going to want to get up in the middle of their story and go put the sonofabitch in a grave. And if they are already in a grave you are going to want to go spit on it.   You can't do any of that. I can't stress enough how important it is to remain calm. Hold your anger and anguish as a fireball in your gut and keep you face calm.

Several reasons for this: a lot of foster kids take on adult responsibility for themselves. If they think that their story is too much for you to handle, they won't tell you in order to protect you. Also, if you express anger even though you are directing all of that anger at their abuser, they will take it as directed at THEM. You have to think, they were always told to never tell, that no one would believe them, that it was their fault. They are so afraid that you will be mad at THEM. If they see your anger, it could scare them from sharing again.

2. Don't Ask Queastions, Just Listen:-Often you will be fostering a child and there will be an ongoing abuse investigation taking place. All you can do is listen and report what they say to DCF. If you ask questions or talk too much, you might guide a child (especially a younger child) into saying something they don't mean, or into giving you the answer they think you want to hear. Even innocent questions might lead them to say something that could hamper an investigation. Listen. Report. That is all you can do.

3. Tell Them It's Not Their Fault- No one has probably ever told them that what happened wasn't their fault. Abusers blame their victims. They tell their victims that they were bad, that this is how it is supposed to be, that the victim WANTED it to happen. Often family members will call them liars, or tell them to keep it a secret and then feel like they ALLOWED the abuse to continue. Tell them over and over "it's not your fault."

4. Stay Calm- Can't oversell this. Don't tell them that you are angry. Tell them you are sorry. Tell them that what happened to them was wrong, that it never should have happened, that they are safe in your home. Your child will need your comfort and love, not your anger.

5. Thank Them for Telling You- It takes an extraordinary amount of trust for a child to share what is often their darkest secret with you. Sometimes you are the first they have ever told. Often you will be the first "family" to believe them. It is so hard to hear, but you should accept it they way you would accept a gift. You are holding their highest level of trust in your hands. It is precious. Treat it as such.

6. Stay Calm- Last time I promise. I say this so many times because every instinct you have will to be anything but calm. Your instinct will be to protect and to gain justice. Often you can only protect going forward.

7. When They Tell You How They Deal With It, Don't Judge-  I have had a child tell me that they touch themselves at night because they are afraid "_____" will touch them there again. That child asked me if that was bad. My only question was if the child touched themselves in a way that hurt. Once they said no, I told them no. It is their body and they are allowed to touch anywhere they want. They need that.
Older children may act differently. They might cut themselves, be promiscuous, or engage in a variety of actions that we don't want them to. HELP is different than JUDGEMENT. Of course you will prevent them from cutting, of course you don't want them having random sex. But telling them they're bad, that what they are doing is horrible, only reinforces that feeling of guilt. Instead tell them how worthy they are, tell them their body is too precious to hurt. Tell them that you are going to walk the walk to recovery with them. HELP and REDIRECTION are different than JUDGEMENT.


If any of you have experience this, and have any other tips or strategies, please share. We all need all of the help we can get.

In the words of my Husband

My husband decided to write out what it is like, from a  father's perspective, to hear horrible stories of abuse from our kids. It is pretty powerful. 

It started with a nightmare. She was alone with her grandpa... he did things to her...

Have you ever had that moment when you daughter tells you she was raped as a child and it tears your heart out, even though you were expecting it? No? I have. And it was every bit as awful as you can imagine. What were once just sleep terrors, bad enough to make her wet the bed, are now an insight into her world as a child. They aren't dreams, their memories, so powerful that she doesn't know where she is when she wakes up. So powerful that when I look at her, sometimes I forget where and who I am and I wish to cease being a Christian and long to be a vigilante. I want justice for my girl. I want to hurt those who hurt her, but more than that, I want peace for her life and healing for her heart. So, when my warrior’s heart beats fast with anger at her circumstance, I grab ahold of it and lead it in a new direction. Instead of throwing fist, I give hugs. Instead of words of anger, directed at the men who stole her childhood and tried to steal her life, I speak soothing words of love, and acceptance to a hurt child buried deep inside her heart. Instead of boiling rage, I plead with God to give me overflowing love, which he delivers and I pour out into her.

Today I learned what it really means to be a warrior, a man worth calling a man. Every day I battle instinct, and fight the taint of the world and the wicked men who live in it. I fight to find love and healing in the most unloving and broken time in a child's life. I fight for myself, I fight because God called me to fight, I fight for my girls so that through all the crap, the hurt, the pain, the crushing blow that rape delivers to a child's self-esteem, they will have a chance at life. And if fight is all I do in my life, I am ok with that.

And though it all started with a nightmare, alone with her grandpa while he did things to her... I stand with her now, and God stands with us both.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day ...” - Psalms 91:1-16

Where from here?

I put a blow up mattress in our room and she slept in our room while husband slept on the couch. I woke her up from no fewer than 4 nightmares.

Everything that has happened has amplified her fear that we won't keep her.

Last week we filed papers for an adult adoption. They can't be processed soon enough.

THis morning I am tired and heartsick. How do we proceed? Are we supposed to act different? Is our life supposed to change?

What do we do?

The Drop

more time in court

Our Court date spawned a number of other court dates. 

Nov. 6 is the pre-trial for TPR

December 7th is the actual TPR trial. 

But first we have to get through the grandparents official petition to override the case plan and adopt the kids outright. That date is Oct. 5th. I think if we get through this it will be ok... TPR seems like a slam dunk and the parents haven't done anything but live on the street and fail drug tests. 

LIttle Snow White is worse than she has ever been. She keeps asking where she belongs, saying that she isn't where she is supposed to be... but doesn't know where to go. 

It has finally hit her that there is no winning in this for her. She will either lost the family she has had from birth, or us (and she loves us). 

There has been a lot of screaming, a lot of blame, and a lot of "you're not my parents" etc. 

I have no idea what to do and Snow White's therapist almost cried at the end of the therapy appointment yesterday. 

And still we stumble onward. 

Back to the Future

My husband often brings conversations back to the future. He discusses long term goals, the way we should like of lives, future aspirations for all of the kids we will have, the house we will one day buy etc.

I wish I could look to the future with him. But I am stuck. Stuck waiting until TPR is over. Then I will be stuck waiting for adoption.


Then.........

Then the ships falls off of the edge of the Earth. And everything will change.

Supposed to Be

New babies are supposed to:
1. pee everywhere
2. puke
3. get diaper rashes
4 poop
5. wake up in the middle of the night
6. poop
7. make weird noises
8. scream to be held
9 and poop.

I am the brand new parent of a teenager, and at times, look at this list with longing. Poop is easy: clean it. Diaper rashes: I believe there is a cream for that. Night time feedings are not as scary as night time convos with their boyfriend.

I have no idea what I am doing. At 28 I am dealing with my child's boyfriend (and his mother who is... well she may read this one day so I will stop here), sex talks, her being a brand new driver, finding a vehicle that she can eventually wreck, money talks, cellphones, sex talks, what doctor does a 17-year-old see, sex talks, having your own relationship with God, drive drunk and no car ever again talks, and more sex talks.

See how the first list seems way more fun?


Despite never knowing if I am making it better or worse(or even being listened to) Mulan continues to be a joy. She is an effortless part of our family, and I am proud of all of her accomplishments. I missed so much, but am so thankful that I have gotten to be here when she got her acceptance letter into college, her drivers license, and tell her that we found her a car.

Snow White is torn between venerating Mulan and resenting (RESENTING) having to share the family with her.


ASIDE:
Snow White is also starting to realize that things are coming to an end with her bio parents. TPR is scheduled for August 10th, and the grandparents are making one last Hail Mary. Snow White is suffering from increased nightmares that cause her to wake up screaming and an increase in attitude (that is awesome).



There are so few people's experiences that I can draw on for advice and support. Parenting is supposed to be a certain way, and we are doing it all backwards, sideways, and in the 20th dimension. Parenting as it is supposed to be is gone, and I am in uncharted territory. Without a float. But with plenty of sex talks.