It is 6:30. Jenny the placement lady is supposed to call me at 10:30. 

What the hell am I supposed to do until then? 

I am so jittery and excited and nervous! I also keep thinking about the foster family that she is being ripped away from. They (from the info that we were given) did nothing wrong and are great foster parents, but bio mom and dad were acting so inappropriately that the agency is removing her from the home so that Bio mom and dad won't know where she is and won't be able to harass the foster parents. 

Foster Mom is devastate, And I am sure our new addition is devastated as well. It wasn't enough for her bio parents to make one home unsafe, they had to do the same thing to her new home. 

I want to be a mom, and I know that this is what God has called me to do (even though I yell at him about it sometimes), but every time a child comes into our home devastation will be a part of the equation. 


OK. I am bringing myself down so I have to stop writing now! Maybe I will go to the store and buy some water guns etc. so that we can play outside.....

:)

4 days of silence; 3 hours of craziness.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July! Hubby and I took what might be our last trip (just the 2 of us) for a couple of years. The phone was silent all weekend, and then today (Monday) the silence was broken. 

At around 3 I got a call for respite, which I said no to right away. Lots of foster parents enjoy respite.... but I am so ready to give my heart and soul to some precious baby that I can't have a child for only a couple of days. 

Then at 3:30 Hubby got a phone call for a 5 year-old girl from a couple of counties away. Her history is truly heartbreaking, and her parents are apparently a little unstable. While I was talking to Jenny the placement specialist*, Hubby got another phone call.... FOR ANOTHER PLACEMENT.  This little girl is 6 and from our county. Her case is simpler and her parents are going to probably be in a state funded facility for the foreseeable future. We had to say yes to one and no to the other..... We chose the little girl from our county. 

I was so excited! I ran to Wal*Mart, bought a bunch of kid snacks and some sugary cereal. We waited for placement to call us back and tell us they were on their way... only to be disappointed.

Placement called us back to tell us that they had found a relative placement for her. Why they called us before they called her grandparents I don't know. I was so pissed. We explained to these placement folks that saying yes to them meant saying no to another child.... and they let us do that even though they hadn't researched her immediate family. I was certain that we had just gone from possibly two babies to none. 

However, God works in wonderful ways and we were able to get back in touch with Jenny the placement lady about the 5 year old and she is coming to our home tomorrow!!!! We officially have our first placement. As long as there are no more curve balls (foster parents are out there laughing at my optimism because foster care consists of ONLY curve balls)we will have our first little girl tomorrow. 

Her case is going to be tricky. Apparently, her parents are extremely difficult, which is why our agency has decided to move her a couple of counties away from them. According to the placement specialist, her parents have a terrible relationship with her current foster parents. It is so bad, that our agency has decided that we need to be completely insulated from bio mom and dad. According to Jenny the placement lady, our agency doesn't even want us to meet bio-parents. However, I will have to drive one county over at least 3 times a week for visits and therapy. 

I am not sure what the next couple of weeks will hold. I am so excited and terrified at the same time. There are a million things going through my head:

"Will we be able to give her what she needs?" 
"Will her parents stalk us?" 
"Will she fit in with our extended family?"
"DO 5-year-olds still take naps?" 
"Should I buy some tear free shampoo?"
"Will she be afraid of my dogs?"


The only thing keeping me calm is my faith that God wants us to have her, and for whatever reason, He thinks that she belongs with us. 

I hope He knows what he is doing.... cuz I am not sure I do. 



*From now on all names will be fake ones. I have to call people something, but I also needs to protect everyone's privacy.

Saying No Sucks

You set up parameters for a reason.

While getting licensed, you will be asked in a hundred different ways to set up parameters for the kinds of kids that you are willing to take. It is beyond age, race, or gender; you will be asked if you are willing to take medically needy kids, kids who are homosexual, disabled kids, ESE kids, etc. Hubby and I spent months talking about this. We went over ages... gender.... and what medical issues we could handle; we changed our minds more than once, but finally we decided on parameters that we felt good about.

All of that we out the window about an hour ago. My caseworker called to tell me that we are officially licensed!

And then she dropped a bomb.

She told me that she needed a home for two boys (we are licensed for girls) who are out of our age range, and the youngest needs medical attention due to injuries received in his home.

For a moment I didn't care about our parameters. All I cared about was that there were two boys who needed a home and that even though I would be in over my head, I could give them one. I went through a ton of scenarios trying to figure out how I could make it work.... But I couldn't. Two precious, abused babies who need a home.... and I had to say no.

I made the right call. It was outside of what we could handle, and while I am home full time for the next 6 weeks and can take care of then 24/7, soon I will be back at work, and it is unknown if the boy with injuries will be able to be in day care.  They need a home with a stay at home mom or dad, and that just isn't our home.


I still feel guilty. I went to Target to pick up groceries right after and while I was check out the man behind me was buying a bunch of baby boy outfits. It was one of those moments when you look up at God and say "Really? you couldn't have led him to another cash register?"

Saying no sucks. But if I had said yes today, to something that wasn't right for our home, I would have denied the babies that we are going to get, who are going to fit into our home. I had to say no, so that I will be able to say yes when the right call comes.

I still feel guilty.

Saying NO Sucks.

hurry up and wait

Our caseworker came over and did our second home visit on Tuesday. Basically she just interviewed hubby and made sure all of her information was correct. She submitted that paperwork on Wednesday, and now we wait!

Praying for our first placement!

Home Visit

Just got done with our first home visit. It was very casual and we passed everything. I so nervous that a fire alarm was going to malfunction or a bug was going to make an appearance, but it all went smoothly. I was actually surprised at the number of things that our caseworker took my word for. For all she knew my cleaners were really under the sink instead of the locked closet that I pointed to. 

After the health inspection she interviewed me, and the questions were almost verbatim what was on the questionarre. Maybe she wanted to watch/hear me answer them to make sure I was telling the truth?  The only things that she actually checked were that our hot water heater worked, that there was a thermometer in the fridge, that we have a first aid kit, and that one of the 6 fire alarms work, and that our fire extinguisher was tagged. After checking these few things she took pictures of each room and closet, and the yard. 

I honestly was nervous about the dogs. We have a pit bull and she looks like one (even though our vet has her down as a boxer mix). I have been worried from the beginning that someone would judge our dog based on her breed instead of paying attention to her disposition. However, our case worker is a dog lover and was best friends with both our dogs within a few minutes

 I can't think of anything else to really tell you right now... I am just so full of relief. If you want to know more specifics just message me and ask. 

There is so much to tell. We came back a ocuple of days ago from the ROyal Family Kids camp (full blog coming soon). Suffice to say there is a gil in the county next to ours who is walking around with my beating heart in her hands, and there are several more walking around with pieces of my soul.

Also in about an hour I have my health inspection and first home visit. 

I will tell you how that goes!

The Foster Path

I continue to be surprised at all of the ways God is gently moving us forward on the Foster Path.  Sometimes (and this is a weird analogy but I have dogs and this makes sense to me) I have felt like a dog on a leash. In the beginning I was on the Foster Path, but I had to be dragged, yanked, and prodded forward, but now walking calmly beside God I get to pause for a moment and be witness to why I am here in the first place. 

One of the amazing things I am seeing is the amount of people who are opening up to us about their foster care experience. It is shocking how many people who we know casually or through other people have been through the foster care system. One example is a wonderful lady at work. We were standing in a group of people, chatting about foster care, and all of a sudden she just started weeping. Her husband, it turns out, had been in the system forty years ago. Soon we were all crying as she told us part of his story. While it is sad and a burden to carry all of these stories of pain and loss, I know that I need them and that they will make me a better foster mother... and eventually a better mom. 

God had also provided other ways for Hubby and I to be involved with foster kids.
(quick info before I go on..... in most states, once a foster kid is 18 the state is done with them. FLorida is doing it a little differently and is helping the kid transition out by taking care of them and helping them live on their own until they are 21)
 Hubby works on the athletic program at out church, and recently has started a program where each sports team sponsors a foster kid 18-21. That means that the team will save a spot on their team for that particular kid and make sure that they have the gloves, cleats, and gear needed to play. HUbby's team just started this, and Hubby is actually meeting the 19-year-old that we are sponsoring today!


It is stuff like this and countless other precious moments and people who encourage me everyday. What we are doing is terrifying, and if you are out there think about going down the Foster Path..... you will be terrified. But you will also be lifted up, and you will have moments of clarity and realize that you whole life has been preparing you for this.