Sometimes

Sometimes things are too bad to put into writing.

Sometimes you are waiting for the miracle to happen so you can talk about the miracle and not the problem.


Sometimes there is nothing positive to say.


The miracle hasn't come (yet...... have to force myself to type that.....yet).


The problem is still there.


Sometimes the Enemy is strong.


Sometimes you wonder if he will be get to steal, kill and destroy everything you have done.


Sometimes hope is beyond you.

Pray for us dear friends. We won't survive with out it.

"He will never leave you, nor forsake you"

I started a blog with this title last week. Forgot about it.

Saw it this morning.

Needed to see this. God is good.

I don't remember having ever been this terrified.

There are lots of words for what happens to people who have experienced extreme trauma.  

Detachment

possession

"dead" eyes

feral 

All refer to that moment when the world gets too much for these people and they "click off". They go away and let another, stronger, angrier, survivalist part of themselves take over. The light goes out.... and something else comes on. 

I have seen it in a young child named Ella*. She was 5 and her entire personality was a result of her abuse. Things would get too loud, too "good" too "hard" and she would click off. 

It is pitiful when you see it happen to a young child like that. 

It is downright terrifying in a teen/adult. 

I saw her change yesterday. Was taking her cell phone as a consequence, and my daughter wasn't there. Her eyes were dead. All that was left was her anger and rage. I have no idea how I weathered that storm.... until suddenly she stopped struggling against my hold (was holding her in my lap like a baby.... partly to restrain her, but partly in that "comfort position") and all of a sudden her breathing picks up... she has a panic attack, and starts screaming crying. 

The day  was long. During it we talked and prayed. She read a book that talked about the "unloving spirit" that a person can have. She understood that it is a part of her and wants it gone. 

But this morning her eyes went dead again. I didn't know if she would come back. I was at work, she was at home, flinging accusations and arguments across email like poisoned darts. My logic didn't stop her. She was in a full rage, about to tear apart the house to find her phone... to leave and never come back. 

Then I prayed. Sent her in email form what I prayed. And she stopped short. 

This is what I said. 

Heavenly Father, 

We are at a place where I truly don't know what to do. My daughter is under attack. This book called it an "unloving spirit". Father it is taking Mary over and I don't know what to do. God send it away. Defeat it. Send it to its knees. Tell it that is has NO POWER here. Because MY DAUGHTER is YOUR DAUGTHER. And MY DAUGHTER  is precious and loved and wonderful. MY DAUGHTER has been saved and this "spirit" IS NOT WELCOME. IT CAN'T HAVE HER.

God save us. We need a miracle. Save my daughter. Save Mary. I love her so much...... 

Amen. 

I don't know where the words came from....but they were there and then she was reading them. From there she fought. She fought and fought.... for a terrifying 10 minutes I thought she had lost. My husband ran home from work..... walked her the rest of the way through. 

And won the morning. 

I should feel relieved. But it isn't time to feel that yet. We are simply sleeping in between battles. 

It never ends

Snow White's grandparent's visits didn't get cut off with TPR. After saying goodbye, they are now demanding visits again. With no consideration for Snow White's feelings.

I spent an hour cleaning and reciting what I would say to the judge if/when we have a hearing about this.

Then the new, popular saying come to mind: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

This is God's circus, and they are God's monkeys.

I am going to let Him handle it.


What a feeling of freedom :).

There are days when you get it right

Usually because you prayed your ass off not to screw it up.

Waiting to Inhale

You don't breathe steadily as a foster parent. At least I don't.

I am not saying I breath in anticipation either. There is no holding your breath and waiting to exhale in relief. Instead it feels like I am breathing the way you breath when in intense pain. Inhale and exhaling through the searing wound.

And those time when you aren't hurting? Crying? Cleaning up the disaster? You are waiting to inhale that next breathe through teeth clenched in pain.


Yes I am being dramatic.

But that is how it feels.


Right now things are steady. Right now everyone is behaving (albeit cranky from lack of sleep and a return to school). However instead of being thankful that the last visit has happened, thankful that Mulan seems to be sticking with her good behavior, thankful that my husband and I had a nice date night just three days ago..... I am waiting to Inhale.

Waiting for the next lash of the whip.

Waiting for it to all fall apart.


The system does this to us. It teaches us that a normal, steady life is next to impossible, that we should always expect the worst, and to never get to comfortable in the NOW.

While not purposeful, this feeling serves a purpose. It is the closest I will ever come to understanding what it must have been like for my babies before they came to me.


I think of Mulan in her home, surround by men who raped her on a regular basis, by women who beat her, and visitors who were indifferent to her. Times of calm must have been very disconcerting. Because they never lasted. They always ended with pain.


It is no wonder then, after almost a year with us, that she is still afraid. That she is still afraid of pain to come. Of abandonment. Of indifference. Of rape. Of a beating.

This understanding is weary, and my art struggles to pump through it. However it helps when I find doodles that she has drawn that say "I am tired of being afraid." This I can understand.


Dear God, I am tired of being afraid. Take my fear. Seriously God, take it away. Leave only faith in You. Faith that you love my babies even more than I do.
Amen.

Victory

I don't think it is an accident that the Father demands faith the most when victory is right around the corner.

I am in a time in my life where I should be my happiest in a long time. We are months away from adopting Snow White, our financial lives are on track, my husband has finally settled on a dream job, and I just received an award from the state for my personal career.


But everything came crashing down this weekend. The architect of our personal avalanch? Mulan.


Perhaps I should have anticipated this. Perhaps I should have anticipated that Snow White's adoption wouldn't cause her simple relief, but fear and jealousy.


Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.


Instead of being surrounded by positives, the world and by worldly life is filling up with negatives. The world is telling me that I am breaking. And worse. That I am suppose to break.


I am watching women around me break. Foster Moms who inspired me, people who I have never met in person (I am a fan of reading foster mom blogs) but helped me through this quagmire of foster care. They are breaking.

I think to myself "they are breaking... it is so going to happen to me. They had faith, theirs failed. Mine will fail too."

However ;).

This weekend I was asked to MC for our church. It was my job to open with a prayer, and in the midst of my horrible time, I was asked to be uplifting.

My first thought was "screw that."

(I lied it was F*&^ that)


But I ended up finding Joshua 10:8

"Do not be afraid of them," the LORD said to Joshua, "for I have given you victory over them. Not a single one of them will be able to stand up to you."



So for three services I prayed victory over our congregation. For three services I prayed victory over our marriages, our kids, our finances, our lives, and our souls. 


It sank in. 


I will have victory, damnit. 


This kid will not beat me.

Her raping son of a bitch grandfather will not beat me. 

Her past will not beat me. 

The enemy will not beat me. 

I refuse to lose this child. 

So all of those people can suck it. I will have victory.

What Love Does

Jealousy tears apart, while love brings together.

Absolute truth: I have been jealous of Snow White's first foster mom. Snow White still loves her so much, and hated to leave her home.

It is hard not being a child's one and only mommy. It is something I never thought I would have to deal with, and sometimes I don't come out on top.


However, props to me, Monday night I did.

I called Snow White's first foster mom and told her the good news. See the thing about her is that she was selfless. She loved Snow White enough to give her up (see my first post on Snow White for the details) and gave her to me.

Nothing she has ever done or said has been with any other motivation than doing what is best for our little girl.

So I called her. And we cried. We told each other how much we loved one another, how grateful we were to have one another. They saved Snow White's life. If she had been anywhere else when she came into care (we weren't licensed yet) Snow White wouldn't have been with us and probably would have returned home.

They saved her, and we will keep her safe.

I got to share this beautiful moment with this mother that God chose for our girl. On the phone, as our tears pored down, there was this connection that I haven't ever felt with anyone. A co-mommyhood if you will.

Sometimes it is hard to acknowledge the other adults in our foster kids' lives.

This time it wasn't hard at all.

Monday, February 22 8:36 PM

We got the call.

TPR was granted.

They can never hurt Snow White again.

The poison apple has been eradicated.

The good guys won.

Glory be to God.

TPR

First of all, I didn't have to testify. That was a God thing as it allowed me to sit inside the courtroom and watch the witnesses etc.


How do I organize and summarize the crazy that followed?


Ok, so I think that the best thing to do is to take it person by person.



Bio Grandma: At the beginning of the trial, all non-participants were asked to leave the courtroom. Since Grandparents only have legal rights to visit with the children, Snow White's grandma and Grandpa were asked to leave. This may seem cruel.... but they would have caused so many disruptions. Case in Point- upon being asked to leave Grandma stood up, chocking back the tears she always has ready to go, and told that judge that she would like to represent herself in this case and wanted the opportunity to cross examine witnesses.
Let that sink in.
She isn't a lawyer and she has no legal standing, but came with a notebook full of questions for witnesses and was planning on being allowed to ask her questions.

Snow White's Caseworker: Snow White's caseworker of over a year left in the beginning of January. The circumstances were never fully explained... and the result is that this person wasn't available to testify. The result was that the office supervisor, someone who seemed very well versed in legalise, testified. Honestly I think she did really well and was able to speak personally of several incidents with Bio Family including the continuing drug use. She was able to speak directly to angry outbursts by the bio mother and testify to 2 positive drug tests in the pas 6 weeks.

GAL-  Our GAL was amazing. She basically testified for us, stating the Snow White is in a wonderful home, that she wants to live with us, and how Snow White Wrote to the judge asking to let her be adopted by us. She spoke long and passiatly about her opinion that the children need to be adopted and under no circumstances go back to bio family. The strangest part was the the bio parents' lawyers did not ask her one question.

The Video- Remember October of 2014? When I told you that the parents got caught on camera? (refer to http://fosteringtoforever.blogspot.com/2014/10/part-1-of-2.html ). Basically the video showed the parents acting in a bizarre, high, and creepily sexualized way while in the waiting room of the therapist's office WHILE THEIR SON WAS RECEIVING THERAPY FOR ABUSING HIS SISTER!
We had to watch it.
It wasn't fun.
It was gross.
I don't recommend it to anyone.


Bio Mom-  (Disclaimer: I don't like this woman.... many foster bloggers are fair and balanced about bio families. I am not. They hurt my child. All Fairness is gone). Bio Mom took the stand twice, once as a witness for the state, and once in her own defense.

She was constantly disruptive during the hearing. THe more people discussed her penchant for outbursts and craziness, the more crazy she became. She had to excuse herself during most of the GAL's testimony because she couldn't handle what the GAL was saying.

 Listening to her speak hurts. Mostly because everything that comes out of her mouth is toxic and a lie. Here are a list of a few of her inconsistencies:

I don't remember any of 2015 because I was high  because I missed my children.
I remember repeatedly calling my caseworker and never getting a response.

I haven't worked since 2009 due to anxiety.
My credit has been approved for a trailer and it will be here in 2 weeks.

I realized I was a horrible person 4 weeks ago and haven't done drugs since.
I realized this while my drug dealer was in my house.

I haven't seen my child since August.
I know my child and I know how badly she wants to come home.

Snow White doesn't need to stay with those people.
I am grateful to _______ and _______ for everything they have done.

She Told on herself over and over again. Freely admitting to drug use, admitting to being an addict since 2004. Admitting to unstable moods etc.

But y'all she was good. She is such a good liar, and can really sell what she is saying. She is smart. She is devious. She scares me.


Bio Dad- I have seen bio dad high before, but whatever he was on trial day was different. He is usually the one who is smoothing things over. The mellow one. During the trial he was anything but. He basically screamed at our lawyer, said that he had permanent memory damage due to consistent meth use, and told DCF that it was their fault because how would we react if our child had been taken away.

He excused himself from getting on the stand in his own defense.


The Judge- Y'all he is a wild card. For the record I respect him a lot. The law is held above all else. He is a true southern gentleman and pays everyone respect until they begin to disrespect others. He is consistently fair, and reacts strongly when it comes to the welfare of the children. He has exasperated me many times, because he is so methodical and takes so long to make a decision. The evidence seems to be overwhelming in this case. Parents have had two years and freely admitted to spend the extra year they had high on Meth. They are asking for a 6 month extension.... though 3 witnesses testified that it would be at least 6 months before they could be drug free, much less begin working on the rest of the case plan.


Us- We Sat. We Listened. We Prayed. I fidgeted. Hubby was a rock.

It is all on the judge now.

Today I was overwhelmed with the need to pray for him. To pray that while he is reading and re-reading the court documents that he will see the truth. That he will discern fact from fiction, and that he will receive wisdom beyond understanding.

Pray with me friends.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will tell you all about the trial. I promise.

Would have been a really good episode of Judging Amy or something.

Sorry

Wow it's been a while.

Sorry about that.

Life happens and you get caught up. But enough of my excuses.


Things are both wonderful and on the border of crumbling. Since I last wrote, we had an amazing Christmas. This Christmas was without hurtful biological families and drama. I watched as Mulan learned to accept gifts as well as give them. Watching her excitement at having the money to buy gifts, watching her thoughtfulness, and observing her delight when someone loved the gift she picked for them were my favorite parts of Christmas.

Since then Mulan has both improved and regressed to varying degrees in several different ways. She continues to struggle with her need for Male romantic approval, repressed memories emerging and her connection with us. There are so many things that I never anticipated... and coming this late into a child's life is HARD.

It has been so important to understand and define our expectations for improvement and to define what a "victory" is.

But to sum up her progress..... I guess it was Sunday when a member of our church who has been kind of a mentor to Mulan came up to me and told me how impressed she was with how much Mulan has matured. She was surprised, even confused that a person could grow that much that fast.

It's true. Mulan was physically 18, but in so many ways was 12, 15, 16, and 7 all at once. It is good for someone on the outside to recognize and confirm her personal growth.


Snow White's TPR trial has come and gone and we still don't have an answer. She is no longer visiting with her biological parents as they can't provide clean UA's which are now required to see her.

She has come full circle in her desire to be adopted, and is constantly asking when the "stupid judge" will make up his "stupid mind" about her being adopted. She wants us to be her future and doesn't want to ever leave. She struggles, but she has made up her mind which has given her a little bit of peace.


Our biggest struggle right now is school. Some days Snow White is all about school, finding it a great distraction and does very well. Other times she could care less, having been up the night before crying about the unfairness of her life, and the fact that those she does still love will be taken away from her.

Those days homework etc. doesn't get done...and frankly I don't care.

Teachers, even after having the situation explained to them (and I am a teacher) don't seem to get it. The lack of understanding from others is frustrating.


Y'all this is hard. Possibly the hardest season yet. I am constantly in fear that my teenager with the impulse control of a 14-year-old (it used to be a 12-year-old.... I have to remember that) will do something stupid and life changing and ruin her goals and dreams.

I am constantly afraid that today I will have to hear another rape story (am currently on day 4 with no new one and yes they happen that often).

I constantly and consistently ignore my fear that our judge will somehow find legal reasoning to give Snow White's bio parents the 6 month extension that are asking for.

But I am keeping it together. With Jesus, my amazing husband, foster friends, and a little wine, I am keeping it together.


But honestly it is the knowledge that in everything God has been victorious. He won't let failure take us.