Today is her first unsupervised visit and my stomach is in knots. I dreamed last night that they tried to "take" her and I haven't been able to shake the bad feeling I have had since yesterday afternoon.

I'll let you know later how it went.

Awesome

It makes for a great end to your week when you child has to be the one to tell you that a child investigator from DCF came and asked her questions about her parents and "drugs and blah blah."

I need a hug?

We are currently attempting to train Snow White to be able to do things on her own. Things like wash her hair, color, get dressed etc. Things normal 5-year-olds do. She does so well with our undivided attention, but I also want her to be able to play alone for a couple of minutes at a time and be meeting all of the her developmental goals.


So last night it was bath time, and we have been working with her on hygiene and how to clean yourself etc. She is very good at it but constantly calls for us to come in a talk with her while she bathes. Sometimes I am more than happy to share her bath time, but last night was a whirlwind laundry, dogs, making lunches etc. She called and called and finally I walked in there. She began by telling me a nonsense story (grinning the whole time in triumph) when I interrupted and asked

"What do you need?"
"Need?"
"Yes you must need something since you called me in here so many times."
(grinning mischievously) "I need a hug?"


First of all.... that is my smart girl.


Second of all: my annoyance evaporated immediately. How many times has she needed a hug and no one was there? How many times did she simply want to spend time with someone and no one cared? How many more times will I get to hug this precious, manipulative little devil?

This answer is too many times and not enough.

So she got her hug, and I got my clothes wet. The laundry did get done and the lunch got made...... and I went to bed without needing anything.  

"Staffing" Meeting

So we had our first Staffing Meeting  yesterday. If you have never heard the term "staffing" and are instead thinking about a "staff" infection and wondering if the two terms are connected... well you are right.

That meeting was as fun as a staff infection. Sometimes similes just happen :).

 First of all the bios were 20 minutes late, which was extra awesome since I was in an empty classroom waiting for the caseworker to call me. Then this meeting lasted way longer than it should have.

Staffings usually happened once a month to discuss that case, or to make a significant step forward or backwards in the case. This time we were there discussing whether or not Snow White and her brother should have unsupervised visits. It was a mess. We started out by going around the room and describing (as was appropriate) the parents' progress and how the kids were doing. Bio Mom is still HIGHLY upset that Snow White referred to me as Mom last week. It was to the point where she was suggesting that Snow White doesn't know who her real parents are. Throughout the entire meeting Bio Mom was angling to get her removed from our home.

I continued to not make any friends when I explained what Snow White has been telling me  about her feelings and her behaviors. Bio Mom tried to turn it around on me and make it seem like I am laying the blame on others. Then I had to stand up for myself. IT was a mess. Thankfully Snow White's counselor was there and basically repeated everything I said and put the parents' (and some of the caseworkers) in their place.


After a lot of talking, bickering, and whining, it was decided that the kids would have a joint supervised visit and separate unsupervised visits. And after all of the talk about how the bio mom is a "new" person and is now so amazing, the "new" bio mom, threw and "old mom" style fit. Instead of understanding that they were doing separate unsupervised visits due to the kids' emotional readiness.... she took the stance that no one trusts her with her kids (why should they) and made this all about her. She even went as far as to threaten the caseworker telling him that he better deliver or she will go above his head.

I need some antibiotics.

MAYBE

I read about all of these other foster parents who have found this Zen attitude that allows them to love and respect the bio parents.

I haven't found that yet.

Maybe it is me.

 Maybe it is this specific case.

 Maybe it is because they allowed their dog to die of heat exhaustion(if you are thinking right now "if they can't keep a dog alive how could they take care of a child" you are where I have been for two weeks).

Maybe it is because they have nothing but resentment for me when I AM FREAKING TAKING BETTER CARE OF THEIR CHILD THAN THEY EVER DID.

Maybe it is because I suck as a person.

Maybe it is because deep down I believe that they will get to see Snow White grow up.... and I hate that I won't.

Being a Foster Parent is playing havoc with my faith. Sometimes belief in a high power is all that gets me through the day. I have talked about how I feel like God is using this entire thing to teach me a lesson: to teach me how to rely on Him and let go of the control I feel I must have. 

My struggle isn't with my life, or how God treats me, but how my little girl is being treated. In the Bible it says to take on His yoke for his burden is light. 

I am here to tell you that her burden hasn't been light. It isn't enough that she is forced to carry the burden of her abuse and the pain of being forcibly removed from her family. Now she has to deal with her parent's anger and jealousy over loving us. 

Tonight she accidentally called me "Momma" in front of Bio Mom. 

Bio Mom freaked. And made my baby cry.

Her burden isn't light. When will it get light? 

The Word is "Family"

      Snow White's new buzzword is "family."

"Let's watch TV like a family."
"Hold hands like a family!"
"We are having a family dinner."
"Are we going to watch a movie like a family?"


        It is both precious and sad at the same time. It is precious because I love hearing her call us a family. Sometimes she still struggles with our place in her life, but she has accepted the idea that she has two families: us and her parents/brother.

        It is sad because so many of the "family" activities are so normal and everyday, but she LOVES  them and NOTICES them  and APPRECIATES them. I never had to suggest that we do something as a family while growing up. Holding hands was normal, and family dinners were all I knew until we were in high school. The sense of family was always there, but with Snow White this is a new feeling.

    I am so proud and thankful that we are showing her what a family really is, but my heart weeps that she has gone 5 years without ever knowing about family.

Not going to lie.... my heart also quakes at the thought that she might never again feel a part of a family when she leaves us.